A Simple Servant

Wondrous Provision - Take 2

2011-10-21T17:33:00.006-04:00

So, don't have a lot of time to write right now, but just want to brag on the Lord again. About a year ago the Lord allowed a car accident that totaled my 92 Civic Si. He then provided us with a 2002 Honda Odyssey through several means (including the settlement from the Civic, a no-interest loan, and the capstone of which was an incredibly generous gift from our church family). A few months ago Michelle's old 92 Corolla (yes, they were both 92's) gave up the fight with a litany of issues including the trans and brake system (for starters). The Lord has once again provided through some wonderful means. First, he allowed us to borrow a vehicle from a dear brother in Christ since then until we picked up our new car. Second, He has given us yet another no-interest loan. Third, we have once again been blessed with a few gifts toward the car. Forth, He provided just the right car through the estate of Michelle's grandfather (took tragedy and brought some good out of it). Finally, He allowed all of the paperwork and details to be worked out and we picked up one of the nicest vehicles I've ever driven! Thus, in the last year, He has just plain-old spoiled us, twice over!

I praise and magnify the Lord for His countless, rich blessings. As I think of and look around the world, Christ spoils us so, so terribly much here in America (with great blessings come great responsibility). We are so amazingly blessed even through material things that in the end, don't matter that much. If our heavenly Father delights in giving us good material gifts, that perish, how much more should we believe Him for the eternal things, the very things that He instructs us to look for?! It is a good reminder and an important spiritual lesson. Jesus, thank you for spoiling us so much, and help us to spoil others in return as that is what pleases you!!!

PS - this is after years and years of having troublesome cars or no car at all. We don't understand His timing, but we know that He is good in the good times and in the bad, which reminds me of one of my fav songs. "As Long As You Are Glorified" by Sovereign Grace Music (http://www.sovereigngracemusic.org/albums/category/sovereign_grace_music/come_weary_saints)

Quick Thought for the Day

2011-08-25T15:37:00.004-04:00

When I first started martial arts, I couldn’t wait to get past the basics and get to the “good stuff.” I used to enjoy seeing people’s belt displays and couldn’t wait to get my black belt and have the “complete” belt system. I couldn’t wait to learn what I needed to finish. Since then, I’ve learned there really isn’t anything beyond the basics, you just keep coming back to the same things, the same basics, making them better, and building on them. You put solid basics together and you have growth, but it isn’t anything new, it’s just the basics. At some point along the way I began noticing that many of the people who have a personal belt display don’t have their black belt on it. The reason I found out is that black belt is really just the beginning. Black belt really means that you have learned the basics sufficiently to truly begin the journey of learning the martial arts. It is not the end, the capstone, but rather, the beginning of understanding martial arts. You have never “mastered” or “completed” your training if you are a true martial artist. Thus, you can’t have completed black belt and thus, it is not displayed. The belts on the display represent what it took to learn the basics, to get to the point where you can truly begin learning. Thus, the absence of the black belt is a testimony and reminder that you are still on the journey and that you will never “complete” your training.

So it is in the Spiritual life. So often Christians (especially younger Christians) seek after the fantastic, the amazing, the exciting things. They want to know all the “secret” things, the things that no one else knows. They want to know what the Bible “really” says. And, so often, they chase after these things for the things themselves, believing that these are the mark of maturity and having “arrived.” For example, they go to sections that speak of the end times / apocalypse, or read something like the Da Vinci Code that claims to give “hidden meaning” and so on. Or they think, I need to read the whole Bible and then I’ll have mastered it or know all I need to or I need to read or pray like so and so and then I’ll have arrived. Then, they start walking in the Christian life pursuing those things (totally missing the mark, btw) and they get frustrated because they haven’t “arrived” yet. What they (we) often miss, is that just like in the example of the belt system above, we are on a journey where we are seeking to become more like Christ. The things that we do are the basics, such as praying, reading, trusting the Lord, delighting in Him above all else and putting Him first, etc. These are the basic things that we need to learn. So often we speak, talk, or live as if we need to get past these things to be “mature.” Yet, as in the example above, these are the things that we are constantly having to “re-learn” and that we keep coming back to time and time again. The thing is, that truly is the journey and those are the basics, that’s where growth is. It’s not in anything secret or fancy, just in the basics and building from there. As long as we’re on this earth, we will never “arrive” in that sense. The very notion of “arriving” is as nonsensical as thinking that earning a black belt means you have “finished” in the martial arts.

Wondrous Provision

2010-11-19T22:25:00.006-05:00

I can’t take a lot of time to write right now… too much going on. But, I do want to give the Lord the praise He is due for providing us with a “new” vehicle. In a recent post I referred to the accident and asked many of you to be in prayer for us, that the Lord would provide for us. I referenced the fact that we would not be able to purchase anything without the Lord’s provision and that we were simply waiting in faith for the Lord to move. Too often in life, we ask for things (with more or less pure motives), but how often do we really stop and thank the Lord? How appropriate in this season, the week before Thanksgiving?! I believe in asking the Lord very honestly for what we need (and He already knows), but I also believe in praising and thanking Him!

That is precisely the purpose in this note. I want to not only thank Him for providing us with another vehicle, but for showing off and providing something MUCH greater than we imagined. We were able to find a 2002 Honda Odyssey EX with 113,000 on it. The Lord has provided in several ways beyond just showing us the van. We got a lot more back on my car than I thought we would (the beauty of it having been an Si). Two of our friends gave us a generous gift and then we were able to get a loan for the amount we were still lacking.

It’s pretty dirty b/c an old man who apparently loved to go everywhere with his dog owned it, but that is just a little cleaning job. It seems to be in pretty good shape mechanically and very good shape otherwise. It also just had a major tune-up done, so it really shouldn’t need much maintenance initially. There is a sound in the engine that is not “normal” but the mechanic said it isn’t anything to be concerned about. He will be giving it a thorough exam this coming week and hopefully taking care of anything that does need to be handled.

I do still have one prayer request though… well, two. First, as I said above, we did end up having to get a loan for a few thousand. So, I would ask you to continue in your prayers for financial provision, we really need it right now. Second, that the vehicle would last a LONG time! Below are some pictures:

A Poem: Make Me Worthy of Your Calling

2010-11-04T04:25:00.011-04:00

It's been a while since I've written anything creative and even longer since I've written a poem. I don't claim this one is great, but it is straight from the heart. It is similar to another post I wrote some time ago (http://a-hawk.blogspot.com/2009_05_01_archive.html), though there are some differences as well... funny how we go in cycles sometimes. This is why scripture reminds us to remember!

Make me worthy of your calling oh Lord; make my paths straight and my heart true!
For I know myself well, the poison within; yet like water I drink, not noting the end.

Search my whole heart, and know me my Lord; reveal to me, what you have abhorred.
That I might break and you might build, Christ in me, wholly filled.

Guide all my steps into that place, where I depend upon your grace.
Let me not wander or go off course, but let me remain in you my source.

Keep me dear Lord within your will, a servant true and faithful still.
That in the end it might be known, that honor to you I have shown!

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Just in case you can't follow my cadence, I'll post the poem again with the numbered cadence... sometimes I make sense to myself, but not to others ;)

Make me worthy of your calling oh Lord (10), make my paths straight and my heart true! (8)
For I know myself well (6), the poison within (5); yet like water I drink (6), not noting the end (5).

Search my whole heart (4) and know me my Lord (5), reveal to me (4) what you have abhorred (5)
That I might break (4) and you might build (4), Christ in me (3), wholly filled (3)

Guide all my steps into that place (8), where I depend upon your grace (8)
Let me not wander or go off course (9), but let me remain in you my source (9)

Keep me dear Lord within your will (8), a servant true and faithful still (8)
That in the end it might be known (8), that honor to you I have shown (8)

An Interesting Day – An Electrical Job, A Totaled Car, A Few Errands, and a Faithful God

2010-10-31T20:43:00.005-04:00

So, as is often the case when “major” events happen in my life, I am taking the opportunity to reflect on the situation and to write about it. Today was a great day, I really enjoyed the day and love being in the will of God and seeing Him work… even when I don’t understand it.

I started the day slowly as I’ve been sick lately and am on day 7 of antibiotics. I’m feeling a lot better than I have, but not 100%. So, I was scheduled to go to one of our pastor’s house to help with doing electrical in his basement. I started later than intended, but still got over there early-ish in the morning. On my way there, I visited a friend at work that was helping me with something and then headed to the pastor’s house. After spending the day there, I was finally finished and headed home. I planned on going home, working on a project, then meeting another friend to help with a vehicle logistics problem (driving a car :), and then he was to help me bring our harp back from the church. So, I headed home driving down Bardstown road away from the pastor’s house (I’m guessing somewhere around 5 pm). This road is a 5-lane road, with a turn lane in the middle, meaning the North bound side I was on is two lanes of North bound traffic. I went through a light and on the other side, there was the usual blockade of people in the right lane essentially at a standstill. The left lane however was clear for about a ¼ mile, as it usually is around this area (at that time of day). I slowed down because the left lane was only clear for a little bit and the right was stopped. As I drove past the first section of the blockade, I went “on guard” as I normally do, waiting for someone to try to shoot / shift lanes from the right lane into the left. The next thing I know, I’m seeing slow-motion. I hear the bang of metal crunching against metal just a split-second before I can actually see the car that just pulled out in front of me, followed by the jerk of my car stopping “on a dime” (well, on / at a Ford Focus to be specific), and THEN the airbag hits me in the chin. I wanted to punch the thing (unfortunately, it was already flat :). I’m assuming it was compensating for the low-speed impact, but it actually hit me a split-second AFTER the collision, right about the time I was starting to “self-right” in my seat. I actually had a split second to think to myself, “hey, my airbag didn’t go…” BANG!

So, what happened? Well, I was passing a Waffle House (on my right) and there was a teenage girl that apparently wanted to make a left (from the Waffle House lot toward the South) A waffle house employee told her she should have used the other exit, the one with the light!. Apparently she had wedged between two cars that were stopped in the right lane and decided to “gun it” toward the “safety” of the turn lane. I guess she thought it was clear, but she was quite wrong. I’m sure she wasn’t able to see me, but that’s just why you NEVER try that maneuver, especially in such heavy traffic. Even if she had made it past me / my lane, the turn lane in that spot is NOT safe, and the cars in the South bound lanes were stacked up like sardines anyway. It’s no surprise that I later found out the girl has only been driving since either July or January (the mom was a little flustered and settled on January). Immediately after the accident, I checked myself to see if I was still intact (though I was fairly sure I was since I was thinking about decking the airbag -which, for those of you that don’t know my sense of humor, that simply means I’m annoyed with something, not that I actually want or intend to deck something… although, it hit me first, and there I go again ;). After that, I looked up to see where the impact was on the other car (and thus, what to expect in terms of injury to the driver), just in time to see a teenage girl having a nervous break-down. She looked extremely young and was just freaking out. I motioned to see if she was ok and she nodded (and the same for the friend that was with her). Thankfully, my car struck right around the driver’s front tire / wheel and not the door. I took another second to just take stock of everything and then looked for my cell phone. When I found it, I began to motion to see if she had already called the police… she hadn’t… she was on the phone with mom and dad. So, I called and was informed that someone had reported it and the police would be there as soon as possible. I was quite impressed at the large number of people that stopped to be witnesses and to be great citizens and see if we were OK… a grand total of ZERO! Thank you Kentucky drivers! Ok, rant over. Anyway, there were a few people that tried to help who were going the other way (Southbound). They asked if we were ok and one of them tried to tell me the nearest intersection so I could tell whoever I was on the phone with (I lost track as I felt like I was a dispatcher with all the people calling me, and that I had to call).

To make a long story short, I spent the next hour or so reassuring a very scared girl that the world would not end and that everyone makes mistakes and so on. I also had to verbally coerce the girls away from the cars (which were still in the middle of the road) and into the grass so that we were out of the road and not killed by someone that wasn’t paying attention. I think they were so flustered and scared they just couldn’t process what I was saying for a minute. When her parents came I introduced myself to them and the mother was very kind, even offering to let me sit in their car where it was warm (I was still in my work shorts and t-shirt). We made small talk for a minute and then the police showed up (Fire rescue showed up earlier to make sure we were all ok and to clean up the mess from my bleeding car).

The damage: My Civic, totaled. Ford Focus, might be able to be repaired. The girl’s left front axle was broken for sure, but there was little visible body damage. I’m not sure what might have been damaged in the engine compartment. Beyond that, their car was A-OK. Mine on the other hand, is worth nearly nothing according to the Blue-book (despite being a collector’s car… Black 92 Civic Si, for those that know). The airbag alone I think costs more than the car, but beside that, the entire front end is crumpled up against the fire-wall with all of the cooling and AC system mangled beyond repair (and likely many other things). The dern thing still ran and drove though… well, at least to the parking lot of the Waffle House about 20 feet away. Damage to me: Small cut / scrape on right knee, small cut on left knee (left will probably bruise a little), sore collar bone (seatbelt) and peck muscle, a slight burn on the neck from the seatbelt, and a scrape or burn on my right wrist from (I don’t know?, poss airbag vent). Damage to the girls: nothing they were aware of at the time (except emotional :). After everything was taken care of (paperwork, cars towed, etc), Ben Farrar picked me up and I was able to help as planned by driving one of their vehicles to their house. After that, we went and picked up the harp and brought it home. Thanks Ben, for picking me up and for getting the harp.

So, now to take stock. Girls = totaled cars. OK, OK, I’m joking! On a serious note, I’m just so thankful that no one was hurt. I’m SO thankful that my car struck the front wheel and not the driver’s door and not the rear end (hurt the girls or spin the car). I’m also SO thankful that her car was in front of mine because it probably would have shoved me into any on-coming cars that were still moving (head-on) and / or into another vehicle on the side. I’m thankful that I was going slower than the speed limit as it would have been much worse. I’m thankful that if it had to happen, it happened to me. Why, because I’m not a jerk and the girl made an honest mistake and I’m afraid of what some would have done / how they would have treated her. I do hope that she learns from this, don’t get me wrong. She needs to learn from it. However, someone acting like a jerk or trying to sue or whatever is not going to teach her anything. I hope that she learns from it and then is able to let it go. Finally, it gave me an opportunity to show Christ’s love and to demonstrate a faithful heart and mind. What I mean is that you can always tell who a person really is when trouble comes or bad things happen. Because of Christ’s love and grace in my life, I was able to demonstrate how a Christian ought to act in a situation like this and I was able to do it in sincerity.

Finally, I have been and will be able to demonstrate faith in Christ in and through this situation. What do I mean? Well, there are two sides to this story. The first, the human side, is that I won’t be able to buy a decent vehicle with whatever the insurance company gives me. It will be a start, but it won’t be enough for a vehicle that ran like that one… it was a gem. This is compounded with the move, much less commuting opposite directions once there. The bottom line is that there is no way humanly speaking. You may ask why I’m happy about this or why I consider the day to be good in light of this? Well, I’m not saying I like being in this position, I don’t like not being able to provide or not being able to go out and get a vehicle. So why do I consider it a good day? Precisely because of the second side of the story! The thing is, it is in these situations, no matter how mundane it may be (or how huge it might seem), we get to see Christ work!!! We get to watch Him moving and working and providing in any number of ways! Sometimes He just drops something in our laps and sometimes He uses our current or natural circumstances. Other times He gives His people a desire to help, each as they are able and when combined they are able to accomplish much more (Ex 36:6). Still other times, it is in some way that we hadn’t even considered!

If we will stop long enough, if we will take a breath and observe, if we will listen for a second, we will hear the heartbeat and see the hands of our Savior!!!!!!! He is not merely concerned with our soul (though that is certainly enough), no, He is also VERY concerned about our lives. Our Heavenly Father knows what we need and takes great delight in providing for us (Matt 6:25-34; Luke 12:22-31). He also delights in helping us grow in faith and learn that we can trust in Him for things both big and small. I don’t know about you, but I get excited when God begins to work! I get excited knowing that He is doing all things for our good and that His plans are always good and perfect and always infinitely better than we could ever ask or imagine!!! THIS is how I can say it was a good day. I will do all that I can, don’t get me wrong. But, when I’ve done everything that is in my power (and that I ought to do), I will have the honor and pleasure of resting in Him and watching my savior work this out for His glory and my betterment! I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but I know that He will provide. He may take us through a period of trial, we may struggle with this for a little while, but if so, I know that we will Glorify Him in the way we act, talk, and think. He may choose to pour out blessings upon us immediately and provide exactly what we need right away. I have to be honest as a human and say that I hope it is the latter, but I’m genuinely ok with the first. God has provided so MANY good things and I don’t deserve ANY of them. So, in the perspective, what is this by comparison?! It is as nothing!

Now, having discussed the ethereal, I want to go back to the earthly for a moment. I simply want to ask you to join me in prayer. Please pray that the Lord will be glorified in all of this. Please pray for the girl and her family. I pray that if they don’t know Christ, they will come to know Him. I also pray that she will learn from this; that she will only feel sorrow long enough to learn from this and I hope it points her to Christ. We are taught many things about prayer and one of those is that we are taught to ask for what we need and desire and that the Lord will provide according to His will. I am therefore praying that the Lord would provide enough for a solid vehicle that will last and serve us well as we seek to serve Christ! Finally, I am praying that when we are able, the Lord will provide just the right vehicle (perhaps even a mini-van… for the harp and tools)!

Antibiotics and Flesh-eating Bugs

2010-10-25T17:50:00.002-04:00

I posted this on Facebook the other day as a status (first line was status and the rest was in the comment section) and decided I'd share it here, since I think it gets the point across pretty well. Big changes are coming for me again and hope to update soon, though I realize it has been so long, no one probably reads this blog anymore ;)

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how do you go from antibiotics to anti-bio-tics, little things that eat you from the inside out?

antibiotics.... by doing a study on this word, you can clearly see how the real meaning of the word is to take life. It is a compound word meaning to be against, oppose (opposite) or destroy (anti) and of or pertaining to life (biotic-s). Thus, it means to be opposed to, or to take life. So, when a doctor says he is going to give you antibiotics, he is trying to kill you. This is further demonstrated by the suffix "tics" which we all know are blood-sucking parasites that bring disease and take blood (life). Essentially, they are giving you tick-larvae that will eat you from the inside out and kill you.

Now, if you don’t like the logic I used here or the root-word fallacy (among others), read your commentaries, study bibles, devotional materials, etc, and listen to those that teach you a little more carefully… otherwise, you end up with anti-bio-tics in your brain!!!
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now, to provide a little context, my point here is to ILLUSTRATE bad hermeneutics (biblical interpretation, or interpretation in general for that matter) and some horridly bad logic. It is intended to be a short little zinger to the way so many mistakenly study, teach, and preach the Scriptures (or anything for that matter). If you listen carefully (or just 1/2 way), you'll be amazed how how bad most of the teaching out there is and how most of it is not founded on solid logic / logical grounds and so often has nothing to back it up, other than the fact that the person in front of you is saying it!

Seeing Clearly or Not Even Looking?

2010-06-24T08:35:00.015-04:00

I haven’t written anything for a while and for that I am sorry as I miss writing. I still intend to get on here and update soon, but we’ll see how that goes. For now, I simply want to share a very abbreviated meditation from this morning.

A good online friend of mine posted the following quote yesterday, but I didn’t see it until this morning, so it was a great early-morning meditation:

"If we have an intimate acquaintance with the gospel in all its excellence, knowing the word as one of mercy, holiness, freedom, and consolation, we will value it as our chief and only treasure. We will also make it our business to give ourselves to it in absolute obedience." - John Owen

Upon reading it, I had to read it again. Then, I found my “good Christian mind” ascribing ascent to it, thinking something to the effect of, ‘great quote, another one to make me happy and affirm that I’m thinking rightly’ (after all, isn’t that what it’s all about? – note the latent sarcasm from a seminary grad!)

But then, a moment later (just a moment later), I asked myself if I could repeat it to myself. Not the words, not could I quote it to myself, but could I reword it and recall it for myself, could I paraphrase it so as to get to the heart of the meaning (that is the very nature of teaching and if you can’t do that exercise, then you can’t teach it and thus, have proved that you don’t understand it at all). Did I remember, only moments after reading it, what it SAID! I realized that I could not. In fact, I realized that I had only ascribed my mind to it because it sounded good, it came from a trusted source (my friend), and the original author was also trusted. Thus, in my mind (my reflex response), it was worthy of acceptance. Yet, that way of thinking has more holes in it than the best Swiss cheese in the world AFTER a herd of mice gets a hold of it and they eat their fill.

Upon realizing this mental reflex, I read it again only to realize that I hadn’t read it at all. When I originally read it, I read something to the effect of “we should have an intimate time in the Scriptures because they are valuable and it’s good for us” which roughly translates, “we should read the Bible a lot.” Though that is sort of a part of the message of this quote, it’s not at all what it is about. Mind you, had I the context, I may have read it differently, but had I READ it, I would have understood it very differently. Besides that, the point is not whether or not I have the mental capacity to understand it; the point is that it was my mental reflex to assume knowledge, to assume agreement with what was stated, to merely glance at something, to give disingenuous mental ascent to something simply because it “looks good” upon a very superficial, glib glance! In fact, glib is the perfect word for it, it means “fluent in a superficial or insincere way.”

Had I actually read it, I would have understood that it was, in fact, speaking of intimacy, intimacy not only in the Word of God, but intimacy of understanding and with Christ Himself! In fact, it goes far beyond reading the Bible, but goes straight to the depths of the Gospel itself. The intangible Word, the good news, the very heartbeat of the very agent of Creation, the Creator Himself!!! In the very first part, Owen says “IF we have an intimate acquaintance with the Gospel, in all its excellence.” That ought to arrest us immediately, we should be able to read no further without deep reflection, peering into our own souls to see if we do, in fact, know the Gospel at all. I’m not referring to the Roman road or some other “trinket” of evangelism. The Roman road is a good tool (as are many others), but I’m not referring to memorizing a handful of Scriptures that we can rattle off to someone. No, I’m saying, do we KNOW the Gospel. Can we take our understanding of the Gospel and explain it to someone at their level? Can we explain it in a way that they will understand? Can we boil it down to what it really is, and what it is not?! What was the basis of the Gospel? What is it’s purpose? Why is it important? If we cannot answer those questions and many more like them, we don’t even understand the very things we might rattle off to someone via the Roman road. Is it any wonder then, if we miss even the basics, the very bargain-basement understanding of the Gospel, that people don’t come to the Christ we claim to love when we speak with them? If your auto mechanic can’t explain how a car battery works, would you trust him to rebuild your engine?! What about this, can you explain the Gospel accurately to a 5-year old? In a way that they will be able to comprehend? If not, then you don’t understand the Gospel. You see, explaining to a 5-year old will require you to boil it down, to leave the big words behind (you know, the big ones we like to throw around though we don’t really understand them ourselves… btw, this is called bs), and to get at the very heart of the message AND to explain it as simply and accurately as possible. Thus, in the very first sentence of the quote, all my years of walking with the Lord and all the years of study and theological training are called into question. If I am truly reading this, I must take an honest look at my own understanding and ask if I even understand the basic Gospel message, much less the “in all its excellence” part. Which, btw, I believe that if you truly grasp the Gospel, you will (humanly speaking) understand it in all its excellence. Which ought to beg the question of whether we see it as excellent, or if we’ve become so comfortable with what we do understand of it, that we no longer see it as excellent, but as routine and “old news.” Something to think about!

I have to say that on my part, I have to realize what a slow learner I am. I’ve been a Christian since 1987, had theological training, and I have to be honest and say that I think I’ve only begun grasping the Gospel. It is so simple that a child can understand it and yet so vastly profound!

Then, in the next part of the quote we have the test, the mental test, of intimate knowledge of the Gospel. The test is whether or not we see it as “knowing the word as one of mercy, holiness, freedom, and consolation.” Do we understand God’s mercy? Do we know what it is that He has done for us? Do we know why? Do we even come close to grasping how very merciful He is? You say yes, but do you really? What about that thing you want? What about that situation where you weren’t treated fairly? What about the abuse you suffered? How is God’s mercy demonstrated there? So I ask again, do you understand God’s mercy?! Do we understand His holiness? Do we get that He is completely holy and just, that He is the very MEASURE of what it means to be holy? That He is the rule by which all things are measured? That something’s holiness is determined in how close to resembling Christ it is? You say yes, but what about that thing you looked at the other night? What about that woman or man you gazed at longingly? What about that person that made you mad the other day? Oh wait, that’s your anger, not their sin!

I could go on, but you get the point. Do we see the Gospel as epitomizing these things? Not do we see it as containing these things, but as BEING these things? What is your definition of mercy? What about holiness? What about freedom? What about consolation? Can you define these terms without the Gospel coming to mind, as the chief example? What comes to mind when I say the Gospel? Is it the Bible itself, is it church, is it missions, is it the Roman road to salvation or Evangelism Explosion? Did Christ himself come to mind? Christ and His work of restoration IS the Gospel and it started before the foundations of the world were laid and continues today and will continue for eternity! Do you honestly see the Gospel in light of these elements? When someone mentions the Bible or the Gospel, what comes to mind first? Do you think about the 10 commandments, or sin? Do you think about judgment? Do you think about (fill in the blank)? What do you think about first? My friend, I submit to you that if we think about those things first, as in, primarily about them when the Gospel is mentioned, we don’t truly understand the Gospel, especially not in the way Owen meant (and I fear few do). It is true that those thing are involved in the message, but they are not the message. Let’s use the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf for example. If I said that the point of that story is that wolves are bad and so is lying, would I be accurate? Well, I would be accurate that those messages are involved, but they fall far short of grasping the point of the story. The point is that if we aren’t truthful, people won’t believe us and we will pay the penalty. So, if we think the Gospel is primarily about the things outlined above, we totally miss the point.

Yet, if we do understand it, if we truly understand it, it will so captivate us, that it will become “our chief and only treasure.” We will so grasp its value that everything else will pale in comparison. It will become to us a treasure in a field (Matt 13:44). In all of life, we give our attention to what is most important to us. We do this by nature because we are worshippers, by nature. Thus, no matter what a person says, you can know with certainty what is most important to a person by simple observation. What we truly value most WILL receive our attention.

Thus, if we truly grasp the Gospel, we will indeed “make it our business to give ourselves to it in absolute obedience.” It is not a matter of doing x, y, or z because we ought to, but it is rather a reflex response arising out of a change of the will of the one who grasps this truth. This is the primary difference between a Pharisee and a disciple, between law and grace, between freedom in Christ and living according to the law! When we do read the Bible, is it because our hearts burn with desire to know Christ and to know Him more fully, or is it because we’re supposed to? Do we see clearly, or do we see men as trees? (Mark 8:24)

When we read a quote like this one from Owen, we say amen. But do we TRULY say amen, do we even bother to really read it? Are we reading and ascribing to these things as a means of gaining another notch on our belt of mental understanding, or are we peering into them to see first what truth they contain, and second how our own hearts look, compared to the truth? Do we gaze, or do we only glace? When you read the Scriptures, are you searching them meditatively as if looking into a mirror to see the condition of your own heart (1 Cor 13:12, 2 Cor 3:18), or are you marking off your checklist for the day and then moving on, never even understanding the depths and riches of Christ you just passed up? If so, you are living like someone who passes by the grand-canyon every day and thinks no more of it than you would the last step of the stairs you climb. Or, to put it another way, when we read (and live) this way, we are just like a man who looks into a mirror, walks away, and then forgets if he even fixed his hair (James 1:23).

When we say amen, do we really mean it?!

What about now?

Short, Blunt, and to the Point

2009-11-22T07:06:00.002-05:00

Some of you who are used to my normal mode of writing may be surprised by this one. Despite having a blunt personality that despises being “flowery,” over the years I have learned (LEARNED) to use a little wisdom and try to reason with people, rather than just beating them over the head with truth and leaving it between them and God (this is my true personality, sorry guys but I’m a prophet by nature). Thus, though I normally choose to nicely with lots of explanation, qualifiers, and much padding in order to try to get truth into the heart, this time I’m just going to be a prophet.

There are really only two views of the world / of existence. The first is to defy all logic and good science and choose to believe that there is no such thing as god or at least an intelligent designer. The second is to believe that a god must exist and then to figure out if he has explained what he wants or not. If he has, then we’re extremely stupid not to obey.

Some in the scientific community want everyone to believe that evolution apart from any possibility of intelligent design is the only logical, scientific possibility. This is simply not true. Science itself demands that life had to begin somewhere. They say that people who believe in religion or intelligent design believe in a fairy tale, yet it is they who have zero explanation of the beginning of life. For the record, I’m not even speaking of evolution vs Christianity here, it is entirely logical to believe in id, without believing that the God of the Bible is the creator. Those are two separate debates. Most, if not all, of the foremost and prominent evolutionists will admit that the prospect of God is not palatable and thus, they choose to believe in evolution (the young and un-learned ones still think that it is illogical to believe in id, rather than realizing it is a choice and not a conclusion to hold that belief). They have no explanation for the beginning of life. The theory of old, is the primordial soup theory which morphed (evolved) into various other arguments that all require a magical jump from non-living matter to a living cell (which is scientifically impossible, no matter how much “long ago and far away” you give it). The most recent explanation I became aware of was when watching Expelled and the interview with none other than Prof Richard Dawkins himself. When nailed down on this question he “hemmed and hawed” (as the Southern expression goes) and said perhaps some other super technologically-advanced civilization came to earth and “seeded” the earth. Um… aliens, seriously… that’s the best the “there’s absolutely no way intelligent design can possibly be true because I say so anc can’t stand the implications of admitting it could be true” community can come up with?! What in the world… literlally! He said he’s certain that God does not exist, but offers no evidence, it is self-evident to him in his magical little world. You know, I think I liked the guy an interview or two before him… he just illogically stuck to his guns and said that life may have possibly come to be on the back of crystals… at least he just acted like the five-year old logic he held to and when asked, just kept laughing and saying “I just told you” (though all he said was just that). Though I didn’t intend this as a commentary on the movie, at least Dr. Will Provine of Cornell is honest and candid and has accepted with both arms the natural, logical conclusion of all evolutionary theory. He will burn in hell, but I greatly respect his consistency, frankness, and for following through on his own logic. Don’t misunderstand me, I wish it weren’t so, but it is true nonetheless. When two people come to the same evidence and one chooses to believe one thing and another chooses the other (and they are both logically consistent about it), I have to respect that. Bravo Dr Provine!

Science is a wonderful thing and it is a long-standing passion of mine. I love it, especially cellular biology. I studied diligently and hard and learned a lot in high school and in my undergrad at both a state tech school, and the Christian college I later attended. The thing I came to realize, however, is that science has its limits. That sounds simple enough and obvious enough, but so often in our culture science is hailed as the end-all-be-all of knowledge. It is great, but it has massive limits. The primary limit is that the community has adopted evolution as its religion and yet, this is incompatible with the essence of true science. What is worse, is that it is now making claims it cannot support and employing horrendous logic to try to defend itself and blindly refusing to admit the truth.

What is the truth? In the context of this discussion, the truth is that evolution is based on faith. All of the arguments, all of the evidence of one thing or the other, all of the red-herrings and flawed logic cannot deny the fact that they don’t have any answers as to how life began. Not only that, but those answers are not possible to discover by the very tenants or pillars of science! I just wish most of them would be consistent and admit that evolution is a choice that may be at least partially based in science, but is ultimately based on faith, a religious view. Christianity too really comes down to faith. There are many, many proofs that could be offered (and I could write many myself). However, in the end, it really does just come down to faith. Faith that God is who He says, that the Bible has been preserved, that the God of the Bible is the one and only true God, etc, etc. If it could be proven that Christianity is false, I would abandon it in a heartbeat. In fact, I will go a step further, further than most Christians can or will. Sometimes I wish it weren’t true because my carnal nature would rather do whatever it wants and the demands of God are not convenient to those carnal desires. Yet, I am entirely convinced that Christianity is true, and willingly and gladly submit to a loving and good Creator, Jesus Christ. I thus rejoice in the salvation of Christ and delight myself with Him and in Him. I love Christ for what He has done for me!

Aside from foundational issues, there is one other way I am logically different from those believers in evolution, at least I can admit that it comes down to faith.

An Abbreviated, Short, Brisk Little Rant

2009-10-06T20:28:00.000-04:00

I’m reminded of how faith is a gift from God and how belief is first a matter of the heart, not the head. Knowledge is a wonderful thing, but it cannot bring salvation of any kind. On its own it is a god of human imagination, a vain pursuit constantly promising what it cannot deliver. It is an open tomb, always swallowing and never being filled; it is a vacuum that ultimately collapses on itself. Apart from its creator, knowledge has no power and no direction… just like electricity is powerful and useful, but only if it’s grounded. You cannot, with knowledge or learning, convince someone of something they have decided against. You also cannot debate for the sake of debate… this too is a vain pursuit with its end in itself. You can love them, you can speak truth, but you cannot make a willfully deaf man understand.

Repentance

2009-08-22T15:33:00.002-04:00

Ok, so, I was watching a little tv today and heard a person who represents a particular church (who shall remain nameless to avoid needless controversy) congratulate someone for “understanding in one day our Lord’s message of repentance.” For those that know me well, you probably know that I have a habit of fussing at and / or debating the tv or radio. I’m very passionate and can’t stand when people purport something that does not stand or is illogical, and especially when they misrepresent the Gospel! As with so many of my notes, this started as a Facebook status update of a sentence and turned into this… enjoy :)

Repentance is NOT simply, oh darn, I screwed up, I’m really sorry that I did “x” and now I’m in a mess… I messed up and sinned and now I’m in a mess and God is mad at me. NO!!! That is merely the starting place of repentance. Repentance is having a keen awareness of just how sinful you really are (inasmuch as we can comprehend). It is not only recognizing what you have done wrong, but it is standing with God and saying “you are justified when you speak” it is standing in agreement with God that you are deserving of punishment because of who you are, not merely for a few times of messing up (though those are the evidences of who you are). Repentance is a deep sense of vulnerability is seeing yourself in God’s eyes and realizing that you cannot possibly cover up yours sins as Adam and Eve tried to do, nor can you hide from God himself or the wrath that is to come! Repentance IS casting yourself before a Holy God and pleading for mercy, realizing that you deserve none. For those who call upon the name of Jesus Christ in this way, they will be saved, He will in no way turn anyone away that comes in this manner. Then, the truly beautiful thing is that He will not only give you mercy, but He will give you grace, which means that He not only takes away your sin (your sin nature), but He will also give you HIS righteousness. You are not merely brought to a “zero” balance (which still wouldn’t be good enough), but He gives you perfect credit, HIS!!!

Aside from this type of repentance, a person is condemned to hell. This is no way around it, there is no other way. This does not delight me, speaking as a human being. It is not something that I enjoy preaching and teaching, yet, it is completely true. It is like being in WWII, hearing the air-raid sirens, and trying to take cover in a bunker. I’m not happy about having to scream at the top of my lungs to a little child who’s crying merely because I’m yelling, or to have to forcibly grab an old woman, or to tell a strong man to his face that he’s an idiot; I don’t enjoy doing those things. And yet, how can I do anything else?! The most selfish thing I could do would be to jump in the bunker and comfort myself with the thought that I was safe and other’s should be able to hear the sirens. It is one thing when people have heard and chose not to take the necessary actions; it is entirely different if they have never heard!

This is truly amazing, and most importantly… 100% true!

Meditation

2009-08-17T01:42:00.003-04:00

Also, as to aligning with particular groups and doctrinal lines… each “system” is an attempt to reconcile mysteries and as such, is a human structure built (whether solidly or not) on top of the Bible, and thus, is bound to have error. This is why I cannot seem to answer some questions around here… now, some are better than others and I more easily align with them than others, yet some are quite good save a few things or even the tweaking of a few points. If I cannot accept the whole, I cannot claim to align with said system. Thus, I don’t have a clue which particular system I “believe” because they are all in error in one manner or another, though I try my best to be aware of and intelligent on the issues involved. Thus, I know I need to learn more, desire to, and will, yet at the same time, this is why I am ignorant of terms and such. Part of it has been laziness, but part of it is in recognizing that I cannot accept these wholes. So much of this smacks of the “I am of Paul and I am of Apollos” (1 Cor 3:4). If we are truly people of the word, if we truly believe sola scriptura, then why do we so blindly hold to the traditions instead of digging in the Word for ourselves and then taking the systems as advice from elders and those more wise than ourselves.

Some will charge me with being illogical or not desiring consistency… no, quite the opposite. I am a VERY logically-oriented person and quite analytical. I cannot abide inconsistency within myself, my mind, etc. I am very logical and love systematic theology and so on. My contention is that there is more than we are capable of knowing. Thus, we should seek to know all that we can about what we can, but we should not try to force the things that have not been revealed to us. It is actually an affront to God to seek to know the hidden things that He has denied us. If you disagree, explain the Trinity. If you can explain the trinity without becoming a heretic or using this same logic, then I will change my mind. Otherwise, be consistent and admit that you can’t figure out every single thing and learn to be comfortable with mystery… we are the creatures, not the creator. Why can’t we eat this fruit? That doesn’t matter; to you it has not been revealed. Apply yourself with what you are given, but stop grasping for what you have not been. Then, take what you have been given and use it instead of bottling it up in selfishness. Deut 29.29

Like A Tree Planted By The Water

2009-05-25T19:05:00.005-04:00

You know, living life in the Spirit is truly a perplexing thing. I wrote a “short devotion” not long ago that is ringing truer and truer to me lately. I am experiencing another revival in my life and it is very exciting, yet a little fearsome. I know my own wickedness and though this new life in Christ is wonderful, a part of me wonders how long it will be until I stray again, until I trade the treasures of heaven for the fleeting pleasures of this earth, the trinkets that hold no real value but are a mirage of a lie. That’s right, a mirage of a lie. They are not even the lie itself, because the subject of the lie does not exist. Satan loves to whisper in our ears telling us that fulfillment or contentment is found here or there, yet the father seeks those who will worship Him in Spirit and Truth. It’s not a matter of here or there, but a matter of Him. Right here, today; today while it is still called today do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion. You do not have to seek God in one place or another, nor do you have to seek His promises in one place or another. No, you seek Him and all these things are added unto you. Nevertheless, the devil loves to whisper in our ears that if we look at that or seek after that, or do this in this manner, THEN we will have fulfillment. Yet, what is going on here is that we are grasping for straws, we are trying to take by force what Christ has promised us by Grace. By grasping, we are saying to God that He is not looking out for our good, or that He is not moving quickly enough, and ultimately that He is not good. Does not your heavenly father know that you need these things?! If you as for bread He will not give you a stone, therefore we should stop trying to turn stones into bread seeking to provide for ourselves by our own power, which is literally nothing. We cannot change one hair on our head, we cannot add one measure to our life, we are powerless and can do nothing… except ask and receive!!!

My friends, I have many more things to write, and yet I do not know where to begin or where to stop. My real purpose today is to ask for your prayer. I have had pseudo-revivals in the past where the Spirit wooed me and I followed for a short time, but quickly became distracted by the things of this world and the renewed life the Lord desired to bring to me shriveled and died among the thorns and rocks. I have also had genuine revival in the past, but over time, I forgot the Lord. I forgot the Lord when I sat in a house I didn’t build, ate food I didn’t plant, and drank my fill of the wine of this world. My friends, I want to be completely “sold out” to the Lord, I want to stand in His presence saying “here am I,” “use me Lord.” I don’t want to hold anything back or become complacent once again. I want to stand before Christ at the end of my life saying that I indeed fought the good fight and that I lost none of those who were put into my care. I want to stand firm, not wavering or turning to the right hand or to the left, with fire in my soul, united and in perfect unity with Christ as a wheel within a wheel.

As I lead my new family, I cannot lead if I am not following the Lord. I cannot seek to feed my wife Spiritual food, if I am anemic. How can a man feed a flock if he has no food and no strength to find it?! The job of every truly great leader is to guide those in his care through the treacherous perils of life. He does this by the light of the Word, by the power of Jesus Christ, lighting his paths and guiding him in all righteousness, so that he does not stumble or lead his people to death. The moment a leader loses the glory of the Lord, those following are in danger. This is a powerful meditation for the past, the present, and the future as the Lord has called me to be a shepherd. If I don’t know how to find water, I cannot water His sheep. If I do not know to eat, I cannot feed the sheep, nor can I have the strength to lead them to food. If I don’t stay on the alert, being ever vigilant and watchful, I am like a shepherd without his staff, helpless to defend the flock from ravenous wolves.

This is a constant struggle in my life (and in all of ours if we are honest) and I don’t want to lose the battle any more. My friends, I need your prayers! Below I will share just a few of the things that I jotted down as I was praying this afternoon. Please pray that Lord will protect me from the temptations of the evil one and that this work will not fall void, but will be the catalyst for the rest of my life. Today IS that day!

From the depths of my soul I cry out to you O Lord, let this be the moment that I forever resolve to walk in your Spirit and in you alone. Let me no longer walk in the paths of sin such as laziness, gluttony, and complacency. Search me and know my heart and reveal it unto me so that I may follow you with my whole heart and with all of my strength. Teach me your ways so that I may know what is right, be renewed in my mind and spirit, and follow you in your way. Give me genuine passion, remove the heart of stone and give me the heart of flesh so that your Spirit burns as a fire within me and I’m lead by you rather than by emotion and human determination. Help me no longer stumble about trying to walk as blind in my own power, but bring me to naught so that I may see you in truth.

I shared a note a while back called, “Lord Jesus” that is also quite appropriate and totally in line with my heart right now. I'm placing the link to that note and a picture of a powerful song below that.

Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=2892830294

My blog:
http://a-hawk.blogspot.com/2007/07/lord-jesus.html

A Short Devotion

2009-03-24T19:16:00.002-04:00

Living the Christian life is perplexing sometimes, and so is zeal for the Lord. Scripture teaches us that the Spirit is like the wind, it blows where it will (John 3:8). We cannot make it blow one direction or the other, nor can we generate the wind at any point. Further, we cannot determine whether it will be a whisper, a gale-force storm, or nothing at all. We are completely dependent upon God to send His Holy Spirit according to his purposes, for His glory. Living and moving in the spirit is like being a sail-boat in the midst of a great ocean. We are dependent upon the wind for movement. We cannot generate our own wind and we could never row long enough to get to safety. We can try all we want, but we will tire and fail if we attempt it. Instead, we must learn to move with the wind, to ride the current. This means being prepared for the wind’s movement and being committed to move the way the wind moves, to go left when the wind goes left and right when the wind goes right. We must let it guide us in the ebb and flow of life, gently caressing and comforting us while moving us swiftly along the ordained path.

Our job, our responsibility, is to prepare for the moving of the Spirit… the end. God’s prerogative, right, and decision is to move according to his purposes and will. Through the disciplines, such as prayer and Bible reading, we prepare ourselves for the movement of the Spirit just like a ship’s sails being properly in place, prepare it for the wind. Yet, as with a ship, having sails up in the air does not mean we will be able to move, it simply means that we are prepared to move when the wind blows and in the manner the wind wills.

There are many spectrums in the spiritual life and this is no exception. At one end of the spectrum is being slack in the disciplines. Slack disciplines are like slack sails, they spill the wind and handle it poorly, causing the ship to move poorly or erratically. When we are slack in the disciplines, we are unable to move with the full power of the Spirit. Though the Lord is willing to move us and sends His Spirit, we are poor vessels, leaking and spilling the precious gift of the Spirit and failing to move in the power thereof. We become erratic and disheartened. Sometimes we even begin to wonder if the wind is insufficient to move us, but in truth it is we who are insufficient. In those times we should recognize it is our insufficiency causing the problem. Yet, at the same time, we need to remember that Christ is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9). It is not that Christ is weak, not at all. Instead, it is that His strength is demonstrated most perfectly when we are at our weakest, when we acknowledge our weakness. It is when we are in a posture or position of being totally submitted, totally open and naked before our creator, that he is able to demonstrate His strength in amazing and perfect ways. It is then that He can pick us up in the warmth of His strong arms, holding us close to His bosom, quieting us long enough to listen to the beat of His heart.

At the other end of the spectrum is holding the sails too tightly. When the wind does blow, we are to hold the sails, but if we hold them too tightly we might believe ourselves to be the master of them, foolishly thinking we can go where we will. If the sails are held too tightly, the wind will push against the sails with tremendous force. If the sails continue to be held too tightly, then you end up in a tugging match with the wind vs you. You will not win! In the same way, if we try to use the disciplines to gain favor with God or to earn His approval, we totally miss the point. If we approach them as if they are a means to get where we want to go, we will end up going no where and even find ourselves opposing the Lord. The disciplines must be used in the way they were designed. They were designed to help us grasp the movement of the Spirit, not control it; we cannot control the wind, nor can we decide our own destination. Remember the disciplines do not make us holy; Christ’s atoning blood has already accomplished that on our behalves. Instead of trying to earn your own holiness (as if that were even possible), you must use the disciplines as tools to learn the way the Spirit moves and then set your sails accordingly.

If the wind is blowing toward the west (from the east, toward the west), you will not get anywhere setting the sails toward the east, or if you do, you’ll only end up going the opposite direction you wish to go. Further, if you stubbornly and rebelliously decide on your own course and face against the wind (toward the north or south), you will have a very hard time keeping the boat from capsizing and will eventually tire out, ruin the boat, or both. A ship in the midst of a storm must use the wind to move and be carried by it where it will, it cannot survive taking the wind broad-side. If we put up our sails the wrong way, we will likely break our mast, rip our sails, or capsize the boat. Thus, when our devotionals are on the wrong things (such as worshipping TV or the latest Christian author - ouch), we are facing the wrong way (to one degree or the other). Further, if we simply refuse to put up the sails (not doing any devotionals), we won’t move at all, but will only bob to and fro, tossed about and destined for destruction.

Yet if we do put up the sails, even if we put up the correct sails in the correct manner, we still cannot believe that this will guarantee movement, we must still wait upon the wind for movement. If performing the disciplines by themselves guaranteed movement, then we would be source of movement, providing our own salvation. God did not create us as motorboats and we cannot save ourselves. Instead, He created us as sailboats, completely dependent upon Him for all, and in all. God desires for us to grow in a deep, intimate relationship with Him. It is only when we are willing to completely submit ourselves to Him, standing naked before Him without pretense, qualification, or ideals of earning our own salvation that we are in the correct posture to be fully moved by the Spirit.

When you pray, how do you pray? What is your posture? Are you commanding the Spirit? Are you begging in disbelief, hoping somehow to get God do to your bidding? Are you praying as a means to gain favor? My friends, prayer is about posture. It’s about saying, here am I Lord! Prayer is about Christ’s kingdom and beseeching the Father to make us what He desires therein. It’s about sitting in the midst of a vast, endless ocean, totally unarmed and helpless, with sails drawn, waiting patiently and properly for the moving of His Spirit. My brother, my sister, this is freedom in Christ. If the Son has set you free, then you are free indeed!

Read Psalm 23 in a paraphrase version and pay attention to the sense of meaning it brings out as compared to a more literal version.

(note: I am usually the one telling people to avoid paraphrase versions... this time I thought it fitting :)

• List the ways you are waiting on the Lord (the key here is passive, like putting sails up and getting them ready for the wind to blow whenever it comes)

• List the things that you are powerless to do (like create the wind or determine the direction it will blow in)

• Find scriptural promises where God has already fulfilled the means to the things listed above. He has already provided, so list how he has already promised to do so.

Take a break from sin! Don’t focus on it or think about it this week. Do I have your attention? Good. Now, I’m not saying that you should use this as an excuse for sin or that you should ignore sin, not at all. Instead, I am saying not to let the accuser of the brethren, Satan, tell you how bad you are this week. This week, work on confessing your sin with an earnest heart and leaving it there. All too often, even after you have sought forgiveness and confessed your sins, even in the midst of a prayer of repentance he loves to come along and tell you that you aren’t praying right, that you aren’t doing what you should, that you didn’t get the formula right (ouch), and that the prayer is thus invalid. Listening to these types of lies just buries you further in a pit of despair for which there is no way out. Christ’s life, death, and resurrection paid the price that we could not pay, delivering us out of this very trap. Do not let the evil one trick you into thinking you are still there, this week is about freedom! Do not let that old devil twist what should be a devotional relationship with our Lord, an intimate communion, into another way to point out our failure. Instead, confess your sins to Christ and ignore the devil. That’s right, ignore him, block him out, rebuke him in the name of Jesus Christ.

1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” You see, “doing” and “not doing” are not the point. Christ has promised his children forgiveness when they ask, so confess your sins and think of how Christ bore your sin on Calvary, taking it upon himself. Let him take it for a week and don’t let it enter your mind. If you find yourself thinking of sin, write it below and next to that, describe what the Bible says about that accusation (Psalm 103:12 would be a great place to start).

The Pornification of a Culture - shared article from www.AlbertMohler.com

2009-02-26T10:10:00.009-05:00

Hey guys, I am still here and hope to start writing again soon, though I have said that a bunch of times by now. I'm not one to share other blog writer's things very often, and especially not from the leadership of Southern Seminary. It's not because I don't often find myself in agreement with them or that I dislike them. Quite frankly, there is just enough of a rebellious nature in me, that I don't want to be associated with or viewed as one of those students who blindly follow the mob of mindless theology students hanging on every word of the worshipped professor-of-choice. I have a brain of my own and I am quite capable of thought. Herein I’m revealing how messed up I am and if I were to counsel myself (which I try to do very often) I would tell myself that my identity is in Christ and not in the thoughts of others. It is true, my focus is off in this. My instant reaction is to simply not say the above, and yet that is covering of sin and a denial of striving to live transparently before men that sanctification may have its full effect. This also reveals my pride, that I want credit for my thoughts as distinct from those of others. Man, I am truly a messed up sinner apart from Christ! The truth here though (again, if I were to counsel myself) is that there is no such thing as an original thought. No matter how intelligent you are, you are (I am) an idiot, totally dependent upon those who came before me. Even the most brilliant people that have ever arisen, have done so on the backs of those they may have looked down upon, had they met them in person. Even the use of the English language and thought-pattern comes from someone, somewhere, that was much smarter than me… a lot of them. To take it even a step further, and to the ultimate truth, it is ALL dependent upon the continued, sustaining work of Christ, who is God and at the same time God’s son, one person of the Trinity. Our knowledge and ability are a mere shadow of what was given to us, much less what is. To say this seems to indicate some level of understanding on the subject and yet, to One who truly understands, it is complete darkness. Ok, anyway, my rant is over for the moment… can you tell I’m eager to begin writing again :). I’m sharing this one for two reasons. First, because I’m shocked and appalled, and yet not at all, by the subject matter and I believe it is extremely important. I'm not shocked at pornography mind you, those of you who know me or have read my other posts know that I have seen the devastation of pornography in my own family. Instead, my shock is at how publicly acceptable it is, under such a ridiculous guise, and especially at the point of the public library.Second, because I haven’t written in a while and it’s easy since I don’t have the time at the moment to do my own writing.

___________________________

Check out the link below:

http://www.albertmohler.com/blog_read.php?id=3348

Fire in Our Backyard

2009-01-24T10:07:00.005-05:00

hey guys, just a quick one right now.

I’ve heard being a chiropractor is a hot business, but this is ridiculous! Ok, ok, I’m bad, I know. There was a very bad fire here last night / this morning and these are some pics after it was somewhat under control.

At about 7 or 7:30, someone rang our doorbell. I am an insanely hard sleeper, unless something weird happens, then I'm up like a shot. I checked out the window and couldn't see anyone. I checked the peep-hole and still nothing, checked the kitchen window, still nothing. My mind immediately thought it may be a home invasion or some other lunatic thing like that and they were using the front door as a distraction while preparing to come in the back (I know, I’m weird). Right about the time I was going to give up and go back to bed, I noticed headlights parking in front of our apt. I looked out the kitchen window again and noticed the reflection of a HUGE fire. I figured it must be the duplex next door and told Michelle. Right about that time, we noticed the fire behind us and it turned out to be the Chiropractor’s office behind our apt… the one RIGHT next to the gas station!!!

We forget how many times the Lord protects us... our every breath is only by His declaration and grace! May we never have to endure a fire and lose all that we hold dear, but if that should come, may we stay continually depend upon Him… it truly is all chaff anyway!

To view all the pictures (totally raw and unedited) go HERE

To view my favs / "the best" (hand-picked and occasionally cropped for effect), go HERE

Life for the Depressed

2008-12-12T16:28:00.016-05:00

Wow, a little over a year ago I lost every poem I’ve ever written. I was no flaming professional or anything, but I did have a few things in some minor publications (I can’t remember where now :); I used to write a LOT of poetry and even wrote a short story once. Anyway, I’m packing right now and ran across a copy of one of my old poems. Actually, it was the very first poem I ever wrote. I was in the seventh grade at the time and will provide a little background below.

Some of you are not aware of my past/ rough childhood. Christ has been very faithful to bring healing to my life, but my younger years were not easy to say the least (as I’ve referenced before, I can only share “so much” here in public because it involves other people, so we’ll leave it at that for now). During those years, I was quite depressed and alone, humanly speaking. I contemplated suicide fairly often during that period, but I could never do it. Not because I was scared, I’m too bold / brazen for that. No, it was not fear that kept me from ending my life, instead it’s an amazing testimony to the love and grace of Christ Jesus that kept me from killing myself then and continues to sustain me today.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the time right now to do this story justice (I’m supposed to be packing my apt so I can move tomorrow and I’m WAY behind schedule). For now, I will simply say that even in the depths of my depression, I always had the feeling that I would let someone down if I did it. At the time, I confidently “knew” that there was not a single human being in the entire world that cared about me at all. I am not exaggerating, I didn’t believe that my own mom cared at the time (the devil is deathly crafty and tells some convincing lies) and the goal of every single day was to simply try to avoid as much berating and abuse as possible, so that I could get up and do it again the next day (no wonder I love the book of Ecclesiastes). All was vanity and loss, yet as a saved person (yes, I was saved at the time… so let your theology cringe in fear), I knew that Christ loved me. I didn’t understand it at a conscious level (in other words I would have denied it at the time), but “deep down” I knew… I couldn’t run from it and it was literally THE only reason I didn’t follow through. It was just the sense that I would be letting someone down despite hours, days, weeks, and even months of pondering “who” and not coming up with a single answer. Anyway, I need to get back to packing, but WOW, what a reflection on the grace, love, and awe-inspiring power of Christ! Thank you Lord!!!

__________________________________

Life for the Depressed©
By: Aaron Hawk

Is my life meaningless?
Is my life lifeless?
Why was I born,
to soak up the morn?
Why is it that in everything I do,
a problem just rises anew?
Should I open up and cry,
or should I allow myself to die?
Should I kill myself,
or continue to live in stealth?
Whether I choose to live in stealth,
kill myself,
or die,
it shall be done while I cry…
__________________________________

For anyone who may read this and wonder if anyone cares… someone does. Christ cares, and wants to enter into a relationship with you. If you are reading this and are at all intrigued, that alone is proof that Christ is “speaking to your heart.” If you do not have a relationship with Christ, there is guaranteed hope, if you ask Him, Christ will bring you into his family and you will inherit all of the blessings that come with being part of His family (watch the video below and or check out the other links if you want to know how). If you are already part of Christ’s family and struggling, run to your Father in heaven and speak to a faithful minister of the Gospel of Christ! If you do not know one, email me (info below) and I will speak with you and try to find someone in your area. My friend, there is hope, and despite all of the lies that the evil one wants to sell you, you are loved (very deeply) and of great value in Christ! The only warning to give you is that Christ is the only way; He is the only hope… there is no other. The blessing is that if you are feeling prompted by this, He is ready and waiting right now!!!

Email me at Godsservant3” att hotmail dott comm and put “Question about Jesus” in the subject line.

My Church, Ninth and O (woot)

A Church website that seems sound

A fantastic and sincere presentation of the Gospel:

A Quick Rant on Gardasil

2008-10-07T22:22:00.011-04:00

Well, once again, what was intended to be about a sentence or so that didn’t fit in my Facebook status ended up being an intended short paragraph, which in turn, led to the note below. Also, understand that this was written quickly because I am supposed to be studying Greek at the moment, so there is probably some repetition and there are probably other assorted errors, these are just my usual scattered thoughts. Finally before I begin, I know it’s been forever and I do still want desperately to write on so many things (including the REALLY long-awaited series). Sorry folks, just still more snowed under than I know how to dig out of right now.

___________

I am simply amazed with Gardasil. Merck has employed one of the greatest (and most underhanded) marketing strategies in recent history. If you watch one of the advertisements or read some of the literature, they have young, beautiful girls telling you how they don’t want their lives destroyed by cervical cancer and how this is the answer to that problem b/c they are now protected and won’t die. This is a good thing, I mean, cervical cancer is NASTY (to say the least) and who wants this beautiful, young, energetic, sincere, innocent young girl to die. Of course, I mean, hey, they found a vaccine that prevents her from getting it. I wouldn’t want my daughter to have to face that… seems pretty simple, right?!

Well folks, I am always amazed at marketing and advertising and how insanely deceptive they are. The whole idea of drug companies marketing to the consumer is preposterous and the subject of a much longer rant at some point, but for now let me simply say… the drugs should be marketed to the doctors, not the patient!!!! Folks, medicine is VERY, VERY complicated. Let me say it again, medicine is VERY, VERY complicated!!! People devote their lives to understanding the science behind the human body and the science of helping prolong death (which is the purpose of medicine btw). They are the specialist. However, the drug companies have figured out that if they tell the consumer to tell the doctor what they need, they sell more drugs. It’s really that simple. How is it possible for you the consumer, to know more than the specialist you are going to see?! Does a student set the course material for the teacher? No, the teacher sets the material according to the student (if indeed he is a good teacher). I have been teaching martial arts for 12 years now and students do not tell me what they need. I am the specialist and I will use the best methods I am aware of to teach the student according to his or her abilities. This is the educational method, it works, it is common sense. The students that do come to me, telling me how to do “A,” “B,” or “C” are the ones that don’t make it, at least until they figure out I do indeed know my specialty better than they do. Medicine is the same, but even more so. It’s bad enough that drug companies pay doctors to prescribe their medicines, that sways good medicine far enough, but now, a smiling, pretty face on the tv screen is telling consumers they understand their own needs and medicine better than their doctors. Wow, what a system!!! Ok, well, I ranted a little longer on that rabbit trail than I intended to (I know, I know, what else is new).

Back to the point… what is my problem with Gardasil? Well, it’s not a problem with the medicine itself. All the research* indicates that the medicine will in fact prevent certain types of cervical cancer, but the issue is what they are not telling you. What does this “miracle drug” do? Well, what it actually vaccinates against is most HPV (Human PapillomaVirus) infections. So, from there, they go on and on telling you how bad HPV is and how many people it affects and they really make it out to be something analogous to getting pneumonia or something. Yes, they are both bad and yes, they need to be treated. However, there is a HUGE deception in this type of marketing and even in the very definitions given by “neutral” sources such as Wikipedia. They go on forever describing how “bad” cervical cancer is and how bad HPV is, but they are deceiving the public en masse. What they are trying desperately to avoid saying is that HPV is a sexually transmitted disease (STD). We live in such an “under the rug” society, that our very dictionaries are refusing to be blunt and honest, but instead use alternate wording so that people will not be confronted with the hard truth, their sin. We are a deceived nation.

You have virtually no chance of getting this disease outside of living a morally loose lifestyle. Yes, you can technically get this through some other means, but guys, the statistical probability (scientific probability) is nearly zero, which, any good statistics student will tell you, is mathematically the same as none (ie: it’s possible, but get real). Thus, the function of Gardacil is to prevent the consequences of a sexually promiscuous lifestyle. It does not prevent cancer, it prevents HPV, which in turn can cause cervical cancer. So, they are presupposing a morally corrupt lifestyle in which the person is messing around enough to contract HPV (which for some is once and for others is closer to a lifetime) and that HPV will cause cervical cancer. You take any of those things out of the equation and you have a useless drug. The premise is a sexually promiscuous lifestyle. This is the very same thing as the old “hand out condoms in school” issue, except more underhanded.

The drug companies knew that they would not be able to sell nearly as much of their product if they included all of the information, so they are counting on consumer ignorance and a lack of consumer investigation and selling us a line. Unfortunately, many of us are on the hook once again! They know that they would not be able to sell much of their product if they were to simply say that it prevents an STD (which is the most accurate statement). Why? Because for most people, that is not going to be an issue. This is the same issue as that of giving teenagers birth control, people are trying to prevent the consequences of lifestyle choices. Again, the premise, or starting point, is wrong, so the end conclusion is wrong. I don’t have time right now to get into worldview issues and explain all of the statements given above (such as why I believe it is silly to give a teenager birth control), so let me say once again, that I admit I am operating from a Judeo-Christian worldview and since I know the Bible to be true and Christ’s standard to be authoritative, I must align myself with it.

The bottom line, they are skipping steps here folks! Though to different ends, the logic is analogous to the following example. Let’s suppose for a moment that I ran an advertisement that I have discovered that the government is murdering at least 1200 people a year in laboratory-like rooms by injecting them with toxins. I’ve done my research and the numbers are on the rise every year, but I’ve discovered a way to prevent this. I then run an emotionally charged ad talking about how so many families lost their dear loved ones to the evil government program. I even give a few testimonials from ladies like Sue, who is in tears because her oldest son little Tim will not be celebrating Christmas with them this year because the government murdered him in one of their labs. My answer is that I have found out that the government is keeping these poor people in holding tanks and many of them are executed every year and if they stay there long enough, their death is inevitable. Thus, I will pass legislation to ban these holding tanks, effectively preventing the murders committed in these concentration-camp-like places. This sounds great! I mean, I can prevent over 1200 murders a year with one simple act of legislation. Shoot, we will even be saving money because the buildings and labs will no longer be needed. This is GREAT!!! Ok, this is a cheesy example, but let me break it down. If you shoot someone and are convicted of murder, the government will send you to prison, and you will likely get the death penalty and be executed for your crimes. The execution is the consequence of your action. In this example, A (your crime) causes B (jail), which in turn causes C (the possible outcome of your actions). Thus where “-“ equals causation, A-(B-C). In my example, I used particular language to misrepresent C and herald B as the problem (also using particular language to conceal the true nature of B). I neglected to mention A at all. The marketers of Gardasil have used the very same logic. Sexual promiscuity may cause an STD, which may in turn cause certain types of cervical cancer. Gardasil does in fact prevent some HPV, thus preventing some cancers, but it is false logic and deception. They focus on talking about how it prevents certain types of cervical cancer so that all the average consumer hears is “prevents… (Cervical) cancer,” and they know it (folks, marketing is nothing but psychology).

So, if you are a woman and are going to be sexually promiscuous, then you may indeed want to get this medicine, but don’t deceive yourself as to why you are getting it. If you are a parent, understand that you are putting yet another foreign substance into your daughter’s body** and you are not preventing cancer, but a sexually transmitted disease, effectively telling your children that personal responsibility is not a reality, that you don’t trust them, and/or that they can now be promiscuous without having to worry about this consequence. This is the true bottom line and it is despicable to play upon parent’s emotions to sell drugs that prevent consequences, and under false pretenses at that!

I’m truly amazed folks; once again, truly amazed!

*not that I’ve read it all, but I’ve talked with several very knowledgeable medical folks, one of whom is an experienced “female” doctor, and done a little independent reading

**hey, I’m for medicine, but all medicines have consequences and though we do take lots of medicines and I think there are many, many good ones, a medical reality is that every substance affects your body and we only understand enough to know that we don’t understand all of the consequences, especially where new medicines are concerned (anyone remember the iud nightmares). The thing is, medicine is a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils, as the saying goes, in very dim light. Chemo is another example… it is better to be weak and a mess and alive, than to die anyway, but chemo does have some very negative consequences… ok, officially ranting again ;).

Links:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_papillomavirus
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gardasil
http://www.gardasil.com/?WT.srch=1&WT.mc_id=GL07L

Still Here

2008-08-24T21:37:00.003-04:00

Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that I'm still here. Lots of things have changed and I have lots to report (and haven't forgotten about that series), but oh to have the time to write!!! I hope to resume in the next couple of weeks, but we will see. Prayer is appreciated ;)

And You Shall Teach Them Diligently

2008-05-11T14:50:00.004-04:00

As usual, I will need a few moments to set this up, so please bear with me :).

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Deuteronomy 5:16 16 ¶ 'Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with you on the land which the LORD your God gives you.

Ephesians 6:2-4 2 Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. 4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
____________________

So often we use this verse or speak about it, but we never really delve into what it means, how it plays out practically in life. As already stated, the purpose of this note is not to give an exposition of this verse, but rather to be one part of a lifetime of fulfilling it, to thank my mom on this mother’s day. Children are called to honor and obey their parents and parents are called to raise their children in the love and admonition of the Lord, not unto wrath. As with all of the scriptures, the purpose is a matter of the inward heart, not merely outward appearance. I have been blessed with a mother that understands this and has raised me to. Though there are many ways to express appreciation and love, public praise is a very important one and is the purpose and intent of this note.

For those of you that don’t know, I am a student at Southern Seminary. I have been blessed to be able to take a parenting class this semester covering the Biblical theory, methodology, and implementation of parenting. It was a very encouraging, fun, and devotional class for me. You may wonder how so, when I am still single and not dating, thus quite far from parenting? My mom is the answer to that question. Ultimately all glory and honor belong to the Lord, but his faithful servants are also to be praised. I say it was devotional first because of the subject, the very subject of parenting is a weighty one that encompasses the gamut of the Gospel. There is much to be learned and applied between the two. Yet, I also say it was devotional because I cannot remember a single time during the course that we covered something my mom not only lived out in how she raised me, but also taught me to do the same. I was constantly presented with material and over and over I could hear or see my mom in the past either doing the same thing or giving the same advice.

As I said in a previous note dedicated to my mom, she would not have me go on and on bragging about her (though I most certainly could), so I will respect her wishes. Yet, I will say a few things very briefly. Of all the things that I could list and all the things mom has done (and believe me, they are MANY), perhaps the thing that has had the greatest impact is the level of communication we have always shared. I cannot take credit for this. Sure, I talk a lot (once you get to know me anyway), but the communication came from my mom, constantly teaching and correcting me. With the communication we were able to, well, communicate about a lot of things. We have had endless conversations lasting who knows how long about countless things (I guess you get the point). Yet, in these conversations, mom was not just talking to me. No, she was also teaching me. We would talk about theory, methodology, and implementation of parenting as well as life in general. When she would discipline me, she would explain why and what her goal was. When she would observe me interacting with others, she would explain how that fit in one category or another and why this may work and that may not. My mom LIVED the Shema(h)*, teaching me at every moment in constant selflessness. I cannot imagine how much it must have taken out of her, especially considering the things we’ve been through; and yet, she was always faithful, and is always faithful. Even to this day, mom continues to teach me and to watch over my soul as it were. Even to this day, she is the most discerning person I’ve ever met. She led me in love and in devotion to Christ and I am who I am in Him ultimately because of Him, but I was led that way through my mom, His faithful servant.

I remember one conversation in particular a while back where I was complimenting her and, being humble as she is, she said that most kids think so, but that as they age, they begin to see mistakes their parents made and wonder to themselves “why did mom do this to me” or that a particular thing the parents chose to do caused trouble later on. I told her then that by nature of her statement I couldn’t give an adequate answer, but that I did not believe that would be true (and even if it were, we are all human). As with so many of the things mom has told me, I “kept it (them) in my heart.” Since then I have paid close attention to myself and to the idea of parenting, I do not want to be blind. After over a year of this contemplation, several marriage and this parenting class, I still stand by what I said. Strong as I am, I cannot fathom how she raised me in the way she did with the circumstances as they were. She gave me a sure foundation in Christ and even helped me build the walls. Was she perfect? Am I blind to her imperfections? Most certainly not, but we are all human and as parents go, I cannot, with all of my vivid imagination, imagine someone to have done a better job or done it with more love.

With all that she has poured into me and all that the Lord has led me to, I do not fear marriage or parenting. I take it seriously don’t get me wrong, but I do not fear it. I have seen the things she taught me work time and time again and even here at Seminary, they were prescribed as the way we ought to raise our children. With such testimony, how can I fear. Instead, I prayerfully hope that I can be an equally loving and wise parent.

As I said in the beginning of this note, one of the ways that you can demonstrate love is to publicly praise the one you love and yet I can’t even do that without realizing that my mom is the one who taught me how. So, I’m afraid that I can’t give her anything she has not already given me… but then again, that is the truest definition of love and a wonderful picture of the Gospel. Thank you so much mom, for your endless love, care, and support. You have taught me more about the Lord, the Scriptures, and ministry, than all my theology classes combined. What else can I say, but I love you and I am unspeakably thankful that the Lord allowed me to have you for my mother!

So mom, thank you so much! Please continue praying for me as I know you have, do, and will. I pray for you all the time and I am continually amazed by your wisdom, insight, and love! Words will surely fail if I continue trying, so, happy mother’s day!

*Deuteronomy 6:4-9 ¶ "Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! 5 "And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 "And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart; 7 and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. 8 "And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. 9 "And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

De Temps En Temps, Je Suis Un Cynique

2008-05-05T15:31:00.007-04:00

Ok, most of the time when I write, I try VERY hard to speak very softly (and have even been told that in my writing I “apologize” too much). I do that on purpose because I never know who will be reading and what they might be going through at the time. Anyone that has heard me preach or hold someone in accountability knows that the way I write is much more “seasoned with salt” than my natural “prophet mode.” The difference is that in person, I have some background to know who the person (or audience) is, what they are going through, and what might be the best way to help them change, which should be our goal. When writing, I write to a “blank” audience and am thus not afforded the luxury of contextualizing. Thus, I have chosen the softest “speech” I can allow myself, without shrinking from the truths that I desire to share (and quite frankly don’t want to sound or be arrogant in the way I present things).

In the context of most of the things I write about, to preach the truth blindly, with no thought to contextualization, is to be personally offensive and do a disservice to the Gospel. That is to risk breaking the bruised reed or putting out the smoldering flax. When dealing with preaching the truth of the Gospel (for example), if someone vehemently denies the Deity of Christ, then sure oppose them outright; yet even there, -often- there is place to season your speech (speaking to someone one on one verses defending your flock for example). At the same time, anyone who understands the scriptures also knows there is indeed a time to oppose with vigor, standing with power on the truth of the Gospel… to set your face as a flint. A brief overview of the prophets will demonstrate this. Yet, a close inspection of their methods will show that this type of confrontation was a last resort. The simple truth is that if change is the goal, as it should be, people will usually respond better when you season your speech with salt and take a “come let us reason together” approach. You can become more and more strong and more and more bold as you see the need and opportunity. Anyway, the point is that my writing is primarily about people, relationships, and reflection. This context demands a softer approach. Some writers, such as Dr. Mohler, are writing to a “hostile” secular audience, primarily to defend the truths of the Scriptures, and thus they must write according to that context. Anyway, once again, what was supposed to be pretty much a one-liner has turned into much more ;). Thus, the following was the actual original intention.

Sometimes I am quite the cynic and my cynical nature is usually checked, yet, the more tired I am the less of a “check” I have. The "sanctificationometer" sorta goes haywire in proportion to the lack of sleep, which is certainly among the reasons that sleep is often the first method of Spiritual attack in my life. Anyway, I am admitting to you ahead of time that I am being cynical (and then off to get a nap and finish another paper).

I had to laugh today, in a sad sort of way. I find it so funny sometimes to listen to people talk to each other, especially when a young man and young woman have obviously just started meeting with each other and are in the process of trying to suck up to or sell themselves to the other person. Words are coming out of their mouths and at a superficial level, they honestly believe they are having a discussion about some arbitrary thing. Today’s example was that they both were trying to impress each other by admitting that “they” understand that men and women are so different and by proving that they, in fact, do understand how it’s so sad and that “other” people fall into catering to the ideals of romantic love and how they believe in Biblical love. The conversation ensued with lots of emphatic and drawn-out “yeah’s” and silly laughter in thankfulness that the most obvious “Christian soapbox” they could think to address wasn’t rejected as false by the other person, though they specifically chose that soapbox because they know it is so solid that any “good” Christian would have to agree. At the same time, the other person tries diligently to figure out a way to agree with whatever is said, no matter what qualifiers or “round-about” thinking is required, so that they are not perceived negatively by the other person. This is exceedingly comic, to quote Kierkegaard. They are both so insecure with themselves, so distrusting of the other person, and ultimately so unwilling to take a stand that their conversation amounts to nothing. Further, if they can’t accept you for who you are (in Christ, of course), then why are you interested? If you are not sure, how else do you intend to find out? I am of course presuming that an honest, Godly relationship is the goal.

Again, it is exceedingly comic because at a superficial level they honestly believe themselves to be discussing those things. Yet, the real conversation is below the surface and amounts to a tentative “hey I like you do you like me?... but I’m not yet willing to be vulnerable and show you who I am so I’ll stick to sucking up for the time being.” The example today was especially funny because in the process of doing this, and of superficially discussing their refusal to cater to romantic love, they were, in fact, catering to it by their actions. It is sad for many reasons. For one, because each and every time a person speaks in this way they are lying to themselves, to the other person, and to the Lord. Further, with each and every statement spoken or thought in this manner, they are slowly breaking down their integrity and conscience. Also, they are setting up a false picture for the other person and setting themselves up for failure. Now, lest you think me guilty of claiming to have never done this, I can remember doing this a time or two, but for the most part, I just don’t understand it. Yet, as always, I must question my own motives in even writing this. Am I just writing to try to impress someone unknown to me, to prove that “I’m not like them?” Am I having a superficial conversation with my readers speaking superficial words while below the surface trying to communicate some weak insecure plea? What possible motives could I have? Why do I write at all? I know I can’t trust myself or my own motives sometimes, yet, by my actions I must be trusting them to some degree. If you ask me why I write I can think of at least three reasons. I realize I’m leaving a paper trail, I desire to honor and glorify Christ with my life, and I want to live life before people so that I may be held in check and so that we may all be aided through discussion as iron sharpens iron; yet inherent in that is ample room for false motives and self-aggrandizement if my heart is not where it ought to be. I don’t honestly think this is the case, but neither did “they.”

Folks, regardless of my motives, we ought to live in transparency before God, with ourselves, and with others. There are times or situations where transparency cannot exist because Biblical principles or wisdom dictate that it is so, but aside from that, there is simply no excuse. As you well know, I could go on and on with this both in discussion and in quoting all sorts of scriptures, but I won’t. I’ll leave it right there and close with one of my favorite quotes.

“In our addresses, let our conduct be sincere, and tempers undisguised; let us use no artifices to cover or conceal our natural frailties and imperfections; but be outwardly, what we really are within, and appear such as we design steadfastly to continue”—Benjamin Franklin

Wandering Medley

2008-04-18T00:48:00.003-04:00

Hey guys, another quick one. As many of you know, I often use different elements in prayer and worship and vary the way I make song selections. Sometimes I will sing a song that has been on my heart and mind or randomly looking through a hymnal and pick something according to the “finger method” or actually following a theme (even numerical order sometimes, very varied). Yet, often times the best worship is simply found in singing what is on my heart, in simply making it up as I go. When I do this, sometimes the “lyrics” are completely made up or sometimes pieces of familiar songs, but to a different tune (or I “tweak” the tune).

The other day I was singing away and just stopped and began praying through some of the verses that had formed the theme of my worship, which is not entirely unusual. As I did this, by nature of it being a prayer, I changed a few of the words added a scriptural allusion or two and a very small amount of my own “stuff.” Anyway, as I do from time to time, though it is more unusual, I decided to write some of it down. After doing so, I also decided to share a little of it. Most of it is not original, so it will be easily recognized. The key is to read it though, not to sing it (which is always my tendency). Oh, and I also placed this one a pic that has a great deal of meaning to me… it actually is an Ebenezer for me :).

Wandering Medley

I’m prone to wander, Lord I feel it.
Hither, by they help alone I’m come;
For streams of mercy never ceasing, draw me near unto your side.
Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord, unto your precious bleeding side…
And bind my heart to yours, so that only in you I’m found.
Hide me away O Lord, safe in your dwelling place, beneath the shadow of your wings.
Here’s my heart Lord, please take and seal it; seal it, for thy courts above.
I stand amazed in your presence, crying,

“My father I love you and I thank you too,
For using one entirely unworthy and deserving to die.”

So here I’ll raise my Ebenezer, that in you and you alone I may be found,
For where else should I be!

I'm Still Here

2008-04-16T01:28:00.003-04:00

Hey guys, just letting you know I’m still here. I’ve been absolutely buried in my studies and look forward to more blogging very soon. Til then, perhaps you might enjoy this pic / medley ;)

PS - Click the pic to enlarge :)

I Bit Myself… Again!!!

2008-04-06T01:32:00.005-04:00

“even here with all the future ministers, I spend most of my time counseling them, not lost people!!! And that is not because I’m not around lost people; it is just because the future ministers are being torn apart by demonic forces who don’t want them to survive in ministry!”

“If you attack the foundation, the structure will fall! It is quite true that the demonic powers and forces of darkness desire to destroy us. Yet, at the same time, God is allowing these things into our lives to try and test us… to remove the dross and bring out the purified silver and gold. If we cannot survive seminary and we cannot maintain our relationship with the Lord here, we will most certainly fail in the ministry and it is better for those who would be under us that we drop out now. May we be ever vigilant and watchful!”

I share this because I was quite convicted by my own words (as usual). These two paragraphs are short excerpts from email responses to two friends and even as I was typing, I was convicted by my own attitude toward sin sometimes and the ways in which I have been the proverbial guy in the Hawaiian t-shirt and Bermuda shorts, walking clueless into the middle of a battlefield (1 Cor 10:12). May God help me to be at WAR through and in His strength!!!

I Threw These Pictures into the Album and Out Came This Note

2008-04-05T06:20:00.011-04:00

Ok, how to introduce this one… well, it started with a subtitle to a single photograph, went to a short comment on a series, and ended up with what you see below. I now have a photo album and a note. Thus, I simply chose to present the note and link the album which inspired it. And yes, I obviously “talk” too much ;).

To quickly introduce the album itself, I have grouped the pictures in series. Thus, to see what I am trying to demonstrate, the pictures should be viewed from the first to the last in, with each series taken on its own merit. If you do this (and your internet connection is fast enough, you will be able to see the subtle shifts of focus and how each picture is quite unique and presents the subject differently.

I Threw These Pictures into the Album and Out Came This Note

I have a number of different photo albums wherein I have placed “artsy” shots, but this set doesn’t really fit any of them. Among the many things that fascinate me is the idea of focus and perspective, which is the “focus” of this album. This fascination runs through all of life and has applications in things as simple as photography all the way to the highest things pertaining to our perspective and focus concerning Christ.

When studying something or someone, the slightest shift in perspective or focus gives you an entirely different picture of the subject being studied. Each and every shift in focus reveals a different point of beauty, bringing clarity to one part and obscurity to another. The subject hasn’t changed, it remains constant, yet the perception is quite different. Even if a subject is not static, as in the case of people, through studying many different foci and perspectives you are able to discern where the subject is not consistent. Thus, it is doubly important to study people, situations, and anything and everything in life in this manner. Wisdom comes through the application of true study (knowledge) from as many possible angles as possible. Now, to quickly clarify… of course wisdom comes only from Christ, herein this is assumed. These are simply the ways in which we sharpen wisdom as wisdom comes solely through and from Him (Prov 2). A good definition I’ve heard is that “wisdom is a gift from God, a finely tuned gift of discernment.” This is a decent definition, but not fully orbed. Anyway, I am most certainly on a tangent at this point and speak enough of wisdom elsewhere.

In the end, this is why the honest, true, and full study of theology is so important. We cannot completely comprehend God, yet, with the pictures He’s given us, we can begin to study Him, to learn who He is, what He has done, what He desires, and to worship Him for and in His infinite wisdom and beauty!!! Thus in our theological studies, we must be careful not to simply ascribe to a system, but to study the scriptures themselves, and from every possible angle. All too often we care more about what person “X” or person “Y” says about the Bible, than what the scriptures themselves say… are we truly people of the Word?! Ok, ending tangent here.

Anyway, I may be crazy, but these are some of the things I think about so I wanted to share it with you. This is at least part of the reason I enjoy photography and studying beauty in general… beauty is everywhere, we just need eyes to see!

My April Fools 2008 ;-)

2008-04-01T23:44:00.009-04:00

Hey guys, just wanted to give you a little insight into how I spent my April fools. Now, before I begin, I realize that some of you will have different convictions and I say now, that each should operate as his conscience dictates, never violate your conscience! If you feel convicted that pranks are wrong, then don’t do them. If you feel that they are ok, then make sure that you don’t harm anyone spiritually or otherwise in them. I think that we must be careful, but am not convicted that pranks are wrong in and of themselves… if done in view of the brotherly love we are all to have for one another. Thus, I share ahead of time that if you are bothered by pranks and see them as evil, don’t read on.

As some of you know, I have a Facebook account and enjoy it very much. Also, as many of you know, I am single (and looking). First thing this morning, I called my mom to warn her so that she wouldn’t have a heart-attack (and to get her in on the joke). Then, I created a fictitious woman named Rachel, changed my Facebook status from “single” to “married” and linked the two accounts. I then changed my profile picture to one this one:

Then I posted the following note:
(note: I have obscured the picture on purpose)

Well folks, I have long teased about looking for “Rachel,” which was an analogy for my future beloved (Gen 29). I have had conversations with many of you about “her.” I guess God truly has a sense of humor because I’ve been talking to a girl for a few months… her name is (was) Rachel Cambell. We knew each other back at North Greenville University (then College) and I even taught her karate. We talked and hung out a lot when we were there and then lost contact for the last few years. It turns out that in those couple of years of talking and hanging out we were both quite interested in each other but I was not willing to step forward, so things died off. A few months ago (early this past January actually) we found each other again and have been talking to each other A LOT, catching up and getting to know each other again. We decided that since we were both ready, knew each other well enough, and had felt the Lord leading us together before, we should go ahead and wed. I never thought I would do something this crazy, but you know what they say.

As to why this particular weekend… well, as you all know, I have been very under the gun lately. Between academics and Rachel, now you can understand why. This weekend just worked best for both of our schedules. So, I flew down, we had a small, private ceremony and here we are. We’ll have a “friends and family” service this coming summer, so for any that wanted to “be there,” have no fear you have not missed it!

__________________________________________

The rest of the day was spent in endless laughter reading, hearing, and talking with friends who’s reactions ranged from disbelief, disappointment, to applause. It even earned a very unconvinced and sarcastic phone call from my mentor at the church. The first words out of his mouth were, “so, when’s the baby due?” To which I replied, “well, I figure we can’t really hide it… in about six months.” Again, this is only funny because it is SO antithetical to everything I stand for and the way that I reason through things.

Then, of course, with only a few minutes left to the day, I changed my status to “Aaron just has to say it… APRIL FOOLS!!!...,” changed myself back to single, and made the fictitious Rachel disappear. I then posted the following as comments on the note.

"Thanks for playing the April fools conspiracy and thanks to those who helped make it SO much fun!!! (and thanks to Randal for the title)."

"Those who know me well probably didn’t believe it for a second and if you did think I would do something that insane, you’re as certifiable as I was suggesting I had been :-). Sheesh, nothing could be more antithetical to who I am or to my true desires and heart. Yep, if you believed it, you were duped by a big fat April fools!!! Don’t get me wrong, I desire to meet the right person, but in the Lord’s time and way. Oh, and to all the (fictitious) broken-hearted ladies arising out of this joke, have no fear, I’m still available and looking (ha ha, ;)"

"ps - in no way was I trying to make fun of anyone, I was ranting in my odd little way, but didn't mean to word it so strongly (in reference to the above post). Sorry B-)"

So yeah, that was pretty much my day... endless fun with the gift of laughter!!!

I was quite blessed by much of the disbelief as those who know me best didn’t believe it for one second. I was also blessed by many of the related compliments from friends who told me why they didn’t believe it. Today, I have received compliments and encouragement like none before from some very discerning and loving people. I truly have some GREAT friends who love me dearly and whom I love dearly. I thank my God continually for you all!!!

A Sleepless Night in the Presence of My Savior

2008-03-30T06:46:00.003-04:00

I am having a sleepless night in the presence of my Savior. This happens with me sometimes in the throes of spiritual warfare with some particular issue or problem. Sometimes it is even in an abundance of joy, excitement, or blessing that I find myself unable to stop thinking and find sleep. Tonight is an odd mix of all the above. I am continually amazed at how easily deceived I am and how quickly I can turn from the straight path. Yet, I am also continually amazed at the love, grace, and patience of my gracious Savior who continually draws me back unto Himself, which is cause for joy, excitement, and worship. I am a pretty tenacious person in general, especially where devotion to Christ is concerned… yet sometimes not nearly enough. It is one thing to keep from running the opposite way from the Lord in some grand fashion and in one of the “big” things that we tend to classify as such. Yet, the small degrees of turning are so very troublesome. We walk the straight path and follow closely and think we do well because we are not turning the other way. Yet, one degree of turning is just as much rebellion as to actually turn around. It is in the small degrees over time that mighty ships end up miles and miles off course. Further, at that point, there is no perceptible difference between a ship that went off course slowly and one that simply turned the other way. Thus, it doesn’t matter how the ship got off course, whether deliberate or not, the simple fact is that the ship is in waters in which it does not belong. The slightest deception, the slightest turning, and we will be quite far from the Lord before we even know what has happened. We are desperately wicked and entirely in need of Christ’s continual work of sanctification. This is why the disciplines are so vitally important to our lives. Through the disciplines, such as prayer and reading, we are constantly compared to Christ, our standard. May we use the true measuring rod and measure often!!!

Among the passages I have been meditating on tonight is Psalm 127, specifically the first two verses and also Eccl 5:12. Sleep is an interesting thing to study in the scriptures. Sleep is a gift from the Lord and can be the blessing given to those who are faithful and have labored diligently. Yet, sometimes sleep is withheld from the faithful in order to draw them into a greater sense of watchfulness and devotion. Other times it is withheld due to deliberate sin and a restlessness of the mind akin to paranoia (Prov 28:1). Other times, God gives people over to sloth and slumber and they sleep well in ignorance, not knowing that judgment is coming.

Thus, though I am thankful for nights that I am able to sleep in the blessings given after diligent work, I am also thankful for sleepless nights. These are the times where I can clearly see the way the Lord is working in my life and I can be excited that He is in fact working. It is a much more fearsome thing for God to leave us alone than to come under discipline (or construction). It is in emptying ourselves and taking in Christ that we find true rest and fulfillment. We must pour ourselves out and drink in Christ. May we continually be empty vessels, cleansed from the inside out and ready to be filled with new wine!

I don’t share very often about the music I listen to or particular artists for that matter (I am very eclectic). If I do, it has usually been a hymn. However, one song in particular has been on my mind and in my heart tonight. It has been a custom fit for tonight, if I can use the expression. The song is on Ron Kenoly’s CD “Dwell in the House.” It is entitled “My Quiet Place” and I have copied the lyrics below to share with you. Though I do not agree with his every theological point (and am ignorant of much of it), I dearly enjoy some of his music.

My Quiet Place
By: Ron Kenoly

Lord I love

To worship You

O Lord I love

To worship You

You have given me so much

To be thankful for

And I love You is not enough

To express my love

Everything I have inside of me

Lord I give to You

There is nothing I can do

But worship You

O Lord I love

To worship You

Yes Lord I love

To worship You

You have given me so much

To be thankful for

And my words are not enough

To express my love

So everything I have inside of me

Lord I give to You

And there is nothing more to do

Lord there is nothing more to do

There is nothing more to do

But worship You

Worship You

Prayer Requests by Request

2008-03-27T03:40:00.012-04:00

Anyone who knows me well, knows how vitally important prayer is to me. It is one of the most natural and dearest of the spiritual disciplines for me… it is sweet communion with my Father, it is the umbilical cord that sustains and strengthens me, it is one of the deepest acts of worship, fellowship, praise, service, and love (among other things). My life simply cannot exist without it and I wouldn’t want it to. Further, it is my abundant joy to regularly lift up people and situations to our Father. He alone is worthy of our praise and devotion and He alone is able to affect change. From time to time people will ask me how they can pray for me and I am always overjoyed to share. Yet, I do not wish to be a burden, so I rarely share more than a slice of the spectrum (and let’s face it, most people don’t actually want more than a slice). However, sharing requests should not be burdensome and this format is a little different than a casual conversation wherein we are thinking of appointments we must make, chores and work that must be done, and the many other things that keep us constantly on the move. In light of this, I have decided to share a few things, a sampling of the spectrum so to speak. As in all of our lives, there is a lot going on in mine right now, yet, in truth, these are all minor things in the grand scheme. I say at the outset that I am abundantly blessed in that I do not have anything to share that is so pressing or so “huge” that I am in any way upset by it. Further, I very clearly recognize that there are countless millions that need prayer much more than I do and need prayer about infinitely more important things. Thus, please understand I am simply providing a “window” into what is going on in my life and ways people can pray for me if they should feel so led. Finally, although it should be obvious, please understand that this list has been put together “by request” so to speak; thus it not representative of my prayer life (what a selfish one it would be if that was the case). Thank you!

For the sake of simplicity, I have organized the list according to broad topics. Yet, in truth, these divisions are fairly arbitrary as they all overlap. I have also provided a little explanation in each to help you better understand the request. At the bottom, I will provide a skeleton version of this list so that it can be easily printed and used, yet without all the explanation.

Spiritual Needs

Above all and in all, pray that the Lord would give me wisdom and discernment / understanding in all things. That He would help me to see situations and people from His perspective.
Please also pray that the Lord would so consume me, that I disappear… as it should be!
Pray that I would continue to live in His Spirit and not for myself. That He would truly be my all and that I would give Him pure, passionate devotion and not lip service.
Please pray that I would be broken, laid open (naked and bare as a sacrifice is split open) before Him. That I would have a brokenness over and a hatred of sin.

Financial Needs

I am quite blessed to have someone who is sponsoring my time here, so I would ask that you join me in praying for him and his family. Pray especially for their health. I am personally praying that the Lord would restore to them 7 fold all that they have done for me. Pray also that they would continue to do this out of joy and love. I am so very thankful for them.
Please pray that the Lord would provide a way to pay off my student loans. I owe about $4400 from my undergrad. This is the entirety of my debt, but I hate debt and desire to see this lifted before the next phase of life begins. In my current situation, that is not possible. Though it is a lot to ask, I am praying that the Lord might raise up someone to help me with this. This is as nothing to God and even from my perspective there are certainly people who could do it if the Lord prompted them to. Thus, please pray that the Lord’s will would be done.
Please also pray that the Lord would provide a way for me to have Lasik surgery. I wear glasses and am quite tired of them. I see this request from two basic perspectives. The first is stewardship: glasses are expensive and you have to keep replacing them over time… this adds up (and btw… it is past time for mine). The surgery is also expensive, but it seems to me it will clearly win out in the long run. The second is luxury: they are a constant hindrance at work and during activities such as working out. Quite often they fly off or are so covered in dust and sweat that I just can’t see anyway. To be perfectly blunt, they are just annoying. At the same time, I am very thankful to live in a place and time where they are even available… believe me, I do recognize this!
Please pray that my car would continue to run well. The bottom line is that if anything major happens with it, I will not be able to afford to replace it and I will be prevented from working to help replace it. I have been in that position many times before and the Lord always makes a way, so I am not worried, though I don’t want to be there again.

Down the Pike (near and distant future)

Please pray for discernment and provision for the summer.

I am trying to figure out whether or not to try to go home and work, to stay here and take several classes that are being offered, or some combination thereof. Here’s the deal: though I haven’t talked with him thus far, I imagine my boss back home would allow me to return. I really and truly work for an amazing man and an amazing company. It is a job, boss, and company that I love and enjoy very, very much. I absolutely LOVE the work and truly enjoy going to work every day (there is something about hard work that is very refreshing). Further, I always have a great time of ministry there. On top of that, I can make a lot of money with that company. This option is especially tempting given the above financial issues. Yet, there are three classes that are being offered this summer that I would be able to take if I stayed. This would lighten the load of my final academic year here, allowing me time for other things such as dating, GRE / PhD prep, talking to churches, etc - as the Lord leads. I would also like to try to study and then exempt a Greek class this summer so that I can take a more advanced Greek class during the regular semester. If I do not exempt, I will not be able to take the advanced class at all. Further, I love my life here and don’t want to leave my friends and church family. Yet staying means being in a VERY weak financial position.
Please pray for discernment and provision for the future immediately after graduation (next May Lord willing). I do not know as of yet if the Lord would have me continue educationally or go right into ministry. If PhD work, please pray especially for provision and also that I would be directed to the proper program and school (and of course that I would be accepted). If ministry, please pray that the Lord would direct my steps to the place He has ordained for me to serve and that I would be able to do so faithfully.

Of a Personal Nature

A Relationship

As I have shared in the recent past, I am finally ready for a relationship with the right young woman. Please pray for me to have wisdom and discernment in seeking her. Please pray that the Lord would bring her into my life soon. I understand that His timing is perfect, so I am not upset. Even still, I do hope it is soon.
Pray especially that my eyes would be open. I have been so long in the posture of not looking, that not seeing has to some degree become a matter of habit.
Pray above all that she and I would be directed by the Lord and not ourselves. Pray that we wouldn’t play games, but that we would seek the Lord’s will and do it, no matter what and that there would be knowledge, not confusion, that walls would not be put up and that transparency would be present.
Pray that I would not settle out of weakness, but that I would not be expecting perfection either (I really feel pretty strong in this respect, but I am human).
Pray for opportunities to meet young women as that seems to be my greatest challenge. Also, pray that these opportunities would allow me to see who the young woman is. Because knowing something of her character is necessary for me to have genuine interest, the process can be excruciatingly slow (despite the fact that God has blessed me with a measure of discernment).
Pray that I honor the Lord in the way that I deal with any young woman that comes into my life and that I would bring help and healing to her (not harm). Pray that I would be able to point her to Christ, even if that particular young woman and I are not to be.
Pray that when the right one does appear, that we would see and be delighted by each other. Please also pray that the Lord would lead, guide, comfort, and heal her even now and be preparing us for each other.

Again, I only provide this for those that are truly interested in lifting me up to the Father (specifically those that have asked). Please do not feel obligated to say or do anything, especially not to promise to pray for me. I would rather a thousand people pray for me and zero let me know than for a lot of people to promise to pray and never actually do it. Thank you so much!

Oh, and as always, please let me know if I can pray for you in any way. You can talk, email, post, or call, whatever you are comfortable with. Blessings in Christ!

In Christ,

Aaron Hawk
John 3:30; Prov 16.9

Skeleton Version of the Prayer Requests

Spiritual

That I would be completely, totally, and only for Christ.
That the Lord would give me wisdom, understanding, and His perspective in all that I encounter in life.

Financial

For my sponsor’s health and family
Student Loans
Lasik surgery
Transportation to hold up

Future

Wisdom and discernment concerning school and work for this summer
Wisdom and discernment concerning post-graduation plans

Personal

That my eyes would be open according to the Lord’s will
That the Lord would move and work in brining my future beloved into my life, preferably soon
That the Lord would be preparing my future beloved and me for each other.

The Familiar Path and the Frightened Child

2008-03-18T01:13:00.010-04:00

A man was walking along a familiar path in the cool of the day, as was his custom. He stopped at his usual place to lean against an old oak tree and noticed a child had built a structure of some sort on a ledge just below this sturdy tree. After a few minutes, he saw the child coming toward him. Trying to be kind, and not wanting to alarm the child, he said hi. The child cordially responded “hi.” The man then rose and resumed his walk. Upon his return later that day, the man noticed that not only was the child gone, but so was the structure. There remained only a few broken pieces of what had been. As the man observed this, he couldn’t help but think that despite his efforts, he had frightened the child…

The Mystery and Beauty of Women: A Very Brief Meditation

2008-03-14T00:50:00.005-04:00

Women (especially sisters in Christ) are truly God’s gift to men in so many ways (ways in which I can’t even begin to explain or comprehend). There is a glory and beauty in women that distinctively reflects so much of who God is and the depths of His character and love, which cannot be adequately expressed or explained. Women are a mystery as well as a blessing. I wish so much that more men recognized this… we have so much to learn from each other. By nature of being created as men and women, we reflect God’s glory differently. What I mean is that we are each made in the image of God, but through the filter of male and female, it is expressed quite differently (oh the vastness of that image that makes it such!).

To provide an analogy: If you think in terms of angled mirrors… one mirror may be at angle “A” and another may be at angle “B.” They are both mirrors, there is no qualitative difference whatsoever. Yet, the angle will determine what is reflected and how it is reflected. Or better yet think of prisms. Pure white light enters and is then refracted and reflected by the prism. The very angle that the light is bent determines the color (or colors) that are displayed. Thus, by design, we each bear the Imago Dei, yet reflect quite different aspects of that glorious and mysterious image.

Also by design, we naturally seek those in whom the Spirit of Christ dwells / is evident. The Spirit bears witness and deep calls unto deep. Add to this the fact that women reflect the image so very differently than men and it should be obvious why a Godly woman so inspires and motivates a man who is already pursuing the Lord, to pursue Him even more. Though he truly seeks her, he is also striving after that part of the image she reflects so very differently than he does. The closer she is to the Lord, the more he will be drawn to her and the more he is drawn to her, the more he will pursue the Lord. With this understanding, is it any wonder that we men are so drawn to our sisters, and ultimately our wife?! It is very good!

This also speaks to the incredible influence a woman has on a man. It is an influence that must be subjected to Christ as it can be a source of blessing or cursing… I wish more women realized this. Women, married or not, it would be very wise of you to meditate on and seek the wisdom of an elder lady in Christ on this one. Also, begin praying for the Lord to help you never to sway your husband away from the Lord or His will… it will be easier than you think.

Spring Time Fun

2008-03-13T01:19:00.003-04:00

Though I know some of you are tired of waiting and tired of hearing it… trust me, the series is still coming… I hope to be able to start serious work on it in the next couple of weeks. Thanks so much for your patience :)
________

Wow, as much as I love Winter… Spring is, in truth, probably my favorite time of year. It is still cool enough to keep me from overheating, yet it is so beautiful as life begins anew and so many outdoor activities are once again possible. Without explaining the age-old analogy… what a beautiful picture of the Gospel!!!

The first truly BEAUTIFUL day of the year… it was truly perfect. Being as warm natured as I am, I am not one to just sit outside when warmer weather is present (work is one thing, but not leisure), yet today was so incredibly perfect I just couldn’t help it. I decided to go out in the main court area of the Seminary, read, and soak in the blessings of the day. I really don’t know how many hours I was out there, but it was so much fun. Of course I was blessed to see so many of my friends out there at different points as well. On top of enjoying my studies, today was truly a gift from the Lord in many ways. First, I am finally not only caught up with school work, but am in a position to have a little breathing room (very little as I have a big test and a paper first thing next week, but still). I hate being behind and love being ahead, so my spirits were already much higher. Second, the day itself was a blessing of being surrounded by unspeakable beauty and meditative comfort. I could not have designed a more perfect “relaxing / meditative” day if I had taken weeks to try to plan it. Thus, all I can do is relish in the goodness of my great God and Savior, Jesus Christ. He is so VERY good to us, may we be reminded of this at all times!!!

Days like today are most certainly an answer to prayers such as this one http://a-hawk.blogspot.com/2007/06/prayer-and-meditation.html

Beauty Revisited

2008-03-05T13:48:00.002-05:00

Hey guys, still quite under the burden of my studies and still dying to be able to finish the series. Today especially I have had a very strong desire to write out at least the next section or two (frankly, at this point I’d like to take about a month’s sabbatical so to speak and just finish the entire thing). Yet, discipline, obligation, and the privilege of my circumstances call me to my reading and to study. I did however, in a weaker moment of discipline, run across something I posted a while back. For various reasons (some of which I am not sure of and some of which would take an entire post to explain), it really resonated with me yet again today. Thus, I wish to share with you… who knows, perhaps someone else may be reflecting on some of the same things (after all, we frail beings do indeed like confirmation and affirmation ;). May you know Christ and then rest firmly in the warmth of His arms, listening to the beat of His heart!

Here’s the link:

http://a-hawk.blogspot.com/2007/05/this-is-another-one-from-my-backlog.html

In Christ,

Aaron Hawk
Prov 16.9

Scattered Words and Empty Thoughts

2008-02-26T18:09:00.006-05:00

Sorry guys, this one is a hodge-podge… there are at least 4 different posts in this one, yet I just don’t have the time to write anything substantive right now as I am truly overloaded with school work right now.

Exodus 20:20 is really where the Lord has been speaking to me, especially in terms of relationship. He is testing me in many ways in order to see if I will indeed honor Him, or grumble and trade the perishable for the imperishable; may none of us settle for the perishable… trading trinkets for treasures and filth for fulfillment!!! I am in the wilderness, being tested... may I trust only in Him and may I never grumble, for in His perfect time and way I shall indeed receive the reward, if I remain in Him!!!

Rachel has died and I mourned for her, yet Christ is able to raise to life again those who have fallen asleep. Perhaps I was drunk and it was really Leah the whole time, though even when drunk it is hard to mistake gold for dirt… then again, perhaps I am not Jacob. Perhaps also there is drunkenness on the other side and vision only in the forms of trees. There is no way to know at this point, but no matter what I shall set my face as a flint and march ever forward, directed by my loving Father!

True joy in Christ comes in knowing that Christ is working and moving in our lives, not in getting what we want (no matter how wonderful it may be or may seem), or in understanding how or why He moves in the ways He does. My joy and trust is in the Lord and my heart is His, so I can only rejoice that He is working, however incomprehensibly. It is not for the thing created to question or doubt, but to submit in all joy and with all thankfulness to an infinitely benevolent, sovereign, and good Savior who is both near and far!!! Thus, there is only joy, love, and confidence, not pain. Times like these test the measure of our faith and trust in God’s sovereign plan. He has directed my every step and He will continue to do so, thus how can I be anything but joyful and filled with all love and comfort?! Further, I am speaking my heart, not trying to give some theological treatise – to me theology is not a subject of study, it is life… we do not believe something if we do not live it. We cannot truly study something apart from life and we cannot truly live apart from study! We cannot compromise on the balance of Transcendence and Immanence!!! I have truly learned much and I am so thankful for the way the Lord has worked and allowed me to see His hand the entire time (though of course never knowing where it was going). Thus, I am overflowing in true joy in Christ and drinking in undeserved blessings!

*and yes, the title was taken from a Jeremy Camp song, though I don't know why it came to mind in particular :)

Aaron’s Cold Lessons Learned - Top Ten

2008-02-20T23:41:00.003-05:00

Yes folks, you can write it down in history… Aaron Hawk was cold tonight (probably from a combination of being extremely tired and standing outside for what seemed like forever). On top of enjoying taking pictures as I so often do, I also learned several things tonight.

Top Ten Things I Learned Tonight:

1 - I learned that my “thermostat” is not completely broken (contrary to popular opinion); I do actually feel temperature differences.

2 - I finally learned / understand the invention of the scarf (or in my case, extra bed sheet ;) and that it can be a very welcome thing, especially when held in place by a hat.

3 - I learned that condensation from breathing through a bed sheet not only makes your glasses foggy, but will actually result in water droplets forming and further blur your vision (which just makes me all the more sure I want to get rid of glasses!).

4 - I learned that gloves are quite helpful sometimes and that repeatedly taking them off to change camera settings will, in fact, make your hands extremely cold and eventually very slow moving (not to mention defeats the purpose of wearing them in the first place).

5 - I learned that people in puffy jackets (and other winter attire) won’t stay out there the whole time either and that pacing in circles only does so much where warmth is concerned.

6 - I learned / finally understand why people refuse to call my black wind-breaker thingy a “jacket” and can no longer argue that it should be considered “winter clothing.”

7 - I learned that working out too much yesterday, sitting for over 10 hours doing homework today, and then standing still in the cold for so long will indeed give you a leg cramp.

8 - I learned that entering a hot building is not always a bad thing and can actually be quite pleasurable

9 - I learned how to make instant hot chocolate. No, I am actually not joking (though it was not hard to figure out). The last time I can remember having hot chocolate was either a few months ago at Starbucks or when I was little and wasn’t the one that made it… I sincerely do not remember making any as an adult (normally I am just not much of a “hot drink” person).

10 - Best of all, I learned that gas ranges make great instant campfires!!! (since of course I don’t think the seminary would like an actual one in the middle of the courtyard ;)

Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Supplement to Part Two B – Analyzing Overanalyzing

2008-02-19T01:44:00.006-05:00

Of course the rest of the series is coming, but I am once again drowning in my studies and other things, so please continue in patience. Thanks!

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Previously in the Series:

*Preliminary: A Confession From the Heart
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part One: Intro and Background
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part Two: Tickle Me Elmo Goes Berserk!
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part Two B: Tickle Me Elmo Goes Berserk!

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Hey guys, I finished writing this post on November 19, 2007 and just haven’t felt the need / felt it was time to post it. Yet, it provides a good supplement to the second part of the “Brothers and Sisters” series. Thus, here you go!
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Analyzing Overanalyzing

As usual, I ask that you give me some time to set things up. In this post, I will be discussing abuse and healing through Christ, directly from my own life, manifested in my tendency to overanalyze. To do this, I must first give some background info before addressing the real issue… thus, this post is a little bit upside-down. Thanks ;)

Once in a while, I will be speaking to someone and they will look down at my right leg for one reason or another, shifting visual focus as we all tend to do, and they will notice a scar. They are usually very polite and wait until an appropriate moment to inquire about it. It is then that they want to hear the story of how I became scarred. It does not bother me, we all have scars and it can be an interesting “sharing of stories” to explain to each other how we did this or that, that resulted in one injury or the other. For some it is their own stupidity or craziness, while for others it is the result on another’s carelessness, or even abuse. For the scar on my leg, it was the stupidity of not listening to my mom. After Hurricane Hugo in ’89, despite warnings not to run in the rain, I was excited and hyper (those who know me are saying “go figure”), so I ran through a muddy area (in the rain), avoiding all of two or three seconds of additional time. As I ran, I tripped over a tree root and went crashing to the ground where a broken brick was waiting for my leg. After a lot of doctor visits with lots of painful scraping and shots and a lot of time, my leg began to heal. Today, there is still a noticeable scar that reminds me of the disobedience, the events, the pain, and the healing.

It is interesting the different types and levels of injury that we face, and the responses that are necessary for proper healing. For minor damage or abuse, scarring is often nonexistent or very minor and requires very little attention, such as when a friend hurts our feelings by being a little crass one time. These usually amount to nothing in the end and are so insignificant they are like paper cuts. They hurt for a moment, but then go away. For slightly more elevated damage or abuse, such as a minor betrayal, scarring occurs, but can be easily overcome through the proper means of care and healing. Thus, over time, the scar is virtually invisible. Even at this level though, if the proper means of care and healing are not pursued, the wound can remain open causing more pain and infection and, though it will eventually heal, the injury will not heal properly. For severe cases of damage or abuse, such as sustained harm or treachery, the wound is so severe and so deep, that without some type of emergency care, the person will die. This can often leave the person either temporarily or permanently debilitated in some way. Sometimes it is a certain type of pain with a specific movement, other times it is a missing limb. These types of wounds take time to heal and will only heal properly with the proper guidance and a willingness to follow directions from someone who knows what is needed. This process can be excruciatingly time-consuming, painful, and debasing, but it is necessary.

I am not trying to be cliché, but we all have scars… not physically, though that is probably true too, but emotionally and spiritually. We have all been wounded and we have all been scarred in one manner or another. Often times we try to gloss over them as if they have no impact upon us. Other times, we deal with them partially, but only enough to get by. Other times, we assume the emergency care provided is sufficient for all time and we never go back to receive and perform the physical therapy that is needed to regain full health and full function. If this is not the case, we will sometimes go to the physical therapy until we “feel” better. Upon subjectively feeling better, we discontinue the treatments that the doctor has warned us to finish, thinking that we are all of a sudden more intelligent, even though the doctor is the one that has guided us safely thus far and just happens to be the expert.

In this post, I am addressing the lattermost scenario, in my own life. The continuing symptoms are my tendency to overanalyze, especially when new relationships are being formed. Now, before I explain the history, let me make very clear that I do not agree with strains of modern psychology that say every “bad” thing in our lives is directly because of our parents. This type of thinking is designed to blame-shift so as to make a person feel better, though never really bringing healing. The fact is that things in our lives can influence us, some more strongly than others, but we still bear ultimate responsibility for how we handle and respond to those situations. So, I am not blame-shifting in this section, but simply explaining the root (influencing factor) of the problem. Also, let me be abundantly clear that though we as humans can put band aids on things with our own effort, they do nothing where true healing is concerned. True healing comes only through submission to Christ and allowing Him to bring healing where and how it is needed. Thus, Christ may use people (and often does), but He is the reason, means, and effecter of any genuine change and healing.

Some of you who know me personally may know the story with my dad, some may not. Even for those that know the story, it is unlikely that you know all of it. As I have referenced in the past, I cannot and will not go into too many details of this story because it involves people other than myself, whom I am obligated to protect. Even still, I can and will share a few things in order to be able to make sense out of my conclusion. I will say it plainly, based on scripture, my dad was / is an evil man (I pray for his salvation, but thus far, he does not know Christ). Though I cannot go into other details, I can describe in some small way how difficult and abusive my dad was when I lived with him. To put it simply, my dad was an abusive drunk. Every moment of every day was volatile. You could wake up in the morning, go to the restroom, be on your way back to your room, and the next thing you know, he is yelling, screaming, and sometimes becoming physical. Why? Good question! There was literally no telling. It could be that he just remembered something he wanted to be mad about from a month ago, it could be that the sound of the toilette woke him up and that angered him, it could be that he simply hadn’t slept well the night before and was ready to vent his anger, it could be that he had a hangover, or that he was still drunk. I could literally go on and on describing to you the “possible” scenarios. The problem is that when your dad is barreling toward you, threatening, yelling, sometimes hitting or whatever, you don’t have time to think about or sort through these things. Even more troubling, is that what may upset him one day, may be demanded the next day. As an example, you walk into the room (because you didn’t know he was there or you would have simply waited), and greet him. One minute, that may be considered disrespect, and literally the next minute, it may be considered disrespect not to. Thus, no matter what you do, you do not know from one MOMENT to the next what action will set him off and what will not. Notice the use and emphasis of the word “moment.” This is not an exaggeration. It was not week by week or day by day, but moment by moment. Moment by moment, the exact same action could produce two entirely different reactions, with any variance in between.

Beyond these, the things he would say would be the most despicable and soul-tearing that he could possibly come up with. He was a master manipulator, even priding himself on this ability to control others. Thus, not only did you not know what action would set him off, but you didn’t know how it would be twisted so as to be entirely your fault. Whatever defense you might try to put up, would only entice him to go further and hurt you deeper. Even when he was not there, there was always the fear of when he would return and what would upset him. You are constantly the one at fault and very unworthy of his love for being so bad. Even still, he loves you even though you hurt him and if you truly love and care for him you wouldn’t be acting that way. Ok, stop! Wait just a second… If you didn’t catch what I just said, reread this paragraph. Manipulation is SO subtle, yet SO powerful. Those last two sentences may seem like total nonsense to you if you have never been through something like this, but for those who have, it rings very true. The manipulation and mental reprogramming is just that quick and even more subtle. It works its way into your life and even your OWN thinking. As Hitler said, tell a lie long enough and loud enough and people will believe it. How much more when it is your own father or someone for whom you care?!

Thus, you live in sinking sand, a state of constant fear of punishment, shame, guilt, danger, and a surety of rejection no matter what you do; and this at the hands of the one that is supposed to love, care for, and nurture you unconditionally. Survival and avoiding danger become the goal of all of life. Thus, every single action, or non-action, must be carefully weighed in terms of what is least likely to cause a blow-up and what will bring about the minimum danger, given the person’s current posture (which is unknown until afterward and can’t be trusted to remain consistent anyway). Your presupposition, through experience, becomes that no matter your actions, trouble will come, thus you must try to minimize it. Learning to survive involves quick thinking, sometimes deception, and the ability to analyze all possible outcomes from a given scenario, both ahead of time and in the moment, and to choose the one that brings the least pain and destruction. Thus, over time, you become quite skilled at all three of these things, though through twisted glass.

For a while after these things I did not let anyone “inside” emotionally. I was very cold and untrusting. Eventually, I allowed a select few in, and so on and so on. It was only because of the Spirit of Christ that I was not completely hardened and shut-off during these times. Through much time, reading, prayer, and help from my mother, I eventually became a fairly open and trusting person. This did not come quickly or easily though. It took years of prayer and hard work, learning to trust and to forgive. Eventually, through the emotional healing and the mental transformation wrought by Christ, I was no longer noticeably scarred and even came to be able to help others through similar circumstances.

Both during and after these things, Christ was with me, helping me, and healing me. I thank God every time I think back on these things that I was saved by His grace beforehand. Even still, they were very difficult, especially from the perspective of someone who was so young and trying to honor and love his earthly father. Thanks be to Christ that my Heavenly Father is truly in charge! Yes, you heard (read) me correctly, God brought these things into my life and I am thankful for them. Don’t get me wrong, I would not wish them on anyone, but I thank God for them because I would not be who I am today without them. What men meant for evil, God meant for good. He has so much more glory through this story than he would have had I simply had an easy life. I am thankful because He brought me through these things and has not left me alone, but has been with me the whole way. Further, He didn’t just leave me, but has used these things to help forge me into His image even more. He has helped me to learn from these things. For example, my drive for total honesty, authenticity, and sincerity are not merely factors of my personality, though they are in part, but they come from a deep-rooted desire to avoid deception and manipulation, having seen their end result and the destruction that follows. Further, Christ has used these events to enable me to help others that have gone through, or are going through, similar circumstances. I could write countless more reasons and meditations, but hopefully you get the point. Thus, through His eyes, I can say that I am thankful that Christ has worked so wonderfully in my life!

Well, this sounds like a typical testimony where the person has been through some bad stuff and though Christ, this sounds like a complete story, right? Wrong! Though this has been my understanding for many years now, this is only part of the story. You see, though I have been healed of the trauma, there is still a scar there. Though most of the time is seems as if I am completely healed and have worked through all of the issues related to these circumstances, the truth is that there is still scar tissue. For anyone with any sort of medical knowledge, you know that scars form anywhere trauma has occurred. However, scar tissue, the result of the body’s self-preservation, can sometimes bring its own complications. Thus, even after a complete healing, there may be remnant reminders of the trauma.

Ok, with this understanding, where does that leave me? Hang on and let me explain :). Another thing that anyone who knows me knows, is that I am generally, and try to be, fairly introspective. I believe it is the duty of all Christians to continually seek Christ’s healing in every aspect of their lives. Through Christ, this brings renewing of the mind and redemption of past memories and events. It is only when we see these things through the lens of Christ, that genuine healing can take place, as described in the section above, leading to a healthy self in Christ. However, this means continually observing the self (yourself, who you truly are now), through the lens of Christ (who you have been declared to be), watching actions, attitudes, motives, and reasoning. This means that we are not simply healed one time and can then assume that all is well. No, we must continue in vigilance, watching for trouble-causing scar tissue! Thus, when we read, pray, or meditate, we are not doing so only on the words of scripture within themselves, but allowing these things to penetrate us at the deepest level, being laid naked, open, and bare before Him, ultimately allowing Christ to reveal to us the areas where He still has work to do, to make us more like Him. This is what it means to let the scriptures become a mirror. Again, anyone who knows me knows that this is my heart’s desire, though they also clearly know that I have not achieved this.

Unfortunately, we are often blind to our own shortcomings. Even things that others can clearly see, we often cannot. Sometimes I believe this is the grace of God, for we would truly be overwhelmed were we to even see a portion of the work that needs to be done. Sometimes is a coping mechanism, if you will, where we choose to ignore certain things so that we can accept the whole. However, other times, I believe it is laziness, not wanting to do the work associated with growing in and through Christ. Still other times, blindness comes through assumptions. We assume an area is “ok” or “all clear / good enough.” Finally, and even more often, it is a combination of some of these. My friends, let it not be so! Every aspect of who we are has been touched by sin, thus only Christ can reveal truth and declare anything “all clear.” This declaration will not be completed until we are with Him at the end of days, thus, we must remain watchful and vigilant.

With these things as background, one aspect of my personality that has driven me nuts, as well as those around me sometimes, is my tendency to overanalyze. Now, to some degree this tendency is part and parcel with the type of intellect the Lord has given me. It is, and has always been, part of my nature to analyze and think about things. This is not inherently bad. However, there is an extension of this that is very bad. I have been aware of it for years and have spent much time meditating and praying over it, seeking an answer as to the cause and thus the deepest redemption of this aspect in Christ. At times I have felt so close to an answer and deliverance, while at others feeling like giving up on it. Even without understanding things completely, Christ has been working in my life. Believe it or not, this tendency within me has decreased dramatically over the years, but, even still, has not been truly corrected. In recent history, I am only aware of my overanalyzing “showing up” in two different, but related, circumstances. Below I will try to reason through both circumstances.

The first and the worst, is in developing new relationships. In general I consider myself to be a fairly trusting and open person. I give everyone a certain level of trust and really have no problem talking with anyone about almost anything (except where wisdom dictates that I not); writing deeply personal thoughts like this and posting them on a blog is evidence enough. Thus, by all appearances, it would seem that I am completely well in terms of the things mentioned above. Yet, in these situations, it is a non-personal openness and trust. I am not honestly concerned with what a person thinks of me in these general terms. There is no necessary intimacy, thus if there is a misunderstanding or if the person thinks negatively, it really doesn’t bother me at all. Their opinion is that of one with whom I have no relationship and, therefore, doesn’t matter in the grand scheme. However, when there is a new relationship being formed, I have tended to overanalyze things at first in order to try to ensure that they have not changed and that I am being upfront with them. You see, now that there is some level of necessary intimacy, their opinion matters very much (of course, bearing in mind that Christ’s is the only one that matters in the ultimate sense). But, therein is the “in” and “out” label that I didn’t think existed anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I knew some people were closer to me than others, but I didn’t realize that such a large distinction existed within my internal labeling of others. There is a sense in which making sure people are “on the same page” is good, but we must make sure that our motives are truly for understanding and clarification, not an unhealthy result of trust issues. This subtle difference can truly make all the difference and due to the fact that we tend to do these things at an unconscious or automated level, it can be exceedingly difficult to discern and seem a nonsensical distinction (Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall – 1 Cor 10:12).

For me, the overanalyzing often turns into extended periods of questioning every angle of a given issue in order to ensure that both the other person and I have the same picture in mind. This becomes maddening for me as there are so many possible meanings to so many different things and I end up in this sort of mental lock, feeling trapped within reason and logic, despite my effort to avoid that. Further, I know it is exceedingly frustrating for the other person, which simply adds to my own frustration because now in seeking to avoid conflict and confusion, I have created it and frustrated the one with whom I was seeking to avoid frustration. Yet it seems clarification is needed to correct the confusion, and even still, any effort to correct may be considered even more frustrating and may in fact lead to more confusion. Thus, the problem creates the problem and feeds upon itself. At this point, North no longer exists; all sense of an ability to communicate effectively dissipates.

For the past few years, I have considered this an annoying, but necessary part of getting to know someone. It has usually only lasted a very short time, upon first really getting to know the person. Once I feel confident that there is a level of trust in intention (note the word intention, not speech), the overanalyzing goes away completely until the second circumstance listed below. The second circumstance is much shorter in duration and much less intense. It occurs either after an extended period of discord with, or absence from someone that I care about. It is a sort of “realigning” or a “maintenance check” to see that we are still on the same page.

Ok, now to really get to the heart of this post. I have realized for a while my tendency to overanalyze, yet have been unable to find its cause. The problem is that I assumed everything in the “dad” category was taken care of, because so much of it has been. I realized that it was potentially possible that there were remnants of scarring, but, in truth, I wasn’t meditating on the present circumstances (overanalyzing) in light of the scarring to see if there was a “match.” This has proven to be a grave mistake.

Last night (November 18) was a major breakthrough. Once again, I find myself thankful for an insightful mother, who will be honest with me. I was discussing the overanalyzing thing with her and, though I cannot now remember her exact words, she said very plainly that it was probably due to having to be that way with dad. Upon receiving this and meditating on it, I realized that she was, once again, correct. As I discussed above, with dad nothing was trustworthy. Thus, in order to survive, I always had to read between the lines analyzing every potentiality, trying desperately to avoid “bad.” With someone who is acting with evil intentions and not being honest, this is a very good thing to do and will keep you out of a lot of trouble. The problem is that with someone who is being honest and sincere, it serves only to divide and drive everyone crazy. Just like in the medical field, sometimes a “cure” given to someone who is not “sick” actually causes sickness, and even death. So too in interpersonal relationships, especially in the beginning, this causes much trouble and even separation.

Thus, for me, overanalyzing is nothing short of selfishness and a skewed view of the other person, caused by neglecting the existence of scar tissue. It is not personal against the other person, as in they have done anything in particular, but rather an initial / default skepticism for anyone with whom I am growing close. As such, it is sinful. We are not to expect others to come close to us before drawing close to them. This goes so contrary to the idea of transparency and love, that I am baffled at finding it within myself, as these are two things I strive for continually. I know that I shouldn’t be surprised as I recognize that I am evil and wicked apart from Christ, yet somehow we are all surprised when we find sin in our lives. In this, I am reminded once again that we are so INSANELY self-deceived and that we will never stop finding major sin areas in our lives until we are in heaven with Christ. I mean, forget individual sins, we’re talking entire areas, entire regions of blind spots. If you don’t believe in total depravity, please explain this one to me! How can you strive for something with all that you are and find yourself attaining to a very small degree, yet going in the opposite direction at the same time? As soon as we feel we have conquered something, we have just proven ourselves false. With greater maturity comes greater insight. With greater insight, the greater our sin becomes. The greater our sin becomes, the more in need of Christ we are. This is both beautiful and frustrating. It forces us away from ourselves and leaves us with no option aside from Christ!

In terms of my tendency to overanalyze… over the years, some people have handled this quite graciously and lovingly. I am so thankful for those that have as this was not something I truly had the ability to sort through until now. Other people have not and I honestly can’t say that I blame them. To both I must say that I am sincerely sorry and hereby ask your forgiveness. The mark of genuine repentance is change and it is my sincere desire to prove myself genuinely repentant before Christ for this sin. Historically, the Lord has worked quickly in my life upon revealing sin, so I pray that I will respond just as quickly. Thus, I ask for grace where I am bound to mess up and prayer so that I may succeed.

Two final thoughts. The first, is that we are all wounded and scarred. If we say that we are not, we are deceived. If we see a brother or sister fall, we ought to help them, but we are also supposed to look inward, to make sure that we do not fall in the same manner. We are all wounded warriors and wounded healers. Thus, I urge you to introspection before Christ, for it is people such as us (the foolish among fools) that He calls to His work!

The second closing thought, is that we ought to be joyful when sin is revealed. I am so immensely thankful to Christ for revealing this to me. First, because it will help me avoid hurting others (wounded beget wounded, wounds cause wounds). Second, because it is direct evidence of the working of Christ in my life. I am His child and He is actively working in my life to bring me closer to Him. Though correction may hurt for a moment, it is a sweet kind of pain that ensures sanctification before and an ever-deepening relationship with Christ. I am overflowing in His Spirit, with tears of joy streaming down my face even as I type this for being counted worthy to be corrected though I deserve to be left in my sin… it is an amazing thing!!! May the Lord continue to break, purge, and purify my heart, drawing me ever-closer to Him!

... to Christ alone, for where else would I go… all too often I am Oholibah!

___________UPDATE

Ok, to provide an update. As you can see above, I actually wrote this a while back (today is February 18, 2008 and the date above was November 18, 2007 – ha, I promise that was not intentional… kinda funny actually). Though I have noticed one or two times where I have overanalyzed since I wrote the above things, I do have to stand in agreement with what I said about the Lord working quickly in my life. Aside from the minor things I just referenced, I have noticed a completely different outlook, entirely different. There have been two major ways that Christ has helped me in defeating this. First, in turning it over to Him, admitting my sin and standing in my brokenness, He has changed my perspective (renewing of the mind and heart). Thus, for the most part only specific triggers remained. These will take longer to work out and though I believe the Lord has worked mightily in my life in this area, I would not be naive enough to say that they are gone. Thus, I recognized that the triggers still exist. Yet, the second way that Christ has helped me to defeat this (again renewing of the mind), is that the Spirit has prompted me when one of the triggers occurs and in recognizing it as such, I was able to immediately step back and turn it over to Him. Thus, as time moves on, I am confident that in Christ, this will disappear and it will be time to work on the next major area (if I’m not already in the midst of it by then).

___________PROMISED CLARIFICATION ON “JUGGLING”

Ok, I promised to give a more detailed description of the juggling itself. I am not sure how to seamlessly integrate this in the above post without much restructuring, so I am simply adding it to the end.

Now to tie this directly to the previous post. In many ways it may be obvious by now why I have tended to overanalyze in the past, yet I have not explained the three realms. Though I won’t go into any real detail, I will at least introduce them in order to help you better understand my meaning. Also, I will speak to these specifically in terms of working toward a dating relationship as that fits the context moving from the mole mentioned in the first section to the subject of overanalyzing in the second. Thus, the minimal background is that I have never dated in my life until very recently. Though many reasons could be cited, the bottom line is that I was not where I needed to be with the Lord and I knew it. Thus, how can I possibly date and lead someone if I am not following in the way that I ought?! There were different seasons with different reasons for each, but they were all about not being where I needed to be with the Lord and again, I knew it. Yet, even knowing this, I knew that I was to marry, that I was created to marry. Thus, even though I knew I was not yet to date, I spent time trying to prepare myself and meditating on things related to dating and ultimately marriage. Before moving on, I must confess that there were two points in the past that I grew tired of waiting and despite knowing I was not ready, asked someone out. In both of those cases, the Lord proved himself to be in control and didn’t allow even the first date. I am so thankful to God for protecting those sisters from my weakness, as even then, I knew it wasn’t right… it was a lack of faith and the classic human sin of thinking I knew more than God. To bring things into perspective and up-to-date; I am finally ready, and I know it. This past October (’07) the Lord brought revival to my life after a period of disobedience. It was such a great time and I am still basking in the renewing action of the Spirit and so much of the past study is now bearing fruit in the renewed soil of my life. God is SO good and His Spirit testifies continually! Ok, testimony over, let us once again review the “ancient past.”

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Now, to quickly recap, here’s an excerpt from the previous post:

As I admitted to you in the previous post, I used to be a “mole.” In everyday life, I am quite bold, especially where the Gospel is concerned (and to my shame… sometimes it spills over into arrogance). My primary gifting is the gift of prophecy (and no, I am not going to chase that rabbit right now), thus, I have zero trouble taking a stand or being bold. Yet, until about a year ago, when it came to relationship with girls, I was the polar opposite. I have always had female friends, and that was “safe” so I really didn’t have any trouble there. Yet, when it came to the thought of dating, I was a mole. I have driven myself nuts (or at least more so :) over the years trying to figure out why this was such a big deal to me. There were three primary things that I would look at, in isolation, and try to see if “that” could be the cause. Thus, in the “back of my mind” (or whatever term you prefer for that), these three things would be swirling around. Unable to pin one of them down, I would “pick up” one of the “balls” I was juggling, look at it, and say, “yeah, I can see where this might have something to do with it, but it doesn’t completely explain it. I would then place that one back in “the mix” and pick up the next one. I would repeat this over and over, but never arrive at a conclusion since none of them individually explained the issue. The problem with this method is that my problem was the combination or amalgamation of three different, but related things (this will be explained much more in-depth in a future post entitled “Analyzing Overanalyzing”). Bottom line, juggling is where we take one thing from a complex structure and try to see if that “one” explains the whole. This is logically impossible as one isolated thing can never explain a complex structure. The truth can sometimes be (and often is) revealed when “all three” are seen together. It is when we see all of the issues and the “shape” they collectively make, that we can clearly match it up to the problem. This is sort of like taking a shard from a key and trying to open a door instead of taking the collective whole and then being able to unlock the door. Unfortunately, there is only confusion until we can see how they interact. Thus, I fear for some of my sisters and pray for their healing (as well as my own).
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The first realm that I recognized as a contributing factor was simply the untrusting and skeptical mentality that develops in abusive situations. It is natural (humanly speaking) to become this way and even resort to anger and total distrust. Thus, when I would look at this in isolation, I would say something like “yes, I see where this might have something to do with it, yet, I am trusting and open in general, so that doesn’t make sense, that doesn’t explain it. Why would this be any different? Well, the simple answer is that it is different because it is a different kind of trust and relationship.

The second realm was that of self-evaluation. In most ways I had to fight arrogance and though I hope I am still winning the battle, I am ever-mindful that it is a struggle if I don’t watch it. Yet, when it came to relationship, I had zero real confidence and I couldn’t figure out why. I felt of basically zero value and / or worth and entirely unattractive. I could honestly and with a straight face tell you I didn’t know why any girl would be interested in me. But, I couldn’t figure out why that was the case when in every other area I was completely confident (and again, sometimes overconfident). Then I would look back at the situation with my dad as well as other things in my past and realize that dad was constantly putting me down. I lost count of how often he would say very hurtful things such as you are fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, selfish, and I could truly go on and on and on. Also, due to other issues, many of them would come from others. Frankly, living in those circumstances, you don’t really care about certain things such as homework or watching your health. Thus, in those circumstances, it becomes self-fulfilling prophecy wherein I was actually fat and I had bad grades and so on and certainly very few people wanted to be around me. Thus, when the evidence seems to support consistent claims from someone who is supposed to protect and be honest with you, you believe it at the deepest level. It took me a long time to overcome these consistently repeated evaluative judgments from my own father, but over time, thought Christ, I did. Yet, because relationship is something infinitely more personal than regular friendships, the healing also had to be at the deepest level. It turns out that those things were still in the back of my mind, though unknown to me. Again, I would recognize that these things could have played a part, yet, I had previously “checked them off” as being “done” or “dealt with.” Thus ignoring them in the present and not truly being healed of both the wound and the scar.

The third realm was simply inexperience. As I have said several times, I simply had never dated and thought that perhaps I was just nervous or something. Well, once again, there is something to this, yet given how bold I am in general, that just didn’t seem to explain more than a potentially “fluttering stomach.” It certainly didn’t explain why there would be such a huge block where relationship was concerned. Yet, once again, this was a contributing factor.

Well, hopefully it is easy to see how none of these could single-handedly explain my problem and why there seemed to be evidence that they could not be. Again, the problem with my evaluation of things was that I was taking each one in isolation. None of the three seemed to be able to explain it, especially when the counterpoint was given. Yet, when (thanks to my mom) I finally looked at them as a collective whole, the picture came into focus. I wasn’t able to pin any of them because I was juggling them and not seeing how the three fit together to form the amalgam. Once the hardened shape was seen, I was able to prayerfully allow Christ to bring healing in my life and redeem these aspects of my life. What a wondrous thing and what a marvelous Savoir. It is truly amazing (beyond words or comprehension) why Christ would save me, but even more than that, why He would care so much as to help me in this life too!!!

Well, hopefully this section will at least help you better understand what I meant by juggling and how it is played out in a real life. Perhaps even more than this, Christ can use yet another testimony to help someone who is struggling. If anyone wishes to talk or just needs an ear or shoulder, I am here and willing to help as Christ will allow me, just email me (you can find my email on the main profile page, or leave a comment). Finally, believe me no credit is deserved on my part. These things have not been a matter of my strength or insightfulness, but instead, it is all of, by, and for Christ… SOLI DEO GLORIA!!!

A Prelude

2008-01-30T16:16:00.000-05:00

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A light once shown shines brightly still… in wisdom shrouded moved I on, yet not in truth for myself I hid!

Though I hid myself I am hid in Him and the light once shone shines brighter still, warming my heart in sweetness true... so let wisdom abound bringing fullness of joy!

-Ps 103.14
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Though I usually use my own… kudos to Angela Wilcox for the picture, it was perfect!

ps – yes, the next part of the series is coming, but a new semester has also begun… kinda wish I had just waited to post any of it until it was finished, but honestly never thought I would write so much. Thus, sorry to any that are wondering ;)

I Have Two Boxes – Another Riddle

2008-01-24T09:31:00.001-05:00

I have two boxes and they are empty, yet they are not.
I have two boxes that are out in the open, yet conceal much.
I have two boxes beautifully adorned, yet disparagers in my midst.
I have two boxes that taunt me, yet I can only wait.

Oh to rid myself of these and yet there is only one.
Oh to open my own box, yet for now it is sealed.

Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part Two B: Tickle Me Elmo Goes Berserk!

2008-01-07T14:50:00.000-05:00

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Well, I must apologize once again for taking so long between the parts of this series. The last month has proven to be a very trying one for me in every way, thus my concentration has not been what it ought to be. Hopefully the delay will prove itself worth the wait as it is much better (in my opinion) both in organization and content than what I would have posted last time. Thus, I have once again had to sub-divide this particular part due to the length. This part will be broken into three sections. Thus, the first was posted last time, this section is the second, and the third will deal with the reciprocation between the male and female actions and reactions. I hope that the third will be posted with MUCH less delay than this one, yet I must simply ask for your patience at this point. I will write each part whenever I can and post as soon as I am (at least somewhat) comfortable with it. As always, I ask that you to continue to pray for me as I sincerely desire to honor Christ in my thoughts, my life, and my writings!

Also, you may (or may not) notice a difference in my “speech” in this post. Well, I guess it always depends on my mood / mindset when I actually sit down to type, but it is also because I think I am dealing with much more sensitive issues this time and I want to make sure that my writing reflects that. Beyond that, I am speaking more to women than men in this one and believe that a little more tenderness is needed.

Oh, and one more “housekeeping” item: Though the interaction has not been what I would desire, I have had several requests for clarification or expansion. I will be including my response to those requests, as well as any that come from this one, at the end of the next post.

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Previously in the Series:

*Preliminary: A Confession From the Heart
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part One: Intro and Background
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part Two: Tickle Me Elmo Goes Berserk!

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Female Reactions and Related Problems

Ok, thus far, I’ve been pretty rough on the guys. However, there are two sides to this coin. With the above, the ladies generally react in one of four ways (two of which are related). The first I will only address by saying that they figure out how to be healthy, sanctified, and righteous in the midst of the insanity. How they do it, I could describe to some degree, and will address it indirectly in part 6, but really the bottom line is that Christ is their center, their focus. They derive their worth from Him and trust in Him and His plan and are confident in Him. The other reactions are to hide, to shut down, and to become prideful. These will be addressed below. Please, once again, bear in mind that I am not a girl. These are simply my observations and insights gained through conversation and life with my sisters. Also bear in mind that these three are not necessarily connected or a progression. Often, they will show up together, yet often they will not.

--Hiding (External Withdrawal)

The first way some ladies react is to externally withdraw, to hide, as it were. External withdrawal is primarily prior to the beginning of a relationship (avoidance would be the more accurate term) and can show up in numerous ways. In this section I will address the most obvious, yet ask you to bear in mind that it can be much more subtle than this. Due to the seemingly constant barrage, some simply avoid guys and sometimes refuse to date any. They often stick with only girl friends and stay away from common areas (including hiding in the dorms). I mean, experience has taught them that to show any kindness will almost inevitably bring unwanted weirdness and insanity into their lives. Further, they don’t want to be rude, but in order to be in a common area, they feel compelled to be civil, which means the possibility of unwanted attention. Much of the time, to my understanding, it is not the fact of the attention… it is that it can be overwhelming from even one guy, much less what seems like every guy that you meet. From there, by nature of the frequency, male interest seems less and less sincere as time passes. It is special when a guy or two demonstrate interest, but it can seem completely insincere from a number of guys. So, despite desiring a relationship (in many cases, not all – there’s another one for the guys to get), they are so overwhelmed that they don’t really know what do to. I guess it would be like working at a job that you love, but the boss asking you to do a week’s worth of full-time work in a 6 hour shift (can’t think of a better analogy… suggestions girls?). Thus, they are sort of stuck. They want to remain healthy, but don’t feel like they can in these circumstances. Thus, it is easier to “focus on God and trust Him for the timing” (I will address this later). I can’t say that I blame them, but hiding just further compounds the problems (on both sides). The girls become less comfortable with the guys, who are now seeing the field as that much more narrow. Not to mention that without a “breather” some girls will continue to feel like they are drowning… thus, seemingly never be “ready.” Again, I can’t really say that I blame them. I mean, as a martial artist, even within the context of “friendly sparring” two on one can be a little intimidating, especially if they are bold fighters. To bring it back to the situation at hand, with a two-to-one ratio in any context, especially one so “confused” as what is described above, it would be very hard not to want to simply remove yourself or avoid the “fight” altogether. Thus, for some girls, avoiding guys (externally withdrawing) seems the best way to handle things.

There are a few words I can say to these ladies. First, I am praying for you (no, seriously I am, if you are on this campus or if I know you, I am praying for you). Second, I can understand this reaction in part, but not truly. Third, I encourage you to really draw near to and stay close to Christ. Please understand that I don’t mean this harshly, but you were called to this institution, and you responded. Thus, this is where you are supposed to be. Every place of service and everywhere you find yourself is going to have its unique challenges. In this case, you comprise a 1/3 minority (with my made-up statistics). Until the number of single males and females balances out, you are going to have to face the “constant barrage.” Hiding may seem the best answer, but please recognize what you are doing to yourself. You are isolating yourself and hardening your heart (which leads to bitterness, among other things). It is easier than you think to become so hardened that no one will want to date you even when you are ready. There is an “air” that develops and says “back off” to everyone. If this happens, you will have set yourself up for a lot more trouble later on. A while back I wrote a note that I think applies here. It simply said “it’s hard to hug a porcupine.” (Facebook readers can look it up, for blog readers I posted it three before this one). This is precisely what I was talking about. In the process of putting up walls of protection, you block the very potential of someone being able to come alongside you. Further, becoming hardened is not honoring to Christ and if you do desire to find someone, you may be hiding when he is looking. I mean, yes Christ is in control (you would truly be hard-pressed to find someone who believes more in God’s sovereignty than I do), but that does not deny human responsibility. It is not faith and it is not wisdom to “sit back” under the pretense of “trusting in the Lord.” We are to trust in the Lord and His timing, but this does not mean that we are idle. Instead, we are to be actively involved, listening to the Lord’s direction (as best we can, for all too often our emotions block our discernment). Once again, we have the pendulum. On one end are those that are trying to “make things happen” by their own effort and force, ignoring the Lord altogether. On the other end are those that simply sit under the shade tree, complaining that God is not moving.

In the end, you may not want to date and that is between you and the Lord, but don’t become upset with men that are trying to fulfill what God has placed within their heart, misdirected as it may or may not be. They have no way to know “where you are” until it is too late… it is not their fault, it is simply the result of being human. Yours is a much different type of sanctification, but a very important one. Finally, please realize that, “hiding” is not the same as “resting.” In this section, I am not speaking of “seasons” where it may be wise not to date. Instead, I am speaking in terms of a continuum, where a young lady has decided to withdraw for illegitimate reasons. There may be legitimate seasons for not dating or being available, but they should be infrequent and almost never iron-clad. So, the bottom line from my perspective is that hiding is never the right response… understandable as it may be. Though I could certainly keep typing, I feel very unworthy to speak on this, so I would GREATLY appreciate some female input in this part especially from those that have “figured it out.”

Oh, and one final encouragement for this section… please try to take interest as a compliment. Instead of resenting it or feeling like you are drowning, try (note that word, “try”) to look at it as the blessings of God, confirming your worth in Him. Now, the worth I am speaking of is not worth in the eyes of the guys (though that can be good), but instead, in the eyes of Christ – big distinction there. The simple truth is that guys with the right motives will be seeking a woman of God. Thus, all things being equal, if you are such a woman, it should bless you to know that your relationship with the Lord is so evident that the guys can’t help but want to be around you. Oh, and one more thought, I want to remind you that I am not trying to address the philosophy (or methods) of dating. I suppose at some point in this series I will have to address it a little, but remember that is not my purpose.

--Shutting Down (Internal Withdrawal)

The second reaction I wish to address is shutting down, or internal withdrawal. Internal withdrawal is where, for a number of reasons, a lady will withdraw emotionally (often without realizing it). With internal withdrawal, a lady will go through the motions of relationship, yet the emotions have been “locked up” for purposes of protection. She literally “shuts down” the emotional realm. Unfortunately, it seems to me that these young ladies lock down all emotion, thinking themselves to be “using wisdom” and then can’t figure out why they never feel like a guy might be “the one.” The bottom line is that they are not allowing themselves to feel anything. Thus, the only thing they have left is the mental, which is overloaded, not the primary way they were created, and is never singularly sufficient for making wise choices (for anyone). Beyond that, women were created to be internal and emotional, more so than men. Thus, if ladies deny the emotional, they deny a huge part of how they were created and set themselves up for trouble.

One quick side-bar before moving on to the meat of this section: There can be any number of reasons for this reaction. I will address three in a few moments, yet I think the “guarding my heart” mentality is also worthy of mentioning. To quickly address this one, we ought to guard our hearts, we have a responsibility to, but that does not mean that we close off all (or nearly all) emotion. Emotions are a gift from God and reflect something about Him. Thus, they are good. It is when emotions are unchecked by reason that they are bad (and reason unchecked by emotion is equally bad). This is what it means to guard your heart, among other things in life. Whatever the case, internal withdrawal is usually based on mistrust and / or fear and usually occurs during the beginning, or formative part of relationship, though it may show up later if trust is violated. The sad thing is that it often kills a relationship before it has much of a chance to begin. This is a growth point for the ladies (even though it is often due to damaged emotions and / or genuine fear).

Ok, before I get ahead of myself and lose all literary structure to this post, let me say that there are three primary realms I wish to address that cause otherwise healthy young ladies to internally withdraw. I use the term realm because it is not a simple matter of cause and effect. Instead, it is quite often a complex combination of these realms which she is trying to juggle and can’t figure out. Further, this “juggling act” is usually somewhat unknown to the lady herself. Before I continue, let me explain what I mean by juggling. I think the best way to explain is to use myself as an example, so please bear with me once again as I try to set this up. As I admitted to you in the previous post, I used to be a “mole.” In everyday life, I am quite bold, especially where the Gospel is concerned (and to my shame… sometimes it spills over into arrogance). My primary gifting is the gift of prophecy (and no, I am not going to chase that rabbit right now), thus, I have zero trouble taking a stand or being bold. Yet, until about a year ago, when it came to relationship with girls, I was the polar opposite. I have always had female friends, and that was “safe” so I really didn’t have any trouble there. Yet, when it came to the thought of dating, I was a mole. I have driven myself nuts (or at least more so :) over the years trying to figure out why this was such a big deal to me. There were three primary things that I would look at, in isolation, and try to see if “that” could be the cause. Thus, in the “back of my mind” (or whatever term you prefer for that), these three things would be swirling around. Unable to pin one of them down, I would “pick up” one of the “balls” I was juggling, look at it, and say, “yeah, I can see where this might have something to do with it, but it doesn’t completely explain it. I would then place that one back in “the mix” and pick up the next one. I would repeat this over and over, but never arrive at a conclusion since none of them individually explained the issue. The problem with this method is that my problem was the combination or amalgamation of three different, but related things (this will be explained much more in-depth in a future post entitled “Analyzing Overanalyzing”). Bottom line, juggling is where we take one thing from a complex structure and try to see if that “one” explains the whole. This is logically impossible as one isolated thing can never explain a complex structure. The truth can sometimes be (and often is) revealed when “all three” are seen together. It is when we see all of the issues and the “shape” they collectively make, that we can clearly match it up to the problem. This is sort of like taking a shard from a key and trying to open a door instead of taking the collective whole and then being able to unlock the door. Unfortunately, there is only confusion until we can see how they interact. Thus, I fear for some of my sisters and pray for their healing (as well as my own).

Ok, finally to move on to the three realms, which are: being overwhelmed, having misconceptions of love, and unresolved insecurities (obviously more realms and reasons exist, such as abuse, stress, etc, but again, this is getting long). The first realm is being overwhelmed. I have heard ladies explain this concept a number of ways and still must admit that I don’t completely understand. The bottom line, again, is that women and men are created differently. Generally, men are given boldness so that they can lead while women are geared differently and look to protection first (which is part of the reason men are often more “sure” of the relationship). The best way I can think to explain this is that allowing someone “in” involves vulnerability, which is the very thing girls are often trying to avoid (and we all do to one degree or another). Thus, ladies have to fight somewhat against their nature to let someone in. This is also why guys are sometimes repelled quite quickly even after they are in. Something clicks within her, the panic button, and she forces him out in order to preserve safety (sometimes against all logic and Godly leadership / wisdom – we all have idols and often it is ourselves). I remember countless conversations with one very dear friend of mine who was interested in a guy. He approached her, very boldly, and expressed his interest. I, behind the scenes, knew she was interested in him as well. Even though she was thoroughly impressed with him and definitely interested, she would call me or email me saying she just wanted to run the other way. Herein we also have the classic situation where guys are so frustrated because girls say they want honesty and transparency, yet, when it is given, they “freak out.” Girls want honesty and transparency, yet the very thought that “this may be the one” is so overwhelming and scary, that it makes her want to bail out and run the other way. Thus, she would call me, among other friends, for a “reality check” from time to time. During these conversations, she would be noticeably distraught and a little frantic. Thankfully, she is also mature and rational, as a rule, and she made herself stick with it. Today, they are doing quite well, and I have no doubt that the Lord has put them together. Yet, even now, she still panics once in a while. My point with this is to help both the guys and the girls to gain a little insight into how difficult this can be for the other side. For the girls, to realize that this is fairly normal, yet it must be worked through, in Christ. You must let someone in if you ever hope to be in a successful relationship. I realize that this is very easy to say and quite another thing to actually live out… yet, you must. Thus, I would encourage you to draw near to Christ, gather some faithful counselors, and talk to some older women that you trust (Titus 2, among others). If you are in a relationship, make sure you have solid reasons for ending it before panicking and throwing away something potentially very good (again, bearing in mind our tendency toward self-deception). Bottom line, some confusion and a “lack of peace” do NOT equal God telling you it is not His will (and neither does a lack of anything). Also, realize that to a guy, it seems a contradiction to request honesty and then run the other way. You made a request, he honored it, and if you do this, he is being punished (in terms of his perspective). Guys just can’t grasp this. To the guys, I dare not say that I have this figured out, so I encourage you to simply love your sisters in Christ. Love them and look to their benefit above your own. This means putting their feelings and desires above your own and protecting them even above yourself… this is true love and Godly leadership! Also, it really helps to “study the other side.” In the end, if this happens, you must love her anyway and just pray for the Lord to heal her heart. As to the honesty and transparency… I wish I knew the answer to that one. They do truly want it, yet in doses. This will vary from girl to girl and situation to situation and some can handle more than others. Girls, once again, I ask for input!

The second realm is misconceptions about love. I will not address this in-depth here as it actually belongs more in the next part of the series (part 3). For now, I will simply say that the idea of romantic love, as opposed to Biblical love, tears people apart and ruins many good relationships (existing and potential). The bottom line, Biblical love grows over time and involves getting to know someone. It may involve the “butterflies” or whatever, but is not primarily composed of these things. Emotions are fleeting and fickle, love is enduring. I mean, I get “butterflies” on a rollercoaster, but that doesn’t mean I’m in love with it (and yes, I am being sarcastic). Further, there is a big difference between love and infatuation and it seems infatuation is what so many actually seek. Further, genuine love is accepting the faults of the other person, not being blind to or denying them. In fact, the deepest and purest love is a matter of deep knowledge of (and thus comfort with) the other person, which will lead to excitement IF it is allowed the time to grow (Gen 2:25 among others). As usual, we seem to have our paradigm backwards.

The third realm is unresolved insecurities (or more accurately, evaluative judgments not yet grounded in Christ). This is the most tragic realm of all to me. We all carry insecurities and feelings of being unworthy. However, I think this is an area of struggle that girls are much more prone to than guys (and at a deeper level). Guys generally find their worth or identity more in the external, in what they can do (quantitative). Girls generally find their worth or identity in who they are and how they look, in the internal (qualitative). Thus, sometimes when a girl is with a great guy, she feels very unworthy of him, as if she can’t measure up. To make it worse, she doesn’t know what his expectations are, so she doesn’t even know how high the mark is (again, enter overwhelming). Thus, she is always wondering and thinking something like, “when will he figure it out and get rid of me?” (oh, and btw girls, some guys struggle with this too). Thus, sometimes, she will make the assumption for him and withdraw in order to protect herself from being too attached when “the inevitable” happens. My sisters, this breaks my heart!!! To make it worse, some immature guys act in ways that reinforce this type of thinking, especially in terms of conditional interest / love. Anyway, the point is that much of the time girls don’t seem to realize how incredible they truly are. She assumes she is not worthy of a particular guy, could never possibly be the helper he needs, and shuts down in order to “protect” them both (and yes, I realize I am being repetitive, at least this time). The tragedy in this literally brings me to tears. First, that one of my sisters does not see her true value in Christ. Each of you are uniquely gifted and created in the Lord. Your value is not decided by yourself or by men, but by the one who created you… you are a beloved child of God! Second, it is the nature of Godly men to “lift up” women (read the book of Ruth). Thus, if he values you, then he has made his choice. Provided he has a decent level of maturity, it is not that he is settling, he is choosing. Thus, he chooses you, with all of your blessings and faults. This means that he is unconditionally choosing to discover who you are in Christ. Part of what it is to be a man of God is to be able to lead, help, and protect the women in our lives… especially / ultimately our wives. A while back I was speaking with a female friend of mine about this very thing, we learned a lot from each other. She was warning me about insecurities and I think my response summarizes my heart (what I am trying to communicate) quite well. Speaking in terms of my as yet hypothetical future wife, I said, “I understand that she will have past hurts and be in need of healing, but that is part of the beauty of how God has created us. As a man, I get to help her heal… I look forward to that!” Now, I don’t know exactly how many guys feel this way, but I do know that they exist (so be encouraged ladies). The problem is that “he” will never be able to help “her” if she won’t let him in! May the Lord grant us all wisdom, patience, love, and understanding (and smack us over the head with a 2x4 when we need it)!

---A Few Closing Thoughts on the Three Realms

So often when we are trying to figure things out, especially things as personal as relationship, we tend to either shut down emotions or rely on them entirely. Neither option is Biblical… shutting down emotions is not the same as dealing with them. Though the end result may be that you are not upset, it is not faith, it is not maturity, and it is not Christ-honoring (just like refusing to speak to someone is not the way to handle being upset with them). It is an act of escape, not an act of sanctification, much less is it allowing Christ to rule and reign in our lives. When our emotions are so heavily involved, (whether we realize it or not) our perception is greatly altered (for example, the flowers to the right may be pretty, but they are not real). This is further compounded by stress and other things. Thus, sometimes in these circumstances when we attempt to seek the Lord’s will, we are asking but not truly listening; and then confusion results, due to our internal struggle. Further, love is not all about the mental and yet it is not all about the emotional. If we don’t allow any emotion, we will never “feel in love” (much less actually give someone a chance). Now, if you combine these three things at any level (overwhelmed, misconceptions of love, and insecurities), you have one confused individual. Add to this the pressure and “fast pace” of much of the seminary dating and it is not so hard to see why some ladies tend to shut down and withdraw internally. Marriage should be the ultimate goal for those called to it, but we must be careful not to think too much of it too quickly and thus skip over the beginning steps. This particular person may or may not be “it.” But, forcing someone to fit into a marriage paradigm too early will crush ANY relationship, no matter what potential is there.

The thing that is so sad to me is that often we all shut out the very one that might be able and willing to help. I wrote a note a while back for one of my sisters addressing this very thing (though I didn’t tell her it was for her). It is entitled, “The Frail Rose.” The most frustrating thing for a man who desires to help, is the realization that she has shut him out emotionally. No matter how true what he says may be, he realizes that she will never hear a word he says until her heart is softened. He further realizes that any attempt on his part to help will only result in her pushing him farther away, as she will never trust his motives in this state. The even more saddening realization is that she may never allow him back in and it may have had nothing to do with him (directly), but is due to pain, fear, pride, and sin (or some combination thereof). She is unintentionally denying the good that God is trying to bring into her life (as we all tend to do so often).

One final (and admittedly strong) exhortation to my sisters in this section: You are surrounded by Godly men and you will not always have such godly men around you, much less so many. I am not saying you should settle (you certainly should not if your reasoning is truly Biblical), but withdrawing because you are overwhelmed is not healthy. This drives a wedge between you and the guy, which causes emotional distance, which ends in a downward spiral. Thus, go figure, you no longer feel like there is a future for the two of you. You then conclude that you were right to withdraw. Yet if these are the reasons, you probably weren’t. What you have basically done is rejected the good that God has tried to bring into your life, and then blamed the distance on the good, not the reaction. You have done it to yourself. Thus, you continue in this pattern, frustrating yourself and others around you… all the while wondering when is God going to bring someone into your life. He just tried and you rejected him! Now that I probably have every lady reading this upset with me, let me qualify... I am not saying that every single instance where you feel it is “not right” falls into this category. However, I am saying to check your motives, the problem is where withdrawing is the result of a complex of the three realms mentioned above (or others) instead of the genuine leading of the Lord. As always, I would remind you of our human tendency toward self-deception… we can “make” anything legitimate if we want to and so often we stop our ears to the Lord when we are confused (so let us search our hearts).

I am including this next paragraph as more of a reflection than necessarily part of the series, thus the difference in language and direction. I find myself overburdened sometimes in talking with and praying for my sisters in this area. Most women were not created to be alone (likewise with men). Yet, so many are alone and they have to fulfill the role of both the man and the woman, something for which they were not created. Thus, they may appear very strong, yet they admit that their strength is only “as strong as glass.” They hate it so very much, yet they have no option. Thus, especially in times of confusion, they need a strong leader to listen to them and then say ok, here’s what is going on, here’s what we need to do, and then take them by the hand and say let’s do it together, I am here for you and with you. Yet, there is no one to do that (at least right now). The fact that some of my sisters are in this position truly breaks my heart; I am literally in tears as I am typing this! It breaks my heart because I see so many of my sisters, whom I love very much in the Lord caught in these types of situations. I see (at least to some degree) what needs to be done, what needs to happen, where the growth points are, where they need to be healed, and yet, I am a man under authority and it is not always my place to help beyond a certain point. It feels like watching someone drowning in the water, seeing the life raft, having the ability to throw it in, yet not being able to because it is not my place, I do not have the right or authority to help them. Thus, I listen, encourage, sometimes exhort, and mostly pray for them, all the while not having the liberty to truly help them. To those ladies that I have spoken with, please don’t misunderstand this section. You are not a burden to me, I love being there for you as much as I am allowed to be and nothing thrills my heart more that talking with you, praying for you, and helping however I can to bear your burdens… it is my joy, my privilege, and my heart! You truly have no idea how much I love and care for you in Christ! My point is that I constantly have to fight the temptation to step in where I have no authority. You see, that authority belongs to your future husband. There is a bonding that takes place when a man “takes a woman by the hand” and leads her and only a foolish man would violate this. Now understand that I am not saying that I / we can’t help at all, but there is a level of intimacy and leadership that must not be violated (this is why when I am counseling, I only help so far). Thus, I long for the day when I can finally use the giftings the Lord has blessed me with, take my future beloved by the hand, and go to the throne of Christ for healing! Finally, to all of the ladies, be encouraged that there are Godly men around (among whom I would love to be counted, yet dare not count myself) who are ready, willing, and able to help, lead, and love you!

--Pride

I have much to say on this one as I have seen it all too often, yet I want to season my speech with grace and love. So far in this part, I have discussed things that are quite troublesome and need to be corrected, yet are at least somewhat understandable as they are the result of a need for healing. Thus, in the above sections I took more time to try to explain the “whys” so that there might be more understanding. Though pride can come from a need for healing, it is a much more serious issue. Thus, in this section, I will continue to try to exhort, yet you will notice a difference in its treatment.

Ok, for this one I will go back to the supply and demand analogy. When supplies are limited and demand is high, two things happen. The first is that people go crazy (tickle me Elmo goes berserk), which we’ve already discussed. The second is that the price goes up. With so many Godly young men asking a girl out, or at least demonstrating interest, it is easy for pride to enter the picture. At this point, I must say that this observation is not directly from me. Though I recognized it in part, I had no idea how deep and wide-spread it is. One dear sister in Christ and I have spoken about these things on a number of occasions and she kept telling me “it’s pride Aaron, just pride.” I really didn’t understand for a long time. We are (or at least I am) so conditioned to think of men struggling with pride that we sometimes forget ladies fall to it as well. Also, since it is a human condition, women fall to it just as deeply… though maybe not in the same ways. I have discussed and observed three basic types of pride in the women here, which will be discussed below. Of course, I am not saying that all of the women here are necessarily prideful in all or any of the following ways… once again, speaking in terms of the grand scheme and the big picture of possibilities.

Ok the first form of pride is the “pearl necklace.” As this sister has explained to me, and several others, some girls pride themselves in the number of guys that they have interested in them. They will get together, or even in general conversation, brag about how they have this guy and that guy after them and they just can’t make up their mind who they want and so on and so on. This is the most offensive form of pride. Be sure to note that there is a BIG difference between sincerely not being sure, and becoming prideful about the decision. Also, it is only ok to be “making up your mind” for a short period of time, assuming more than one guy approached you at about the same time. It is an entirely different thing after you are in a relationship or after a period of time. Anyway, the exact quote (from my female friend) is that they “wear them like a string of pearls,” showing all of the other girls, and even the guys, how “worthy” they are. Thus, they “string along” a number of guys refusing to settle for anyone but the best, inciting competition and all manner of ungodliness (sometimes even holding out because there is probably yet another “better” one). They continue doing so, feeding their self-worth, engorging themselves in attention and pride.

I have to be very, very careful in the way that I address this one because to be quite honest, it really makes me upset (and thus, I must remind myself of my own pride). There is SO much wrong with this one, but I will address this very briefly as I don’t want to speak too harshly. First, this is the antithesis of Christian love and reveals a very carnal mind. This type of girl is using other people for her own gratification. This is not self-sacrifice, this is self-aggrandizement… and is a direct affront to God. It is bad enough to be prideful within yourself, it is another to use and hurt others to feed yourself. Second, she is proving herself unworthy in that she obviously sees him not as a brother in Christ, but as a toy, an object put on this earth to please her. The fact that she would play with her brother’s emotions and heart in this manner proves her to be the most contemptuous of women, having no regard for his wellbeing before Christ, but only her fleeting pleasure. Third, she is flaunting supposed “success” before her sisters, stirring up envy and jealousy (especially among those that already feel unworthy or don’t seem to have anyone interested in them). This too is deeply disturbing and proves her worthy of no one, not even the least of all in that she has no honor and no respect for anyone above herself. So, now, she is hurting and upsetting both her brothers and her sisters.

The second form of pride is the idea of “holding out” because there’s bound to be someone better. This will be addressed much more in the next part (part 3), though from a slightly different angle than the scope of this particular post. Nevertheless, this is where a lady, no matter how good the guy, refuses to settle for anything less than perfection. Now, if you ask her, she would say she doesn’t expect perfection, yet the moment she sees anything “wrong” with him, she moves on to the next guy. This is the most foolish of all the forms of pride (if it were actually possible to rank them). I’m just going to say this plainly… she needs to grow up. To use the cliché, there has only been one perfect man and He’s engaged and returning for the church! One last repetitive thought on this one… if you are here at the seminary and you are a single lady, you will never again be surrounded by so many Godly young men (and I would say the inverse to the men… you will never again be surrounded by so many Godly young women). Again, I will be addressing this much more in-depth in the next part, so forgive the short nature if its treatment.

The third form has already been addressed indirectly, but is worth mentioning. It is the idea that everyone is interested. This is probably the most subtle (and thus common) form of pride because, quite frankly, the ladies are in short supply and are therefore in high demand. Yet it is sinful to assume that every guy that is around you or that smiles at you is “after” you. As hard as it is, you must do as one of my other sisters has told me she does. She does not assume anything until he explicitly tells her. Thus, even though her “spidey senses” may be going off, she checks herself the best she can, and just acknowledges him as a brother in Christ. Beyond this, work on general and genuine humility. You must find the balance between seeing yourself as valuable and seeing yourself too highly. The best way to do this is to pray that God would help you see / perceive through His eyes. Thus, you will see who you really are in Him, yet be reminded (and humbled) by seeing yourself as you are outside of Him. Where pride is involved, other things naturally result, the least of which is, thinking too much of yourself, ignoring guys, and treating them poorly simply because they are guys. This is damaging to both yourself and your brothers and most importantly, it is not honoring to Christ.

--A Few Closing Thoughts

Now before closing, let me be clear; there is nothing more sinful in the female responses than the male response, or the other way around. Again, we all have our own particular weaknesses and some of them fall on gender lines. Thus, I hope that you will realize that I am not trying to be any more harsh on one side or the other (and I hope that I am, in fact, not being).

Also, there are many, many brothers and sisters on this campus that do NOT fall into the “bad” things that I have described thus far. There are many very Godly young men and women on this campus that truly “get it.” I would love to publicly praise them all, but I could never remember all of their names and wouldn’t want to leave anyone out. I guess the best example I can think of (though there are many) is one time a while back when a single young lady walked into the laundry room in Fuller Hall where a few guys (including myself) were sitting there talking (about what else :). We quickly changed to some random subject and she, knowing one of the guys, walked over and joined the conversation for about a half-hour. It is sad that I was surprised, but it sticks in my memory quite well because she was “just a sister” and wasn’t acting weird or making up her mind to come back later. No, she knew the one guy, heard a conversation, introduced herself to us, and had a good conversation with some brothers in Christ. She may or may not remember this as that is simply who she is, but it was encouraging. May God continue to lead, guide, and heal His children!!!

A Continued Moment of Sobriety

2008-01-05T22:42:00.000-05:00

Don't fear, the next post in the series is coming very very soon (probably Monday :)

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Hey guys, this is just a continuation of my previous post “A Moment of Sobriety.” Please take the time to read that one as I don’t want to waste time repeating myself… I am just overly burdened at realizing my sin, especially when realizing the depth of my sin. As I mentioned in that note, I have recently realized a critical attitude and form of arrogance that I have not had to fight in a while. By nature of saying that, I also admit my faults in not fighting it in the way that I ought to… once again, I have fallen into complacency and dropped my guard. I spoke on this in the last note and definitely stand by what I wrote. Yet I have come to realize that the problem is larger and deeper than I thought, even when I wrote the last note. This is not who I have grown to be in Christ, yet I have allowed myself to slip back into my old, sinful ways.

I had a group of friends over this afternoon and dearly enjoyed the fellowship. Yet, I caught myself several times making comments (subtle or otherwise) that I should not have and putting others down, instead of building them up (as I have a few other times lately). It would be easy to label this “fine tuning” in terms of sanctification, and perhaps it is somewhat; yet it is deeper than that, and much more vile. The truth is that others may or may not have noticed as they were the type of comments that normally accompany our sinful natures and that we all fall into if we don’t watch things carefully (even still, there is no excuse!). Often we preface them with, well, this person is great… except (or with some other similar qualifier). The idea is that if we “show” that we love the person first, we then have the freedom to “honestly point out” their faults. In accountability directly to this person, or in ministerial conversations (pastoral concern), etc, where the goal is to reason through things so as to help the person, I think this is fine. Yet, all too often we (I) use these premises as an excuse for “sanctified gossip / slander.” In this note I am not accusing anyone other than myself of making such comments. To those in attendance, I am very sorry for not guarding my tongue and not being the man that God has created me to be. Also, I want to apologize to any that have been around me during this season… I am deeply grieved for being a reproach on the name of Christ and for slandering any of my brothers and sisters. Again, I ask for accountability… if you hear me doing this, please call me out. Despite my sinfulness, I love each of you very much (all my friends, not just those here tonight) and am torn to pieces at the thought of offending you directly or indirectly.

Upon realizing the depth of this sin, I have “pulled out” a few older meditations. They are not profound or new, but they are true.

Bottom line, how can I judge anyone? I can declare based on the authority of scripture that something is wrong, but it is not my place to judge any person’s motives or heart… I am not the measuring stick. If on a hypothetical “holiness” scale of 1 to infinity (where Christ’s holiness is infinite), let’s assume that I am a 1.5 (and this is admittedly a nonsensical argument as there is no such thing as holiness apart from Christ, especially where I am concerned) and let’s assume that I genuinely see someone else (true perception) who is a 1.25… it is still wrong to look down on them… for what is that compared to the infinite! More importantly, by even entering into this thought, I prove myself “less” than they are. We are not comparing ourselves to others, but to Christ. Beyond this, since when is our sinful perception actually correct?! Chances are, if we perceive ourselves at a 1.5, we are quite a bit lower than that. Further, if we perceive someone else at 1.25, chances are they are higher. I mean, we make such snap judgments with such partial knowledge that we cannot possibly be correct. Use this example… take one frame from a film that is two hours long. Most 35 mm film travels at a speed of 24 frames per second. Thus, if we run the numbers, the overall averages are 24 frames per second, 1440 frames per minute, 86,400 frames per hour, and 172,800 frames in a 2 hour movie!!! Even if I take 10% of those frames, I am only “seeing” 17,280 frames and missing 155,520. That is NOT enough to “see” who that person is. Thus, not only are we condemned by our own system (if we try to use this one), but the entire paradigm is wrong as Christ is the measure… thus, there is none righteous! Second, it is a matter of rights. God is the only one with perfect perception, thus He is able to judge righteously. To judge someone (again intents, not actions clearly expressed in scripture) is to assume perfect knowledge (again, using the film illustration above) and since that is something which belongs only to God, it is blasphemy! Third, the very nature of love is to build up, not to tear down. It is the antithesis of love to speak negatively, especially to put down. This is nothing short of evil!

Thus, once again, I desperately ask forgiveness and sincerely hope that I am catching this early enough that my sin has gone unnoticed (humanly speaking), yet am not naive enough to think it so. I say this not because I want to hide my sin (otherwise I would not post this), but because once again, I am hoping that I have not hurt or offended any that I love. My offense is ultimately against God and was not and cannot be hidden. Thus, I would rather fall into the merciful and righteous hands of Christ for my own sin, than to offend one of His children and add sin upon sin (2 Sam 24 among others).

The Frail Rose

2007-12-28T14:38:00.000-05:00

Originally posted 7:44am Sunday, Apr 15 on Facebook

Hey guys, I am posting this because I make reference to it in the next part of the series (which should be posted very soon) and it seems that I have found several old posts that I never transferred to blogger :)

PS - For once, the first three pics are not mine...
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Roses have thorns for protection, yet sometimes they prick the gardener, who is the very one sent to care for the rose. It is true that there are many laborers in a garden, yet the true gardeners are very wise in their dealings. A wise gardener considers how to care for the rose so as not to damage it, which is the primary goal, yet not be pricked when he handles it. Sometimes his wisdom may be mistaken as weakness, yet it is not. Instead, it is a reservoir of strength, applied when and how it is appropriate. A general laborer tromping through a garden may seem strong to the rose, yet he is also the most dangerous.

It is interesting and sad that so often, it seems, these frail roses regard the apparent strength of a foolish laborer, yet ignore the hidden strength of a wise gardener!

A poorly skilled person must boast in his abilities. His strength is constantly displayed, boasting of something greater than what is! A skilled person has no need to speak. Only in necessity is his strength revealed!

May the frail rose not perish for its thorns, but trust the gardener and receive healing, strength, and protection!

May I be a wise gardener in my dealings with others; emulating Christ, who is The Wise Gardener!

Proverbs 18:14 The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?

Isaiah 42:3 A bruised reed He will not break And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue, Guards his soul from troubles.

Proverbs 15:2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, But the mouth of fools spouts folly.

Proverbs 2:2-5 Make your ear attentive to wisdom, Incline your heart to understanding; For if you cry for discernment, Lift your voice for understanding; If you seek her as silver And search for her as for hidden treasures; Then you will discern the fear of the LORD And discover the knowledge of God.

Porcupines

2007-12-27T18:16:00.000-05:00

A Stolen Stereo and the Real Thief in the Night

2007-12-24T19:57:00.001-05:00

Well, after a long and stressful semester, a J-term with even more coming up, and an assortment of personal burdens, which we all carry… I am kinda worn out. My mom is here for Christmas and it is truly a blessing to be able to see her and spend time with her once again. Anyway, since we both talk so much, we have not gotten much rest since she has been here and I was really looking forward to sleeping in this morning and just having a restful day. At around 8:00 this morning, the phone rang and one of my friends informed me that he noticed my car had been broken into. Unfortunately, he was right. Early this morning someone busted out my passenger-side window, took a crowbar or something to my dash and stole my stereo, the control unit for the heat / Air, and my cd’s (which are actually dummy copies… joke’s on him). Whoever did this was quite thorough as they went through the entire rest of the car searching for anything of value (boy did they pick the wrong car :) and even left the light on for me. Two hours after I was informed, the police reports were filed and I was able to go about my day.

As I have discussed so many times in the past, there is a lesson to be learned in any and every event of life. Over and over in the scriptures we are told to seek wisdom and that we do well to gain it and that if we ask, it will be granted. This thought hit me a long time ago: the wisest man that has ever lived took instruction from a wall (Prov 24:30-34), an inanimate object, something devoid of reason. If he can learn from a wall, wise has he was, I can certainly learn from people and situations. Thus, I must ask myself what is to be gained by this? What lesson can I learn? What is actually going on here?

Well, let me say right away that I am not intelligent or mature enough to claim to know exactly what is going on or how God is ultimately glorified in a broke student having his car broken into and things stolen. However, if we ask, God will not withhold a measure of wisdom and understanding (James 1:5). Though this only happened a few hours ago, there are a number of lessons the Lord is already teaching me through this situation, several of which are things that we all know, but we must be continually reminded of, lest we fall into complacency.

Well, the very first thing that came to my mind was that somehow, this brings glory and honor to Christ. Though I may not be able to see how, I know that it does. Also, the simple fact is that God was not surprised by this. He is not up in heaven going, “oh, poor Aaron, I wish I had seen this coming.” No, NOT AT ALL!!! Thus, since God is in total and absolute control, He decreed that this happen for one reason or another. Since that is the case, this is good for me and comes directly from my loving father, though at the hands of evil powers and men. The second thing that came to my mind is that this is all God’s stuff anyway. If He wants it back, who am I to argue? I have nothing and I am nothing, I am entirely His. Therefore, ALL is grace upon grace.

Next, my thoughts turned to the individual (or individuals) that did this. As soon as I got back in, my mom was already praying for them, as was I. I began to think how sad it was that someone would feel that they have to resort to this type of thing. Unfortunately, it is far too common this time of year. Whoever this was probably “needed” the money and in desperation, felt they had no other choice (or they are habitually this way). There are a number of lessons even within this thought. The first is a reminder to myself to watch my life and guard my soul against all sin. The saddest thing about this situation to me is the self-deception involved. This guy is self-deceived, as we all are in our sin. He probably thinks that he got away with it and that no one will ever know. Yet this could not be further from the truth. God is watching and knows exactly who did this, where they are, and, forget the ID card, even the number of hairs on their head! Thus, they may never face legal punishment in this life (and probably won’t), but that does not mean that they will not reap what they sow. Their recompense will return upon their own head in this life and (apart from Christ) in the judgment to come. Further, this sin was not against me, but against God, thus their punishment will be severe. This is like in the movies where some cute little critter is standing in place, waving all happy at the camera and the audience can see an enormous tidal wave getting ready to crash down upon the unsuspecting little guy. My heart breaks for this person!!!

The next lesson is just another reminder of the effects of sin. This earth was created good and then sin entered. Since that time, the world is “tooth and claw,” full of all sorts of “unnatural” violence. This is demonstrated in a number of ways in this situation. The most obvious one to me is that herein you have the poor feeding upon the poor (societally speaking, for in truth, as an American, I am quite rich). Also, directly related to this, is that this individual came under the cover of darkness, as a thief who took, with extreme violence, thoroughly searching the car for anything of value. I went to bed last night anticipating the day, assuming that things would remain as they have been. I planned to sleep in, to wake up at some point, and to enjoy the day. I assumed that my car would be ok and that I would not have an enormous hole in the middle of my dash that may well be irreparable. I was wrong and caught quite off-guard. In a moment’s time, all of these plans changed, violence had come about. I am sure you can see where I am going with this, nevertheless, let me explain. In the same way, men will be marrying and giving in marriage, going about their normal routines following their own assumed plans and Christ will break in like a thief in the night (misc including Matt 24). That day will come upon us so suddenly that it will be upon us before we even realize it has come and it will overtake us in a moment. He will also come with extreme violence, the likes of which this world has never seen. In the final judgment, He will thoroughly search out those that are His, separating the wheat from the chaff, the sheep from the goats, utterly destroying all that oppose Him… with the full measure of God’s wrath. Herein is also the true meaning of Christmas. God invaded the earth in the person of Christ. He came “under the radar” so to speak (despite announcing it). His Kingdom rose, grew, and continues to grow right in the midst of this evil world. Christ did not come to bring peace, but the sword. One day, while the earth is sleeping, this same Jesus will come suddenly, ultimately leading to a final violent threshing of all evil. Christmas is not just about the cute baby Jesus that we love to sing about… no, Christmas is also Normandy, D-day, in which the first of the final assault began (also the “already-not-yet" of our theology). The coming of Christ is the realized hope of the saved and the sure end of the lost (the stone of stumbling and the rock of offense - Rom 9:33).

Herein is also the doctrine of total depravity. That someone would do things such as these is proof enough. This event was not random or unplanned from the perspective of the individual. It was premeditated, deliberate, and carried out with violence. Every aspect of our lives have been touched and marred by sin including our thought processes, hearts, wills, and so on. Yet, God demonstrates His grace in that we are not as wicked as we could be. This person was not destroying property just for the sake of destroying it. No, this individual had a purpose (an evil one), but did not act out of that purpose. He did not key my car, slash my tires, plant C-4 (that I know of), throw hand grenades at it, or send an F-14 after it. Further, he did not injure anyone or do anything else beyond his original evil intent. Thus, God’s grace abounds in preventing us all from being as wicked as we could be (and in that, I rejoice).

After dealing with these things this morning, I went to have my morning devotional time. My normal method for reading is to systematically loop through the Old Testament in the mornings and the New Testament in the evenings, piece by piece. This morning happened to be the first morning of another loop through the Old Testament. Thus, my reading coincides with the recent revival in my own spiritual life. I am starting over again, there is a new beginning, a Genesis. Inherent in any new beginning is that Satan wants to destroy what God has decreed that He will build. Inherent in this, is God’s promise of help through the One who is to come, and who is already at work in my life (Ps 127:1). Thus, Satan is going to try to do anything he can to try to defeat me, get me down, or get me off focus. It is therefore no real surprise that so many burdens exist in my life right now and that something like this has happened on top of them… it should not surprise us! Folks, I know you know it, but Satan HATES Christ’s children!!! He wants nothing more than to ruin our lives and the Name we bear. We do a pretty good job of messing up on our own, but let us never forget that we are in a spiritual war, with real spiritual enemies. One of my favorite sayings is that “the devil is on a leash and God is pulling his chain!” If we understand these things, the devil is actually kinda funny (at least in a pitiful sort of way). I say it is kinda funny because Satan is actually dumb enough to think that something this trivial, in light of the grand scheme, is going to get us down and prevent the Lord’s work in our lives! My friends, if we keep our eyes where they ought to be, we can truly laugh at his failed attempts!!! On the other hand, let us never forget how serious this war is. Unfortunately, all too often, our foolishness is greater than his… we do not keep our focus and what should be laughable becomes lamentable.

In the end, I would ask that you pray for this individual (or these individuals). You never know how God will use something like this in the other person’s life. Perhaps the individual will use the money to buy Christmas gifts for his children or “other.” Apart from a seared conscience, this will serve as a testimony of guilt and conviction to the individual. I could think of a number of other possibilities of how this could be used, but the point is, we never know how God will use things. I would truly rejoice if somehow God used this to bring someone unto himself. If God wills, I look forward to laughing at Satan and his tactics, with this thief in heaven (for I too was a thief, a murderer, an adulterer, etc (1 Cor 6:9-11). Certainly last, but please also pray for me that I can continue to laugh instead of lament (in all of life). Pray that I would remain strong in the Lord and not be deceived, for I realize all too well that am not above becoming angry, or embittered, or losing focus. I am a frail human being and I know it. Finally, please pray that the Lord would continue to be SO good to me!!! --1 Cor 10:12, Heb 3

Hey guys, just a quick update… the Lord is good, I was at least able to find replacement controls for the ac / heat. Of course the cage that the controls are supposed to attach to is not there… so now I am picturing myself on some hypothetical future date with an as yet unknown lady where the controls fall on the floor and hit her foot and I have to say, “I am so sorry that happened… if you will hand the controls to me, I’ll turn the heat back on” :) Yeah, my car is officially “ghetto-fabulous.”

A Moment of Sobriety

2007-12-22T10:02:00.000-05:00

Don't fear, the next post in the series is coming soon
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Anyone who knows me also knows that I spend a lot of time meditating and reflecting on all sorts of things, including who and where I am in relation to the Lord. I do this mostly because of the way Christ has created and wired me, thus I cannot take much credit. Yet it is also because of my past and the clear realization that we are all self-deceived. I believe that much of the maturation process is a matter of self-reflection before Christ. This is precisely why I am always talking about transparency, honesty, and vulnerability. This is also why Kierkegaard resonates with me (though I don’t agree with everything he says).

Anyway, I am writing after yet another instance where I have discovered self-deception. Take heed, watch therefore, be on the alert, take diligent heed, watch yourself, watch the gates, watch out, watch is mentioned 58 times in the updated NASB,… these are just a few examples in the scriptures of where we are told to be vigilant and watch over our souls. Over and over and over, the scriptures command us (yes, command) that we be watchful. We are to watch ourselves in every aspect at every level of who we are. Thus, we are to watch our life, our doctrine, our growth, our attitudes, our perceptions, our thought processes, the very intents of our hearts, and the list could go on. This takes much discipline and deliberate effort, just as a business cannot operate well if the steward is not keeping track of everything. One little thing neglected, and it can affect all of the others. My mind goes to the story (or secular parable), “For want of a nail the kingdom was lost.” This type of careful watch can be quite overwhelming sometimes and it seems so many never undertake the endeavor. Even with the fact that I am naturally wired to do this (thanks be to God), I must admit that I am all too often lulled into a state of complacency and coasting. Cruise control has no place in the life of a believer, yet too often I fall asleep at the wheel.

The Lord has been very good to me lately (as always), bringing me so near to him after a long time of disobedience and self-will. There are a number of things that I know I must watch on a regular basis. Due to my sinful nature and sinful propensities for using God’s gifts for my own glory, I tend to think too much of myself, when, if I understood the truth, I would be so crushed by my own sin, I wouldn’t be able to lift my head (Luke 18:9-14). A few years back the Lord dealt with me in a pretty major way where it concerns this sin, and I am so thankful to the many that allowed Him to use them. Yet, God does not zap us into perfection. He may work in a way that deals with a sin very powerfully and a major adjustment may be made. Yet, if we are not careful and watchful, it will return very, very slowly and overtake us in a moment (just as I look out one moment and it is night, yet the next it is morning). The way to bring down a castle is not to attack its strength, head-on. But instead, to attack its foundations, slowly undermining its walls or to sneak in through some unguarded way. In the martial arts, the way to defeat an opponent is not to go straight in at his strength, but to find his weakness and exploit it. If we intend to avoid falling in a major way, we MUST watch the little things (catch the little foxes).

In several ways here lately I have noticed a critical attitude, an arrogant moment here or there, a slight shift in perception. It is a scary thing to me as I know self-deception. By nature of realizing that the problem has returned, I must assume it is once again deeper than I realize. A lone soldier may once in a while walk up to a castle, but rarely. Usually, it is a scout, sending word to the ranks hidden beyond the tree line that they should either attack, or hold yet a little while. So, with this realization, I must not only kill the scout, but I must also find the encamped army and with the Spirit, slay them all with my eye showing them no pity.

Ok, so why am I sharing this? Well, for three reasons. First, and most importantly to me, is to seek forgiveness for any that I have offended. I have asked this many times in my life and I know that I will ask many more times. Yet, it is just as sincere now as it has ever been (and I pray that it always will be). Simply put, I have been so overwhelmed and overloaded in the last few months that I simply have not been myself (in Christ). Also, I hope that I am catching this early enough that it has not become noticeable or offensive to any aside from myself, but don’t want to take any chances. I take friendship very seriously and love my friends more deeply than I could ever express. I know that I do not always demonstrate the depth of my love because, quite frankly, I don’t know how to. Encouragement is usually appreciated, but it seems many times deep love is misunderstood (even if in Christ). We don’t know what to do with it, or if we can even trust it when it is given. We want others close, yet not too close. For example, I might give an encouragement to a sister or brother and tear up, only to realize it has been misunderstood. Thus, for ourselves and for others, we restrain ourselves… or at least I try. This is truly sad and surely the affects of sin. Anyway, I am getting into another post at this point. I say these things because I want to illustrate that I am not merely bothered when a friend is offended, but deeply grieved. It is hard enough when I have to stand for the Gospel, which I am more than willing to do. But it can feel unbearable when it is my own sin that causes trouble. The second reason is to thank those that are in my life, acting as watchmen on the wall of my castle. Though I can try to patrol my own walls, I need my watchmen to be on the alert, telling me when I have dropped my guard. Thus, I sincerely thank those that have warned me and beg for continued, brutal honesty. We are in a war folks, when it comes to our defenses there is no room or time for flattery, only the blast of a trumpet. We are not islands… we need each other!!! The third reason is to urge anyone who reads this to watchfulness. I share my heart in the hopes that Christ will, through His Spirit, remind you of the need for vigilance so that it may be well with you. Thus, I could try to write and encourage and exhort you, but I think instead, I will leave you with a few scriptures as there is no greater authority and, thus, no better teacher.

Let the Word of the Lord pierce our hearts!!!
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Deuteronomy 6:10-12 10 "Then it shall come about when the LORD your God brings you into the land which He swore to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you, great and splendid cities which you did not build, 11 and houses full of all good things which you did not fill, and hewn cisterns which you did not dig, vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant, and you shall eat and be satisfied, 12 then watch yourself, lest you forget the LORD who brought you from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. – NASB Updated

Deuteronomy 8:1-20 Deuteronomy 8:1 "All the commandments that I am commanding you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the LORD swore to give to your forefathers. 2 "And you shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. 3 "And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD. 4 "Your clothing did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. 5 "Thus you are to know in your heart that the LORD your God was disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son. 6 "Therefore, you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. 7 "For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills; 8 a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey; 9 a land where you shall eat food without scarcity, in which you shall not lack anything; a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. 10 "When you have eaten and are satisfied, you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you. 11 "Beware lest you forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments and His ordinances and His statutes which I am commanding you today; 12 lest, when you have eaten and are satisfied, and have built good houses and lived in them, 13 and when your herds and your flocks multiply, and your silver and gold multiply, and all that you have multiplies, 14 then your heart becomes proud, and you forget the LORD your God who brought you out from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. 15 "He led you through the great and terrible wilderness, with its fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty ground where there was no water; He brought water for you out of the rock of flint. 16 "In the wilderness He fed you manna which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end. 17 "Otherwise, you may say in your heart, 'My power and the strength of my hand made me this wealth.' 18 "But you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day. 19 "And it shall come about if you ever forget the LORD your God, and go after other gods and serve them and worship them, I testify against you today that you shall surely perish. 20 "Like the nations that the LORD makes to perish before you, so you shall perish; because you would not listen to the voice of the LORD your God. – NASB Updated

Proverbs 4:25-27 25 Let your eyes look directly ahead And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. 26 Watch the path of your feet And all your ways will be established. 27 Do not turn to the right nor to the left; Turn your foot from evil. – NASB Updated

Luke 11:34-36 34 "The eye is the lamp of your body; when your eye is clear, your whole body also is full of light; but when it is bad, your body also is full of darkness. 35 "Then watch out that the light in you is not darkness. 36 "If therefore your whole body is full of light, with no dark part in it, it will be wholly illumined, as when the lamp illumines you with its rays." – NASB Updated

1 Timothy 4:16 16 Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you. – NASB Updated

Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part Two: Tickle Me Elmo Goes Berserk!

2007-12-10T01:29:00.000-05:00

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Well, I must sincerely apologize for taking so long in getting the rest of the series underway (hopefully I haven’t lost your interest with such a delay… but then again, if I had, you wouldn’t be reading this :). The end of the semester was quite busy and I have had lots of other “loose ends” to tie up. This next week will be a j-term… so sort of squished in-between right now. I was finally able to work out an organizational scheme that I am (somewhat) comfortable with. As of now, there will be a total of seven “parts,” the last of which is a requested topic. This particular post (part 2) is THE section that has given me the most trouble in trying to organize (and finally get typed) and is also a large chunk of the series. With that said, I am breaking Part 2 into two different posts so that it less overwhelming to the reader. So, the first half of Part 2, will address an overview of the particular issues and the male approaches. The second half will address the female reactions and a section on the reciprocation between the two sex’s actions and reactions. Please continue to pray for me as I seek to honor Christ in my thoughts and writings.

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Previously in the Series:

*Preliminary: A Confession From the Heart
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part One: Intro and Background
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Overview of the Issues

Ok, on to the issues… I would guess that the majority of the single men and women on campus are in their mid to late 20’s and marriage minded. Most are not satisfied being “a single person,” yet they are trying to trust in Christ and be content until they are able to meet someone. Sounds good right? I mean, you have young people, they are marriage minded, and they are trying to be content in Christ until then. So what’s the problem? Well, the simple answer is sin… but let’s take it a little further than that (otherwise this would be a very short post, and we can’t have that :). The most glaring issue is that, in terms of the Seminary, there are WAY more men than ladies. I don’t know the ratios or the specific numbers, but I don’t think that anyone could walk around the campus and believe there to be anywhere near an equal balance (again, in terms of the Seminary). This is an unnatural situation, an unnatural balance, a bubble in the middle of society.

The bottom line is that there are a lot of guys and relatively few ladies. I hate to put it in these terms, but it is simply a matter of supply and demand. There are too many guys after too few girls. This is a fact and should not be overlooked. Now, there is question as to whether or not a guy or girl should look at the seminary as the only (or even primary) place to look for someone. I think that it should not be the only place, but that will be addressed more in part four of this series. Also, the greater issue is that of sanctification in how we treat each other, aside from the question of dating and marriage. For now, let’s just say that though it is not the only place, it is the most “natural” place, since we are already here, and are somewhat like-minded. So, for the sake of argument, let’s say that within the confines of the seminary 2/3 of the single student population is male, leaving 1/3 of the single population female (why not arbitrary numbers, 98% of all statistics are made up anyway :). That means that 1/3 of the population has zero chance of finding a mate (b/c we do indeed believe in one man, one woman, for life). Well… if I were in that 2/3 population (hey look, I am), I’d be feeling pretty nervous about my chances, at least statistically.

Even beyond these simple statistics, there are other factors that further narrow “the field.” As Christians, we are to marry other Christians. As Christians who are called into ministry, it is a matter of wisdom to seek someone who is also called into ministry (this is probably the reason some tend to think only within the walls of the seminary). Other factors such as level of maturity, missions vs. stateside, and so on make the “playing field” even smaller. These are not absolutes, but should not be overlooked. Also, for Christians, marriage is for life, as mentioned above, which naturally makes people more cautious… it’s kind of a big decision. And I haven’t even mentioned basic personality and compatibility issues yet. Can you feel the field shrinking? From the ladies perspective, it may look pretty good… at least statistically, but we’ll address that a little bit later. From the guys’ perspective, after the qualifiers mentioned above, the already narrow field seems even narrower. This is the perfect breeding ground for desperation, which brings all sorts of problems. Now, before I continue, no, I am not saying all the guys here are desperate. I am simply saying that things are set up for it.

Ok, to get back to the supply and demand analogy, when the supply is limited and the demand is high, two basic things happen. First, competition among the buyers increases dramatically. Second, the sellers take advantage and the price also increases dramatically. Herein we have the two basic problems of the seminary dynamic. Everything else simply flows out of these two basic points in either a sinful or a sanctified manner. Now, yes, we have Christ and the Holy Spirit to help and lead us, but too often we try to do things on our own and too much from our own perspective.

So, what happens when competition is high? People act crazy. Anyone remember the Tickle Me Elmo craziness? Sometimes, the same mentality enters here. The one perception mentioned before was that it can sometimes feel as if 3000 guys are after two girls. That is an obvious exaggeration, but points to the fact that it can feel that hopeless. Thus, when a guy finds someone he is interested in, he feels he must move quickly because she is bound to be taken soon if he doesn’t. Thus, guys rush forward in panic mode trying to beat “the rush.” Not all guys do this, many wait and try to be more cautious, but some do not. This desperation, again, not all guys, causes a lot of other really odd behaviors. Another thing to consider is that many of us have not dated a tremendous amount. To use myself as an example, as of now, I have only been on three individual dates in my life, and have never “dated.” Thus, despite the fact that I know how to talk to my sisters in Christ in the general context, I am totally clueless when it comes to the practice of dating. Add to that that every girl is different and has her own “proper method” and confusion abounds. It can sometimes seem that girls expect a guy to know exactly what to do and if he steps out of line from what she is expecting… he’s gone. Now, again, I realize not all do this, but it can seem that way. So, to some degree, you have guys that are in “Tickle Me Elmo” mode, who also don’t know the proper “currency” because they have never shopped before. This can be both sad and funny and causes many very misguided approaches.

Below I will address a few of the misguided approaches because I think that they contribute to the weirdness at a primary level. I can’t answer the chicken or the egg, so I can’t tell you beyond a doubt what happened first. However, for the sake of this post, we’ll say it starts with the supply and demand issue, moves to bad methods, then reactions to methods, then reactions to reactions and so on (thus, the whole reciprocal thing I referred to earlier).

Also, one more thought before addressing the particular approaches. Some guys simply don’t understand ladies at all. I mean, none of us truly does, but some guys have had little or no education or experience in how women think and feel. Thus, they sincerely don’t understand why a particular method would be offensive or frightening to a girl. It sounds absurd, but some guys really just don’t know. Then, some guys are just extremely gung-ho for one reason or another and move forward without any concern for her feelings or his own (it could be anything from hormones, to being told that “men just need to step up” – which will be addressed in part four). I call this the “warrior mode.” This should make sense to the men, but may not make sense to the women. Ladies, if you haven’t figured it out by now, men generally have the ability to separate actions from emotions. Most people do to some degree, but with most men it can be turned on and off (dare I use the cliché), like a switch. This is what gives us the boldness and the clear-headed thinking in crisis that typifies male leadership (again, I am not saying that these are hard-fast gender things so that no exceptions exist, but I think they are generally true). Some guys fall into both of the above categories.

Male Approaches and Related Problems

--Warrior Mode

Well, where to begin… there are so many. I guess the best place to start is with the “warrior mode” approach mentioned above. Sometimes a well-meaning guy goes into “warrior mode” and basically just walks right up to a girl, introduces himself, and then asks her out. This is actually the approach of some guys. My primary problem with this approach is that it is very selfish. He is just rushing in, not caring at all about her feelings, focused only on what he wants. Well, guys and girls are wired differently. Girls (generally) think about relationship and security first. Thus, by doing this, the guy is skipping some pretty major steps… like, who are you? Now, I am not a girl (yeah, I know, big newsflash :), so this is all hearsay, but my understanding is that she wants to know who you are. How can you ask her to go out if you don’t know anything about her? You must either have bad motives or simply be basing things on physical appearance. Thus, big surprise, she often says no. Well, from the guy’s perspective, he has been rejected, this is yet another girl that is not interested, and things seem even more hopeless. From the girl’s perspective, this is yet another creep who does not have the right motives and she feels, in some way small or large, violated by the encounter. Some handle it better than others and some don’t seem to mind at all (this actually works with some), but it seems that it is usually at least bothersome. Thus, she is more reluctant the next time a guy comes around. Let the complications begin.

--The Machine Gun

The second approach, and one of the more damaging, is what I call the “machine gun” approach. Now, before addressing this, I have to admit that if we are using “gun” analogies… I am a sniper; I focus on one person, learn about them, and then decide whether or not to proceed. So I REALLY don’t understand this approach. Anyway, the machine gun approach is basically to take the above warrior mode and simply try it with as many girls as a guy finds attractive (or that he meets). They basically say “I’m going to ask out this number of girls today” and, at one level or another, they do so indiscriminately. Some even set quotas! The idea behind this approach is that eventually someone will say yes and at least they will have a shot and “who knows.” I have a friend or two who use this one (or at least have at one point or another). I am not intending to attack them; I just don’t see it as beneficial or honoring to Christ. Instead, I see it as cruel, damaging, and foolish (and I have told them so, though they don’t like my analogy).

--The Stalker

A third approach is where a young lady will check her campus mail and there’s a letter. Hey, someone cared enough to write… that’s good, right? Wrong… it is a letter from Creep (I can’t think of a more appropriate name). Creep writes something to the effect of “I’ve been watching you and you seem like a wonderful, Godly woman, but I’m nervous about meeting you, so if you are not dating anyone, would you meet me at…” can anyone say STALKER!!! I’ve had two close friends receive the same letter (no, I don’t mean the same type, I mean the same actual copied letter!). Personally, I think this guy deserves a sock or blanket party, depending on your persuasion. Now, I admit that this is an aberration, but it does happen (again, two of my personal friends!). I chose this story to introduce the idea of “the stalker.” Now, the stalker is not always quite so obvious, but is still quite harmful. Unfortunately, many of the guys that are stalkers don’t realize it (and if I am one, someone shoot me and put me out of my sisters’ misery).

Ok, now that I have introduced the stalker, what exactly does he look like? Well, if I knew the answer to that one, he wouldn’t be a stalker anymore ;). The stalker is a little bit difficult to define. The most basic or all-encompassing definition is that a stalker is one who uses “backdoor” approaches to girls and / or won’t leave them alone. Thus, the stalker could be anyone from the guy that “watches” or sends creepy mail / email, to the guy that uses false premises, to the guy that has been told a particular girl is not interested, but won’t leave her alone. I don’t want to take too much time on this one as this is already getting long enough (no matter how long they are, I never feel like I’ve been able to say all that I want to). One more note on the stalker though. I realize that every lady responds differently, so I don’t mean to put all of them in the same position, but, in general, when a girl says she is not interested… she means it (and if she doesn’t mean what she says, she has issues that she needs to deal with before the Lord and is not ready for a relationship anyway). I have heard a number of times where a guy is “after” a lady and she is honest with him, which may not be easy, and he just won’t give up, he keeps pressing the issue. Why? Well, perhaps one reason from his perspective is that guys are often taught that girls play “hard to get.” I don’t know how true this is or isn’t, but I know a number of sisters in Christ that mean what they say and “I’m not interested” is not negotiable and is not code for “try harder stupid” as espoused in the movie Hitch. Also, I realize that it may be hard for some ladies to be honest, but that is a matter of sanctification… you cannot and should not play games with people. Another possibility from his perspective is that he just doesn’t really care about her feelings. He is not seeking her, or her betterment, but his own desires. No matter what though, we are to be people of our word… we must let our yes be yes, and our no be no. Further, if a guy is actually interested in her, and not the idea of her, he will desire for her wishes to be honored, not his. This IS self-sacrificial love! Thus, if she says she is not interested, any response other than respecting her decision proves you to be unfit for a relationship. In the end, once again, the ladies are feeling attacked. It’s no wonder it seems like some of them are hiding!

--The Mole: Master of Insecurities

Ok, one more approach to address before switching to the ladies. I call this one the “Mole” or the “Gopher,” because, from the guy’s perspective, it reminds me of the game “Whack a Mole” and causes these guys to act as you would expect mole in that situation to act (some may remember playing this… you can still find it online or in some kid’s gaming places). Before I really begin defining this one, let me say that I believe this is the most common method in existence. I don’t know if it is different outside of Christian circles, but I see it all the time within Christian circles. Further, it is the method that I am the most familiar with because it was my default for many years. In the end it leaves both sides extremely frustrated and feeling quite desolate.

Ok, so what is “the Mole.” Well, this approach is where a guy finds a girl (or girls) that he is interested in and, for reasons that will be discussed below, from time to time pops up out of his hole to “check things out.” Now, usually, the mole is more selective than the approaches mentioned above; but, given the right encouragement, will “pop out” for most anyone that is remotely close to what he is looking for. Ok, so why the mole analogy? It is simple. Like any frightened creature, “the Mole” is constantly concerned with self-preservation; its number one goal is to protect itself, the end. Thus, moles will constantly “peek out” or “pop out” to see who is there and whether or not they are “safe.” In other words, it I take the risk of coming out, will they hit me with a mallet?! Well, ultimately, there is only one way to see if “subject A” is going to hit you… and that is to come out, in plain sight, and wait to get hit! Since coming out of the hole this way is a BIG risk and not statistically conducive to self-preservation, it is NOT worth the risk. Though perhaps not explicitly so, moles think in terms of probabilities… some need a 100% guarantee, some 90, and so on. Each mole has his own “risk-benefit threshold.” Yet, moles want to be in a relationship, they are just scared. So what’s a mole supposed to do?! Quite often, they decide to stick up an ear, or an arm and then quickly withdraw it, in order to see whether a mallet will be used. After a time or two of doing this, watching carefully the whole time, they might stick out two arms and so on and so on… each time quickly withdrawing and waiting for the mallet to strike. After this, if he has not been hit, the mole will slowly come out of the hole, exposing himself for a moment, and then usually run right back in. Eventually, if the mole sees that he can trust “subject A,” he will come out and tentatively approach her.

So, what does this look like in real life? Well it takes any number of forms, but usually rests in overanalyzing. A guy that is doing this may seem to the girl to be very inconsistent. He will act interested (and the girl’s “spidey senses” will go off) and then all of a sudden, he will act very different. One moment he will act and speak as if he is going to ask her out or whatever, and the next, he is totally cold. He might go through a season of calling or emailing or whatever, and then all of a sudden stop (or at least dramatically decrease). He may be around her quite a bit, and then all of a sudden he can’t be found. Though there can be other legit reasons for this type of behavior, my suspicion is that it is usually due to “molehood.” In the case of the mole these behaviors are analogous to the paw, then the arm, then the two arms mentioned above. He is “testing the waters” so to speak to try and figure out if she is interested. If he feels that she is, he might risk a little more. If he feels that she is not, he will withdraw, always fearing the mallet is going to strike. Once he has reached his statistical threshold, he will come out of his hole. Some moles come out and stay out, while some dart right back in only to play this game again. The explanation is that (internally) one moment he is sure there must be interest on her part and the next he is sure there isn’t. He can’t move until he reaches his statistical threshold (and when I say can’t, I mean, he really and truly is “locked” in this mental and emotional hold). Thus, every single action, word, look, and so on, is micro-analyzed in order to determine whether or not she is interested. Also, the “tally” system is variable… in other words, “points” can be credited and debited. So, one time she says “hi” the moment she sees him… he then places “one point” in the mental “she likes me” column. The next time she hesitates… “one point” in the “she can’t stand me” column. Let me provide a short example. They meet one time and she greets him (+1) and as they talk, she avoids eye contact (-1), but seems interested in the conversation (+1). Then, a male friend walks up and she starts talking to him more than the guy (-1). Then she smiles, hits him on the shoulder and says thanks for the convo (+1), and then she leaves with the guy friend (-1). It should be really easy to see how confusing this simple scenario can become to a mole. The mole will then leave, analyzing every little detail trying to come up with an “accurate count,” which still may not reach his threshold. Unfortunately for him, she may have been very interested, but shy, and happened to have a test to study for (or she may have just been trying to be polite)… who knows! That’s just it… there is no good way out of this system until a level of trust has been established. Oh, and by the way ladies… in this case, the movie “Hitch” is probably pretty accurate… most guys love little things like a slap on the arm or whatever (any playful or soft physical touch is a good thing with most guys… melts our little hearts :).

Bottom line, this approach stems from insecurities and trust issues. This can be due to many, many different things. Usually, it is due to insecurities related to acceptance… especially acceptance from females, but it can be from virtually any source. In these cases it could go back to attachment issues with the mother or other females in the past. It could be due to “getting burned” or simply inexperience. It could also be due to physical or emotional abuse (or both) in his history, or even simply being unappreciated and unpopular in school. Oh, and I say “simply,” but I do not mean to downplay that… that WAS me until sometime in high school. Anyway, the point is that it is a trust issue. Ultimately one that can only be resolved in Christ, where the guy sees himself as intrinsically valuable because Christ has declared him so, purchased him with His own blood, and indwelled him with the Spirit! Again, this is easy to say, but an entirely different thing to fully realize in our heart.

Even still, no matter how we are wired, it is not easy to hand someone a knife and expose your neck, so to speak. It is very difficult for some guys (and to some degree all) to separate “I’m not interested in you” from “you are not worthy.” Thus, she may be saying she is not interested in tall guys with dark hair, but he hears that he is unworthy, as if sub-human. Now, this is wrong thinking, but pride and ego twist things so that they appear as they are not (especially in the case of moles who have “value” issues anyway). I say it is wrong thinking for three reasons. First, because our value is in Christ and in Him alone! Second, because if that is what she is actually saying, then she has just proven herself to be the subject of her own statement and therefore unworthy of him. Third, and most importantly, we ought to thank Christ when this happens because even though it stinks from our perspective, it proves He is working in our lives. The fact that we all tend to forget, especially in relationships, is that Christ is in absolute control of our lives and if one girl says “no,” then that “no” is actually from God. He is saving you from what would be worse than the best plan, which He has already laid out and set in motion before the foundations of the world were laid!!! Now, I realize that this is comparatively easy to say and, in truth, harder to actually grasp. Nevertheless, it IS true!

Now that I have at least partially explained this approach, let me say that is it simply riddled with problems… way too many for me to deal with in any detail (those that know me are gasping in shock!). Nevertheless, let me address a few of the biggest ones. First, no one knows the intents of another person’s heart. In fact, individuals don’t even completely understand their own heart (Jer 17.9), so what hope do you have of indirectly figuring out another person’s heart?! Second, it is not the simple honesty that the Bible teaches us we are to have (Matt 5.37, among others). We are to be upfront, honest, and transparent. Transparency folks, that’s where it’s at! Unfortunately, all too often we are either ignorant of ourselves and thus cannot show ourselves, or we are ashamed of ourselves and therefore hide ourselves. Kierkegaard addresses this issue in-depth in his book, "The Sickness Unto Death.” Though I don’t agree with everything he says, on page 30, he says "…for the self is healthy and free from despair only when, precisely by having despaired, it rests transparently in God". Folks, we must see who we are in Christ, in order to be able to be genuine and transparent, first before Him, and then before others! Anything else is standing in our own strength… no wonder we hide in holes! Ok, finally, the biggest problem with this approach is that it forces the lady to truly be exposed first, something she is not supposed to have to do! Even though the exposure may be very brief and light, the fact is that the man, the supposed leader, is forcing the lady to “tip her hand” before he is willing to show his. He is indirectly forcing her, in one manner or another, to say “yes I am interested in you” before he admits his interest. I do not think there is anything inherently wrong with her choosing to do this, but I think there is something VERY wrong with her having to. Now, I realize that I disagree, in this case, with the “powers that be” on this campus. This will be treated more in depth in part 4 of the series and in part 7 of the series, the requested topic. Whatever the case, in all sincerity, I believe this section on the mole is precisely why “the powers” react the way they do and say some of the things they do, concerning singles and especially single men. Limited to this context, I agree with them that the men need to step up. However, this is a heart issue and must be addressed as such! (again, more discussion in part 4).

Allow me just another moment to explain why I have gone so in-depth with the mole. Well, first, because there are SO many moles around us. Until about a year ago, I was one. Further, I have had TONS of conversations with guys who are. The saddest thing is that most moles don’t understand themselves in this respect. They rationalize and excuse and so on thinking this is normal and ok. In fact, I would venture to say that most moles are so convinced that this is normal, they don’t even realize they are moles. Most abused children don’t realize they are abused until someone tells them or they see that it is not normal, because to them, this is the only paradigm of life they know. My second reason is to get the guys who read this to reflect upon themselves and see where they are. Hopefully, they are just honest, upfront, and secure in Christ as that is the only way to be. However, many guys are not there. Guys, PLEASE look inward and figure out where you are and then stand before Christ asking for His help. You MUST realize that this is a “damaged” area from sin and needs to be healed, especially if you are headed into ministry. I would encourage you, if you find yourself in this position, to seek out a good counselor to help you see where your thinking has gone wrong. A good counselor should be able to help you sort through and figure out where the insecurities are coming from. From there, they can help you to realign your thinking, appropriately centered on Christ. The third reason for going so in-depth is to try, as best I can, to help the ladies understand that men are not the cold rocks they sometimes come off as. They have fears, emotions, and damaged emotions. I guess what I am trying to say is to pray for your brothers and if you see a mole, be as kind and understanding as you can be. Recognize that he is in need of healing and is not trying to frustrate you. Mostly, I am just trying to help you understand these behaviors. I have spent much time speaking to my female friends about this tendency in some guys and am saddened by how much frustration it causes them. Thus, back to the guys… you must heal so that you can properly lead!

The bottom line, the approaches mentioned above are not honoring to Christ, do not show love for our sisters in Christ, demonstrate a lack of faith in Christ, and, in my opinion, are sinful. Guys, we are called to lead, love, and care for the women in our lives, not freak them out and treat them as objects. I thank God for the many brothers that I know who show boundless love and concern for our sisters. Further, I am not claiming to be completely innocent, I am sure I have hurt some sisters along the way and it grieves me. To any I have hurt, please accept my apology and understand that it was not intentional.

A Random Aside

2007-12-01T03:25:00.000-05:00

Ha ha… just more of my antics. I have been casually playing racquetball for about a year and a half now. By casual, I mean that I don’t really pay too much attention to scoring or the particular rules, I just enjoy hitting and chasing the ball and seeing what martial art antics I can fit into the game. Thus, I am sure it is really “entertaining” to watch. Anyway, during the time that I’ve played, I stopped using a few balls because they didn’t seem to work so well any more. However, I have not had one split until the other day. I don’t know if this is normal or not, probably just from being worn out, but I hit the ball pretty hard, it split / broke, thudded against the wall, bounced twice… and died on the floor.

It probably doesn’t sound so by the way I am describing it, but I thought it was quite comical at the time. Usually it will come flying back toward me or at some crazy angle, but noooo… it just thudded in a grand, anticlimactic, I’m too old for this kind of way.

Well, what do you do with a broken / split racquetball? I guess most would throw it out… and I will… but for now, I just have to have some fun with it. I “discovered” that if you squeeze the sides, the split opens and closes like a little mouth (or change purse). So, I decided to draw a smiley face on it and surprise my friend Ben when he came over. Ben being Ben… went into monologue with it! Ben thinks it looks like Charlie Brown with a goatee. For some reason it reminds me of the Looney Tunes cartoons where Lenny says, “I shall love him and hold him and pet him and squeeze him and call him George,” so, I shall call him George ;)

One day George will have to go away, but for now, he makes me laugh (and yes, I admit that I am odd ;)

PS - No, I have not given up on the series, I will be working on that later, but just wanted to take an aside for a moment :)

George, in somewhat decent health

George, being squeezed

Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part One: Intro and Background

2007-11-21T08:04:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, I posted a note a few weeks back that was intended to set the stage so to speak. It is of the utmost importance to me that those who read this series read this post first. I will not spend any time here discussing why I feel it is important, as I do so in that post. PLEASE take the time to read this post A Confession From the Heart.

Again asking for your prayers for me to handle this well and ultimately for the Glory of Christ on this campus and in our lives!

Thank you very much!

In Christ,

Aaron Hawk
Col. 2:6,7

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Teaser

Well folks, the first part of the big post I’ve been talking about is finally here. Few of us who have been around the seminary for any length of time, especially the singles, have any doubt that there are some weird dynamics among the men and women of this campus. Let’s just face it, there are a lot of odd tensions here, that don’t seem to exist outside of this societal bubble. So what are these tensions? Where do they come from? Why is it so weird? What can we do (other than pull out our hair)?

Through this series, I will be trying (note the word “trying”) to analyze some of the social dynamics and spiritual issues that contribute to the tensions. I will also be trying (there’s that word again) to see how these things feed off of one another so that we may better understand the triggers and, thus, learn to deactivate them. From there, I will address what I perceive to be the root cause(s). Through this series, I sincerely hope to generate Christ-honoring discussion that would help us to more sincerely reflect Christ’s glory in every aspect of our lives. Thus, please participate.

Preliminary Thoughts / Ground Rules

It is with a heavy and trembling heart that I write this post. Let me begin by saying right up front that I am not claiming to have all the answers or a perfect perception, quite the opposite. Neither is my purpose to provide a step-by-step solution, because I do not have one. Instead, my purpose is to raise the issue for Christ-honoring discussion so that the body of Christ here may be more aware of the problem and thus work toward a solution. So, I will simply try to make some observations and suggestions to get things going.

Please also understand that I do not write this flippantly. I have actually put off and even rewritten it several times (though you may not be able to tell :). Instead, it is with humility and even a little fear that I write this particular post. I write with humility realizing my sin and my limited perspective distort and color my view of things. I write with fear in realizing that I am dealing with a very sensitive subject and with frail human beings such as myself. I pray that my writing will not lack the grace which was so richly bestowed upon me and thereby turn this into a tool for the evil one, rather than a banner for Christ. My greatest fear is to have to answer to my Lord for hurting one of His little ones… I have done that too many times already. My heart’s desire is that Christ would bring about change and repentance on this campus and that we, His children, would genuinely reflect His glory in every aspect of our lives. Whether Christ chooses to use this as a tool in accomplishing this or not, I pray for His glory and His will alone!

Oh yeah, one last thing, please show some grace as there are bound to be some organizational issues. In truth, these are the ramblings of a fool and I am still not sure how best to organize things for maximum efficiency and effectiveness (Prov 30:2-3).

Background

I suppose the first place to start is to address whether or not an issue really exists. In my flawed mind, there is no doubt that one exists between the single men and women on this campus. I have had countless conversations with both male and female friends in which I have heard generalizations about both sides, specifically in terms of how the men and women interact. Both sides seem to have a high degree of frustration and often a rather low view of the other, as a generalization. Below I am going to give a list of some of the male and female perceptions that I have heard in these conversations. Please bear in mind that some of these were spoken out of frustration, while some were stated in more general conversation. I have tried to compile and smooth over them a little, while still leaving the genuine frustration exposed. My point in including the list is to clearly establish the existence of a genuine problem.

Sorry, the formatting is kinda messy for the list, not sure how to fix :/

· Male Perceptions
o There simply aren’t enough single ladies here for the number of single guys. If we manage to find someone we’re interested in, competition is so high, we’d better not wait because she’s probably got 10 other guys talking to her this afternoon.
§ This place is a “barren wasteland” when describing “potentials.” How am I going to compete with 3,000 other guys for the same 2 girls (in the middle of work, classes, and church involvement)?
o Due to the unnatural balance, many are simply stuck up and always holding out for someone better (saying they are “Dating Jesus”). They realize that the market is in their favor and they are playing it.
§ Some are searching for Christ himself
o Seminary “messes the girls up” Seminary girls just have an air about them that says back off.
§ When we try to talk to a girl, we are often ignored and usually treated as suspect.
§ Seminary girls are not worth the trouble. They won’t talk to you, they won’t date, what am I supposed to do? I’m going to Southeast, or to this place or that place, or to online dating. At least there, I won’t be treated badly for smiling at a girl and I can just naturally get to know someone.
o We are constantly being told (from administration, peers, etc) that we need to “step up” and be bold, yet when we do, we are shot down time and time again and then told that we are acting like vultures. We have no valid means to get to know girls here, no avenue by which we can get to know someone and not be viewed in that way.
o Feel like the entire thing rests on our shoulders… one way street. Girls here don’t reciprocate anything.
· Female Perceptions
o I hear it all the time… the odds are good, but the goods are odd. Some of the guys here are really creepy
§ Some men here act like stalkers. They won’t leave you alone and when you talk to them, they are watching your mouth, but not listening… I’m not interested!!!
o Some guys treat the women like steak and act like rabid dogs after a cat. Don’t like the word pursue.
§ Women are here for more than having babies
o Guys need to back off… too many asking me out, can’t any just be interested in friendship. I’m tired of guys I don’t even know asking me out… it makes me uncomfortable.
§ Why can’t guys accept common courtesy, like a smile, without thinking I’m interested in them.
o No one ever asks me out… where are they, they need to step up!
§ Guys won’t even talk to me, so I sit with the older married men… at least they will talk and acknowledge that I exist.
o Guys here are too shallow, they are expecting supermodels and need to grow up
o Feel trapped… how can I show a guy I am interested without being too forward / violating the headship thing. Feel we have no “rights” in choosing someone in terms of having to be totally passive until someone asks.

Before I continue, I just want to point out a few things. First, though you cannot really see it very clearly in this condensed list, I have been surprised at how often both sides are saying the same things, just in different ways. This is common in many types of conflict; both sides are saying the same thing, but not understanding the other. For example, both sides resort to simply saying that the other is “messed up.” Both sides feel trapped and confused in one way or the other. Also, in all of my conversations, the majority of both males and females were not happy about being single, but weren’t sure what to do to “fix” things.

Again, I sincerely ask for grace as I attempt this. I am just one person and these are just my musings and my feeble attempts to put things together. Thus, as the series unfolds, I want discussion and other opinions and suggestions that might help “fix” some of this, working toward the glory of Christ. I am going to try to take this from a linear perspective, while admitting to you right up front that these problems are extremely complex and reciprocal in nature. Trying to isolate male / female problems from the rest of life is like trying to figure out which particular snowflake caused the avalanche. The simple fact is that there are other factors (such as sin, family, etc) which further complicate things. Also, I must point out that many of these things are common to all male / female relationships and are not entirely unique to this campus. However, I think they are exacerbated by the unnatural balance here and that there are a few things which are more unique to this setting (and yes, I realize the logical contradiction there :).

As one final thought before I begin, I realize that some of you will not understand what I am talking about at all. As an example, I was speaking to one married couple that I love very much who met here. The wife had been here and single and had been “in the midst” of the weirdness. They met and began dating not long after he arrived. She and I, along with a number of others, have had this conversation on a number of occasions. As he was discussing this with me, specifically in terms of this post, he said that he really didn’t see what I was talking about and thought that it is really not such a big deal. She immediately responded that she had observed these things and that he had been “saved” from them by nature of their relationship. It is my sincere opinion that this problem does exist; I would not be writing and potentially causing harm if I were not convinced. I believe that this problem is similar to an undertow. One person can look out over the water and see everything as normal and relatively calm and admire the beauty of the ocean. Another person can decide to go swimming and get caught by what didn’t appear to exist. At this point, I leave it to you to decide.

I hate to leave you hanging so to speak, but I do not have a choice. In the next part of the series I will be analyzing “the issues,” trying to present what I perceive to be some of the underlying causes behind the perceptions already mentioned. Depending on how I divide it, the next part may be the bulk of the series. I am still trying to decide the best way to really address the individual issues and still really demonstrate the interplay between them. Again, it is a very complex / reciprocal problem (I sincerely think someone could get a PhD studying this dynamic).

I’m An Air Sniffer

2007-11-15T11:07:00.001-05:00

Ok, this is not the big one, but just had to share…

It is interesting to me the things that fascinate me / us (don’t get too lost in that logical circle :). Last night I was walking with a friend outside and, being quite rude, stopped him mid-sentence to comment on the smell in the air. There are a handful of smells that always stop me in my tracks, I “couldn’t help myself.” It was that cool, fresh-rain smell combined with the robust and full smell of fresh pine. I have no idea what exactly it is about those smells, but I just love them! In the insanity that is my way of reasoning, I also realized there is something about this that is to teach me about Christ. I will not take this very far, attributing all sorts of things to this. The simple thought that came to my mind was that this “sweet savor” is like unto our prayers and supplications to our God… our supplications are literally pleasing to Christ! May I please Him!!! Sometimes the deepest things are also the most simple!

Another Confession From the Heart

2007-11-13T00:37:00.000-05:00

Well folks, once again, I have to ask for a time out. I really don’t like doing this, but, as I said before, I must keep first things first and I’m a theology student before I’m a blogger. This is the last week of classes for us at Southern, next week is a reading week, and then exams. That said, time is really a premium. I have the big post all marked up and ready to be as finalized as it’s gonna get, but simply can’t justify the time to actually finish it just yet. That said, I will be trying to finish it this coming week. I am also likely to break it into at least two parts so it is more palatable. I know I sound like a broken record with the “it’s coming” but this has been the most insane semester for me (I spent half of it sick, and the other half catching up). I thank you in advance for your understanding and will make every effort to have it posted next Monday.

In the mean time, if you have not read my previous post “A Confession From the Heart,” I would strongly recommend reading it before this next post.

In Christ,

Aaron Hawk

A Confession From the Heart

2007-11-05T02:44:00.000-05:00

Well, plans are finally underway with the big post I have been talking about. I will be editing and rewriting it this coming week, hopefully making it more clear, concise, and Christ-honoring. That said, I am reposting a note I wrote a while back. I am doing this as a “springboard” or “frontrunner” for the larger and more in-depth post. Thus, it is extremely important to me that anyone who reads the next post (which should be next Monday), read it in the context of this post. In other words, I want anyone who reads the next post to understand that I see my own part in the whole and am not writing as if removed from the situation or from a judgmental standpoint. With that I will leave you to read the frontrunner.

Blessed in Christ,

Aaron Hawk
Col. 2:6,7

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Originally posted 5:25am Monday, Apr 9 2007 on Facebook
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I just want to share from the heart for a moment. That said, I am going to be quite blunt, and would ask that you show me grace as I confess my sins. Since I have been at Southern, I have entered into countless conversations about the male / female interaction here. In these conversations, I have heard both sides express extreme frustration for many reasons (and tried desperately to hear both sides as honestly as possible). I will not here address these conversations per se, but only mention them to provide background to my own sin and hopefully demonstrate that I have really done my best to take these issues to heart. Finally, though I have heard a number of seminary guys express similar feelings, in this note, I can only speak for myself.

Now on to my confession: I have erred in my perception toward “seminary girls.” I do not believe that I have sinned against any particular girl, but have stacked my frustration against the mass “they.” One of my biggest complaints has been that, in relation to single guys, seminary girls act quite cold (as a generalization, I never meant the sum total). Ok, calm down and let me explain (and apologize). By this, I mean that it has seemed girls around here act like talking to a guy is the equivalent to a marriage proposal. Therefore, they remain aloof and refuse to enter into a conversation. Now first, let me say that if there is truth to this point, I can’t really blame them considering the “vulturesque” way it seems many Seminary guys act. It really pains me to see the way that some girls are treated.

One of my greatest contentions (and supporting evidences) is that when I’m walking around campus or through a building, most girls will not even smile and say “hi.” “They” avoid eye contact and act as if they are totally unaware that someone else is around, even though their stiff body language and deliberate downward stare say the exact opposite. Since I have been here, I have taken great offense at this. It has seemed to me that the girls are treating me as sub-human, by not at least acknowledging that “yes, you are a fellow human, and I will acknowledge that by giving you a common greeting.” Despite the fact that I am very shy in a group of new people, I am an extremely social person. Thus, this type of situation really bothers me.

Here I must chase a small rabbit and also confess that, though it is rare, I sometimes do the same thing for various reasons: Sometimes, I am so ashamed of myself and aware of my own sin, that I don’t want to interact with anyone. Sometimes I am just in a hurry and don’t want to have a conversation… you get the point.

Back to my main point… the other day, I realized that I have, unknowingly, had a double standard in my perception. I was on a break from class and walked past a number of people on the way. Some of them were male and some were female. On the way back to my room, I noticed the females ignoring me for the most part, as always. I ate lunch and then headed back to class. Once again, on the way back to class, I passed a number of people, but this time, I noticed that about the same ratio of male and female students either greeted or ignored me. I was immediately hit with my double standard and my own insecurities. The simple fact is, I didn’t notice the guys ignoring me because I don’t care in the same way. Though I don’t like being ignored by anyone, I was only sensitive to the times one of the seminary girls would ignore me.

It grieves me to think how I have sinned in my heart and my mind toward such Godly and wonderful ladies as we have on this campus. Further, I am grieved that my own thoughts may have contributed in some way to the already tense and awkward situation that exists here. I think we can all agree that, whatever the exact situation is, it is an unnatural one and, therefore, a confusing one. So, why did I write this note? Let me assure you it was NOT to complain or to stir up trouble. In fact, I question the wisdom of posting this note, as I do not want to offend anyone for the world. What then was my purpose? Well, it was partly to apologize, but generally this type of sin does not need a public apology. More than that, my simple hope is that we would all be more aware of how we treat each other and examine our own hearts… for ourselves and especially for those around us. To the guys, I hope that we, as Christ’s children, would love and respect our sisters in the proper way. To the girls, I hope that you would realize that we “gruff” men are much more sensitive than you may realize and something as simple as “hi” can brighten our day.

I thank my God that He has shown me the error in this perception and pray that He would help me to always see other people and situations through His eyes and not my own. May He continue to refine and sanctify me! To all of the wonderful women that God has placed here, I am sorry! May the Lord bless and strengthen you!!!

Holy for God or Wholly for Self: Sex, Pornography, and Addiction

2007-10-28T01:30:00.000-04:00

First, yes, the other post is still coming, I just want to try to do it well.

Well, I don’t usually do this. I make a concerted effort not to write posts that are in the “high academia” realm. I prefer things that are more personal and practical in nature. However, I feel this subject is extremely important, even here, and since I wrote a paper on it and don’t feel like rewording everything, I have chosen to simply post the paper as is. Also, it should go without saying… don’t plagiarize or attempt to turn this in for a class.

May the Lord bless and heal us from all sin!

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Title Page

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INTRODUCTION ................................................................................ 1
OVERVIEW OF PORNOGRAPHIC ADDICTION .......................... 2
---Addiction Defined ............................................................................ 2
---Pornography Defined ...................................................................... 4
PORNOGRAPHY’S DEVASTATION ................................................ 6
---Setting the Trap .............................................................................. 6
---Technological Entrapment ............................................................. 7
---Killing Relationships ........................................................................ 8
DECIMATING PORN ADDICTION ................................................ 10
---Genuine Repentance ..................................................................... 10
---Reprogramming the Mind............................................................. 12
---Securing the Perimeters ............................................................... 13
CONCLUSION ..................................................................................... 15
BIBLIOGRAPHY ................................................................................. 17

Body

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HOLY FOR GOD OR WHOLLY FOR SELF

INTRODUCTION

Western society is the product of many influences and has grown and advanced in many areas in the course of history. In Western society, a person can study anything from the intricate details of cell structure and genetic encoding to the vast complexities of moons, stars, and planets amazingly distant from our own. However, in the midst of all of the amazing and wonderful discoveries there is a destructive cancer spreading throughout the entire society. Pornographic addiction, most specifically internet pornography, has touched lives from every demographic, from the poorest person in the public library to the business executive in his office.
Unfortunately in this case, despite the fact that Christians are called to holiness and purity, many Christians are falling into pornographic addiction right alongside the secular world. They have entered into a world in which they know they do not belong. They feel trapped in the addiction and are tormented by the shame and guilt of living secret lives, in continual, known rebellion against Christ. For those that have not fallen into this world personally, most have been affected either indirectly through family or friends, or have known someone who has been affected.
The purpose of this paper is, from a Christian perspective, to address pornographic addiction, it’s affects and consequences, and how a person can be break free from this enslaving sin. As evidenced by the preceding statement, the sinfulness of this addiction is a presupposition and will not be directly addressed. The drive behind this paper is that this writer has witnessed the full spectrum of this addiction in his father. Further, this writer has heard and read of many instances of professionals and ministers falling into this world at home and in the office. Finally, this writer has observed and counseled with many individual studying for the ministry in his undergrad and here at Southern who feel trapped in this world. Thus, it is of extreme personal interest to address this topic with a pastoral heart and a view to help people change.

OVERVIEW OF PORNOGRAPHIC ADDICTION

This section will provide the reader with an overview of pornographic addiction. This will be accomplished by providing a discussion of addiction followed by a discussion of what pornography is, as there seems to be some confusion on these terms. The final part of this section will be a discussion of how people entrap themselves in pornographic addiction.

Addiction Defined

Throughout the Western culture, specifically, the American culture, the terms addiction and disease have become virtually synonymous. The problem with this is that a disease is by definition rooted in a physical cause and it treatable by physical means. Addictions simply are not caused by physical factors. They may be influenced by physical things, but addictions are not determinative. The change from personal accountability into labeling addictions as diseases is simply a matter of culture-wide blame-shifting. Just as Adam blamed eve in the garden, we, as people, are still trying to avoid taking responsibility. This misunderstanding is essentially the result of a lack of understanding about personal responsibility and an effort to describe the way an addict feels controlled and unable to change. However, despite feeling enslaved and helpless, the truth is that addictions are willful enslavement.1
Now that a general discussion has been given to addiction, a more concrete definition is in order. For the purpose of this paper, sexual addiction will be defined as an “obsessive-compulsive relationship with a person, object or experience for the purpose of sexual gratification.”2 The first point to note is the use of “obsessive-compulsive.” As already noted, this is not meant to take away personal responsibility. As will be discussed later, it is largely a matter of wrongly programming the mind into scripts that can be very difficult to break. Second, it is important to note that the relationship can be with a person, object or an experience. Thus, sexual addiction can range from a real relationship, to the imaginings of the heart without any particular stimulus.
In truth, addiction is a matter of the human heart, desiring selfish things at the root level. It is a matter of idolatry whereby the human heart turns away from the limits Christ has set in this life and toward the fulfillment of its own selfish desires for such things as comfort, power, pleasure, and so on. The bottom line is that the heart wants control where Christ has demanded it.3 This is idolatry, where a person sets something above or in opposition to their relationship to Christ. Pornographic addiction, at the deepest level is not an addiction to the material itself, but and addiction to self-centeredness. This is the classic definition of idolatry, whereby the person becomes the object of their own worship.4

Pornography Defined

Despite the prevalence of pornography, and the ever-increasing number of books, articles, and yes, term papers, devoted to helping people break free from pornography, very little attention, if any, is given to actually defining pornography. Thus, in this writer’s opinion, there is much confusion as to exactly what it is. In Christian settings, few doubt that “X Rated” movies or magazines are rightly classified as pornography. Yet, in this writer’s own experience, it seems little attention is given to any other form. Thus, the need to define the term. The American Heritage Dictionary defines pornography as “sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.” This is a decent definition, though clearly from a secular viewpoint. The reason for including it in this paper is that it includes the visual element, the written element, and the fact that it causes sexual arousal. However, this definition is still severely lacking, especially from a Christian standpoint. The primary problem with this definition is the last section of the definition. It classifies pornography according to intent. While this writer agrees that intent is important, by comparing this definition to others in the secular arena, it is clear that dictionaries are trying not to include so called “Sensual Art” where all things classified as “art” are excluded from the label of pornography. Advocates of this position often take pictures of nude women or children or produce sculptures or some other depiction that, though not showing intercourse, are still erotic.
Despite being problematic, this definition is helpful in that it leaves the other avenues wide open. There are a few major types of pornography that exist in churches that seem to be viewed as benign, despite their destructive qualities. One huge problem in many churches are “R” rated movies where nudity abounds and sex is depicted so graphically that it may as well be “X” rated. This is not to set up “R” rated movies as all bad or as some Litmus test for spirituality or maturity. However, the pornographic quality of many of the movies cannot be overlooked. A second major problem in churches is so called romance novels. These novels are directed at women and tell stories of some great looking man who is perfectly what the women is looking for and usually saves her from some physical or emotional distress and then the two have the greatest sex, in graphic detail. Both forms are equally destructive and, unfortunately, usually overlooked as such.
This writer’s working definition of pornography is anything of a sexual nature, short of sexual intercourse, that stirs up sexual desire toward anything other than a person’s own spouse. This definition is admittedly broad. However, this writer feels it is too often defined simply in terms of “X” rated movies or magazines. Further, what may be pornographic to one person, is not necessarily pornographic to another. For example, a doctor may look at slides of women’s breasts for valid medical reasons, or perform certain procedures where the woman is exposed. If the doctor is able to keep his mind pure and focused on medicine, the it is not pornographic. However, if it begins stirring up desires in the doctor, it has just become pornography. As another example, clothing ads in the Sunday paper may not cause some men to stumble. For them, it is not pornography. However, for some men, this causes such desire that they use these as an excuse for masturbation. In this case, it has clearly become pornographic. Hopefully, the point is clear by now that this writer is not trying to excuse some things an not others, but to help the reader understand that things other’s may not view as explicit, may in fact be fore some. In the end, perhaps the best and simplest definition is that pornography is a substitute for intimacy.5

PORNOGRAPHY’S DEVASTATION

Hopefully by now, the reader has a clearer picture of what pornography is, both in the literal sense and in the sense of what it is to the human heart. With that, this paper will briefly discuss how people, specifically Christians, entrap themselves in sexual sin and the devastating effects is has.

Setting the Trap

How does a person become addicted to pornography? The obvious answer is that it is different for every person, but there is a general pattern that most people follow. The most important consideration is that pornographic addiction is a slow drifting away from the Lord, toward selfish gratification.6 The bottom line is that sexual lust pornographic addiction do not exist in a vacuum and do not simply show up with no preceding history. Sin always has a history.7 Usually, this type of sin begins with the person becoming lazy with their spiritual disciplines. They begin praying and reading less and less, thus not putting on the full armor of God (Eph 6). Then, at some point, they happen across some stimulus that sparks the crouching sin in their heart. They will often battle this very hard at first. In fact, the first time or two is usually quite “a terrible, anxiety-provoking experience.”8 Thorough continued drifting, a lack of genuine repentance, and a growing self-idolatry, the person continues going further and further in this sin. Eventually the person is so consumed with their sin and so comfortable in it, that Jeremiah 8:6 describes it as a horse running into battle with no variance in determination and later in 8:12, no shame. In the end, the person ends up stuck in a vicious cycle, reciprocating back upon itself.9

Technological Entrapment

Every generation has had its own dangers in the realm of sexual sin. In the Proverbs, the wiser elder warns the younger man to be aware of the dangers of following a prostitute (Proverbs 7). In more recent history brothels and strip bars have been the large threat. In recent history, videos and magazines have been a huge and disastrous means of sexual perversion. However, in very recent history, the internet has become the largest and most devastating means of sexual sin and perversion. An individual used to be required to go to a particular store or some other public area to purchase he material that would be used for sexual gratification. This involved not only the bold and willful commitment to sin, but also the possibility of being seen by others. As an example, a church near a pornographic store was interviewed by the local news in Greenville, SC because they were taking pictures of cars at these stores and sending them to the “woman of the house” of the registered car. Thus, going to a public place required a great deal of boldness and risk. Even with the risk, many, many men fell into this sin, spending billions of dollars on pornography. Internet pornography is exponentially more dangerous because it seems to remove these dangers. There is the belief in anonymity online and even software that people can purchase to “protect their identity” that is actually designed, and marketed, to prevent someone else, say, the wife, from knowing where the husband has been online. Further, looking up pornography online takes little boldness as the addict believes himself to be and “anonymous observer.”
In addition to the above, an even greater danger is that many jobs, perhaps even most, now require at least some “online” time for a person to be able to perform his or her duties. Further, most homes now have internet access and many have high-speed access. This means that for someone who is weak, struggling, or an addict, is in continual temptation and that literally anything they want is very easily attained. To make this situation even worse, a person does not need to seek pornography, it is sent to the person’s email, website, or through some other means, on a regular basis. A generation ago, America was divided over the display of a fictitious genie’s stomach in evening programming, claiming it was an innocent indulgence and quite harmless. Today, America is passively sitting by as what can be described as pure filth is pipelined into homes at amazing speed.10

Killing Relationships

Pornography is a killer of the wort kind. As stated earlier, no real treatment will be given to the fact that pornographic addiction is wrong, that is assumed and acknowledged as fact. However, it would be a major fault not to point out the fact that idolatry and sin always kill a person’s relationship with the Lord. When one turns from God to something else, it not only displeases God, but it causes the person not to listen for the Lord. Simply put, a person cannot be in right standing with the Lord and be addicted to pornography.11
Beyond killing the relationship with the Lord, 1 Corinthians 6:18 warns the reader to flee from sexual immorality because it is a sin against the self. Pornographic addiction is a cancer within the individual. It causes a lifestyle of deceit and deception and reshapes the way a person thinks. The addict no longer sees a woman as simply that. The addict begins to fantasize and view others as objects rather than people. The truly sad thing is that the addict rarely realizes that this reprogramming has taken place until after it has taken root.
If the damage and death caused by the aforementioned was not enough, the destruction also touches every other aspect of the addicts life. Specific to internet pornography, though certainly applicable to all forms, is the issue of time. As with any addiction, the addict continually seeks more. The small amount of stimulation that originally satisfied the self-worship is no longer enough, the addict must have more and more and the amount being received no longer produces the desired effect. Part of the reason for the increasing amounts is simply the human tendency to never be satisfied. Newness wears off, the old becomes mundane, and it is no longer enough. The other aspect is that the addict is seeking a substitute that is not really there. They seek intimacy and excitement and realize that the pornography is an empty promise, vanity. Instead of turning from it, the addict believes the lies that just a little more will satisfy and fulfill the original promise. This is also the reason for the progression from so called “soft porn” to “hard porn” and beyond, but that is a different topic. Thus, with the addict continually seeking more, more time is needed to acquire the materials. Thus, the addict spends more and more time away from his family, loses sleep, takes breaks from work, and eventually his entire life is spent around seeking after this lust. Then compound this with the irritability that comes with a person that is steeped in shame and guilt and the mental and emotional change these things bring about. The result is that the person is distant, fails to complete tasks, and becomes very difficult to be around. This causes others to put more pressure on the addict and to pull away emotionally, which causes the addict to seek these substitutes even more in the absence of the actual intimacy and support.12 Again, it is a vicious cycle that tears lives apart.

DECIMATING PORN ADDICTION

Thus far, a fairly bleak picture has been painted of and for the pornographic addict. Though this writer does not want to minimize what has already been discussed in any way, there is hope. Despite the devastation, the broken relationships, and ultimately the idolatry, there is hope for the Christian who desires to change. Change in this area is not an easy task. Many books and articles have been written to address this issue. This section will discuss how to decimate pornographic addiction from the life of a believer through a three-stage attack plan. The most important thing for the reader to understand is that war must be declared on this sin, with the power of Christ through the Holy Spirit, with no mercy for the selfish idol.

Genuine Repentance

The first place a Christian must begin is genuine repentance. Genuine repentance is turning from sin, toward God realizing how much that sin displeases God and committing the will to seek God rather than that sin. It is not only action, but a new way of thinking.13 Ultimately, it is trusting in Christ’s righteousness to cover and pay for the sin. Perhaps the most solid definition this writer has come across is that repentance is “a heartfelt sorrow for sin, a renouncing of it, and a sincere commitment to forsake it and walk in obedience to Christ.”14
Before continuing the discussion, it is important to point out that repentance is diametrically opposed to penance. Repentance is accepting God’s grace and forgiveness through the righteous sacrifice of Christ and reacting to that through obedience, in the power of the Spirit of Christ. On the other hand penance is a religious construct, deeply embedded in the human heart whereby people attempt to pay for their own sins through various means such as good works, suffering, deprivation, or any number of other things.15 Thus, penance is attempting to pay for sin based on one’s own ability with a desire to no longer do what is wrong, based on one’s own strength to change. Clearly repentance is a soothing aroma to the Lord and penance is quite odious. Further, this distinction is of absolute importance in breaking free from pornographic addiction as repentance will lead the person to genuine change in Christ and penance will continue to destroy the person in the cycle mentioned earlier. To use a common phrase in Biblical counseling, genuine repentance is putting off one thing, sin, in order to put on another thing, Christ’s righteousness. The acceptance of God’s grace through Christ is foundational to healing and renewal.

Reprogramming the Mind

Continuing the idea of putting on, the next stage in the attack plan is for the Christian, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to reprogram the mind. This is what Paul was discussing in Romans 12 where he commands the believers to be transformed by the renewing of the mind. The mind in scripture is a topic worthy of a dissertation or a book, thus a full treatment cannot be given in this paper. However, a few key thoughts will be discussed.
First, in order to reprogram the mind, the right code is needed. In life, the code, is the applied word of God. It is when the Christian begins to know Christ better and more fully, meditating and rejoicing in Christ continually that the mind can be renewed. In a sense, this regaining the disciplines that were lost before the addiction took root. Yet, more importantly, it is to expand and deepen those disciplines. Thus, specific strategies, which will be covered in the next section, pale in comparison to the mind that truly grasps who Christ is and who that person is in Christ. Put another way, Piper says that he knows with all of his heart that “the tiny spaceships of... moral strategies will be useless in nudging the planet of sexuality into orbit, unless the sun of... [the individual’s] solar system is the supremacy of Christ.”16 In this writer’s opinion, the point Piper is making cannot be overstated. A person must mediate upon the truth and have a picture of Christ’s holiness. It is only when the picture of what ought to be permeates the redeemed mind and heart that genuine change can occur.
Another important aspect of reprogramming the mind is found in 2 Corinthians 10:5. In this passage Paul is exhorting the believers in spiritual warfare, specifically relating to the mind in this verse. Believers are told to take every thought captive to obedience to Christ. It is the Christian’s responsibility to be in control of the mind. Over time, habits are developed and the human mind, specifically the executive function, operates in sort of an auto-pilot fashion whereby preprogrammed scripts are followed unless there is a valid reason or concerted effort not to follow the script.17 Thus, the Christian that has allowed his mind to be corrupted by evil scripts, must fight against their own mind. Since these scripts are followed in an automated fashion, it can seem as if the person is not in control of their own actions. It is therefore necessary to be very conscious of every decision and action. The Christian must ask himself why am I doing this at this moment. If this is not an acceptable script, the Christian must fight against the urge to complete the action. If it is sinful, the Christian must no only fight against the urge, but bring specific scripture or scriptural principles to his mind in the moment. This will, over time, help the Christian to reprogram his mind and have it focused on Christ. Then, also over time, the automated scripts will be Christ-honoring and beneficial instead of destructive. These two things are the heart of winning the battle of the heart. Once again, the reader can see the principle of putting off and putting on.

Securing the Perimeters

The third stage is to secure the perimeters. Securing the perimeters means to fortify the defenses and to be on guard against all attacks, frontal and sneak attacks, and all potential points of attack. In the spiritual life, there is no such thing as a safe-zone or a wall that is so fortified that it cannot be breached. One of the most basic methods of strategy, is to catch the enemy off-guard. Satan loves finding ways to attack Christians and then watch them destroy themselves. Christians must be on guard, this principle is repeated throughout scripture over and over. This section will discuss three basic methods of being on guard. All three of these reinforce and serve to reprogram the mind as discussed in the previous section. Also, these three methods are universal to all types of addiction even though they are applied to pornography in this paper.
The first, and most important, is to be bathed in the spiritual disciplines. The most important three, in this writer’s opinion, are reading, prayer, and worship. It is vital to know what the Bible says and to be continually reminded of who Christ is, what Christ expects from Christians, and how to live a proper Christian life. The second discipline, prayer is absolutely vital as well. Christians must be in continual contact with God, talking, asking for him, and just spending time consciously in the presence of Christ. The third discipline is, in this writer’s opinion, often the most neglected of the three. Genuine worship of Christ is the glue that holds everything else together. It serves to enliven both reading and prayer and serves to continually direct the heart toward Christ.
The second method is that of barriers. At least for a time, certain barriers may be needed to help prevent the Christian from falling back into addiction. Some barriers might be wise even if a person is not yet an addict. For pornography addicts or those prone to stumbling into sexual sin, the focus of paper, this may mean no internet access without someone present. This can be affected through log-on passwords and a variety of other means, even as far as not having internet access. For some, a program like Covenant Eyes, may be the best thing where the program sends the browsing history to a list of people who know the person and will check it. Another barrier might be allowing personal space to be inspected for a time. There are far too many barriers to cover here but a few have been mentioned in order to give th reader some ideas. The thing to remember with barriers is that they are not foolproof and will never work on their own. The help to prevent bad action, but do not address heart issues.
The third method, accountability, is closely related to barriers. Accountability is bringing another Christian, of the same sex, into the life of the struggling believer. There are many ways to do accountability, but the point is that the struggling believer and the accountability partner meet regularly and discuss the issue. Help and counsel is given as one believer tries to exhort and encourage another in living the Christian life. Accountability should only be undertaken with a believer who is mature enough to keep confidentiality and loves enough to confront. As with barriers, accountability is only maintenance and cannot directly address the heart issues.

CONCLUSION

Much more could be added and should be, for a truly full discussion. However, this writer hopes that after reading this paper, the reader has come to better understand the subject of pornographic addiction. With this knowledge, it is hoped that the reader will be able to find his or her way back to Christ, if the reader is struggling with this issue. If the reader is not, it is hoped that the reader will be better able to help those that are.
As a final thought, remember that genuine change is not merely a matter of the human will, is not merely a matter of following spiritual disciplines, and is not automatic. Genuine change starts with God prompting a person and occurs when that person immerses themself in the worship of God, willing themself and committing themself to take what they have learned and consciously apply it to their life over and over, being ever watchful. In the end, it is only the grace of God that keeps any Christian faithful. That realization should humble all Christians, especially those that do not struggle in this area.

1Edward T. Welch, “Addictions,” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 19, no. 3 (Spring 2001): 19.
2
Russell Willingham, Breaking Free (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 1999), 27.
3Welch, “Motives,” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 22, no. 1 (Fall 2003): 49.

4Jeffrey S. Black, “Pornography, Masturbation and Other Private Misuses,” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 13, no. 3 (Spring 1995): 8.

5Ibid.
6Ibid, 7.
7David Powlison, “Sex, Truth, and Scripture,” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 13, no. 3 (Spring 1995): 2.

8Black, 9.
9Mark R. Laaser, Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004), 35.
10Welch, “Motives,” 50.
11Mark E Shaw, The Heart of Addiction (Birmingham, AL: Milestone Books, 2006), 41.

12Melissa Partain, “Sex and Cyberspace,” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 22, no. 1 (Fall 2003): 71.
13Jay E. Adams, A Theology of Christian Counseling (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1979), 215.
14Wayne Grudem, Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1994), 712.
15Edward T. Welch, “Is Biblical-Nouthetic Counseling Legalistic,” The Journal of Pastoral Practice 11, no. 1 (1992): 11.

16John Piper and Justin Taylor, Sex and the Supremacy of Christ (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2005), 38.
17Eric Johnson, “Personality Architecture” (class lecture delivered for Christian Theories of the Person on 11 October 2007), Southern Seminary, Louisville, KY.

Bibliography

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Books

Adams, Jay E. A Theology of Christian Counseling. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1979.

Grudem, Wayne. Systematic Theology. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1994.

Laaser, Mark R. Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004.

Piper, John and Justin Taylor. Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2005.

Shaw, Mark E. The Heart of Addiction. Birmingham, AL: Milestone Books, 2006.

Willingham, Russell. Breaking Free. Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 1999.

Articles

Black, Jeffrey S. “Pornography, Masturbation and Other Private Misuses.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 13, no. 3. (Spring 1995): 7-10.

Partain, Melissa. “Sex and Cyberspace.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 22, no. 1. (Fall 2003): 70-80.

Powlison, David. “Sex, Truth, and Scripture.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 13, no. 3. (Spring 1995): 2-3.

Welch, Edward T. “Addictions.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 19, no. 3. (Spring 2001): 19-30.

________. “Is Biblical-Nouthetic Counseling Legalistic.” The Journal of Pastoral Practice 11, no. 1. (1992): 4-21.

________. “Motives.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 22, no. 1. (Fall 2003): 48-56.
Unpublished Materials

Johnson, Eric. “Personality Architecture” (class lecture delivered for Christian Theories of the Person on 11 October 2007). Southern Seminary, Louisville, KY.

?tnetnI lairohtuA ro esnopseR redaeR

2007-10-21T20:09:00.000-04:00

This is yet another short one. I really promise that more is coming. In fact, I am almost finished with the big one I’ve been talking about. I hope to finish within the next day or two, depending on the time I have to spend on it. Then, there is another post I feel needs to precede that one. Thus, the big one ~should~ be posted the first week of November (~ two weeks from now).

There are many debates where the Scriptures are concerned. Some want to argue about inspiration or veracity and so on. My purpose in this post is not to argue about these, though I certainly could, and may, at some later date. Today, I just want to provide an illustration of why authorial intent is so critical to proper scholarship. I ran across this sign (below) at an apartment complex this past summer (yes, I have been so busy this is actually back-logged).

I took one of my helpers home and passed by this sign... immediately my mind started thinking about the importance of authorial intent and I just had to stop and take a picture of the sign (yes folks, I’m a dork). I thought of many different ways the sign could be interpreted and were it not for authorial intent, I would be paralyzed in knowing what to do with that spot. Below I have listed seven different interpretations of the same three-word sign, in order to illustrate the point.

1-This sign simply states “Future Resident Parking.” With the notable absence of punctuation in signs (such as my favorite one… “Slow Children Playing” :), there is no way to know exactly what this sign means unless you assume some sort of authorial intent.

2-In this case, the most natural reading would be that the parking is only for those who are not currently residents, but will be (in the sense of guaranteed to be). Thus, parking there could be considered a contract of sorts and to park there and not rent would be a breaking of the contract, which would make you liable.

3-Another way to read the sign is that there may be some problem with the spaces that has made them unfit for use (perhaps unburied mines that may explode if they are parked on). Thus, it would mean that the parking is for residents, but only in the future, not now.

4-Another way of reading it is that future residents must park there and to park anywhere else would cause them not to consider you as a resident.

5-It could also mean that this is the designated place for couples to make out or that they must make out in that spot and so on, like the variations already listed (see http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/parking definition number 6 :)

5-It may even mean that they are to orbit there for an indeterminate amount of time (again with all of the variations already discussed).

6-If you really want to go reader response, it could say anything from the equivalent of “Free ice-cream” to “bug off.” But it that is your position, who knows what I am saying to you right now.

Ok, trust me I could go on and on with this one, but I think you get the point… let’s move on. In order to discern what this sign means, you must take into account the placement of the sign (location), the way it is presented (context), who “wrote” it (authorship – see note at bottom of page*), and why (purpose). We do this intuitively in everyday life. This sign was placed in front of the renting office at an apartment complex by the management. It is there as a courtesy to those who are thinking of renting at this particular complex. It is intended to make a good impression and show that they care. Thus, is means that anyone considering renting at this complex may park there and current residents should not. Any other way of reading this sign simply makes no sense. In this case, you could go to the manager and ask them what they mean by it and, no doubt, they would say the same.

It is no different when reading scripture. We cannot go back to the author and ask what he meant when we are confused about a particular passage. However, we can look at the immediate and overall context (as well as other passages by the same author) in order to discern his intention and thus, the meaning. Simply put… reader response is nonsensical and foolish.

*note: this could easily carry us into a discussion of authorship (things like as the use of an amanuensis), since the manager didn’t actually write the sign, but anyway ;-)

Rant about Football

2007-10-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

Originally posted 12:06 am Wednesday, Jan 3 on Facebook
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Before you read the original post, let me say two things…

First, the big post I’ve been talking about is still on the way, I have just been insanely busy (to put it mildly). Thus, this post is more of a filler as I try to make sure that I post at least once a week. I hope to have that one posted within the next two weeks. The reason for the two weeks is that I need to finish typing it, have a person or two look over it, and then post something that I feel needs to precede that one.

Second, please understand that I don’t normally speak with as little grace as in the following post. As noted above, this was originally posted on Facebook and a comment or two was made about my bluntness. I can be an extremely blunt person and sometimes don’t realize how much I am. So, please understand that I do not mean to offend anyone with this, I’m just expressing my feelings in an unguarded manner.

Thanks in advance for your understanding :)

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One thing that I always forget about this time of the year is all of the stinking football!!! For the record, I can’t stand football. I don’t necessarily have anything against it per se, but really detest how it takes over this entire culture during certain times of the year (and just generally have no use for it). Also for the record, I am not a “sports” person in terms of watching stuff on TV or letting it be the sole subject of endless ‘sports’ conversations. Now, I LOVE playing different sports, but that is a different matter altogether (Football is not even one of those)! Bottom line, I think I would literally rather watch the grass grow, than watch football (this is a toss-up, but the grass would probably win :)

Yes, I realize this is not a football, but I couldn't find a pic of a flat football and have about as much enthusiasm about basketball, thus it works just as well :)

I think the following paraphrase will serve to explain my view on this quite well. I cannot take credit for the illustration (it’s from Dr. Kent Hovind – yes, cringe in fear Matt Scheffel), but can sure stand behind it. [I just don’t understand why anyone would pay a guy millions of dollars to carry a pig’s bladder down a cow pasture and then pay another guy millions of dollars to carry it back.] Beyond this, I just don’t understand why anyone would want to watch!

Yes, I realize there is more to it than this, but again, I just don’t have any use for it!

Time out please!

2007-10-08T12:28:00.000-04:00

Just a quick one here guys. I just want to let my faithful audience know (all two of you) what’s going on. Some of you are aware of a large post that I have been working on. Most of you should be aware of the fact that I was sick for about six or seven weeks. I was just beginning to feel better about the time our reading week started (and the timing was definitely the providence and grace of God). Due to the illness, I was absolutely exhausted. I was counting on the reading week to get a lot of things done academically that I had put off. I also had other obligations that I had put off. Unfortunately, my body had other ideas. I guess I was more tired than I thought because I spent the majority of the first half of the week asleep. I have never slept so much in my life. After these couple of days, I felt 100% better (some meds and some sleep and I feel better… go figure). That said, I was not able to get nearly as much accomplished over the break as I had hoped.

Thus, as much as you know I want to work on this large post / enjoy working on it (if you are aware of what I’m talking about), I must delay completing it. It is roughly half-way complete, so I promise it is coming, but I must do what is necessary before other things. I try desperately to be a man of honor and integrity. I have spoken with some of you about this and even mentioned to a few that I hoped to have it posted by the end of this past week. With the above in mind, I had hoped to finish by this afternoon, but I must focus on my scholastic obligations. Thus, I am providing this explanation.

May the Lord bless and comfort each of you as you respond to His voice!

~ Dancing around the Issue(s)?! ~

2007-09-24T05:34:00.000-04:00

This is another quandary that is very near to my heart (and my mind). This subject has come up many times and in many ways and continually frustrates me. The first section is a selection from an email sent to me by a sister in Christ. The second section is my response. I have done minimal editing, mostly to protect identities (other than myself, obviously). I am posting it in the hopes of getting some constructive feedback and analysis. I am truly interested in digging deep and figuring this out. Sometimes in life it takes an outsider’s perspective to truly understand… sometimes there are just mysteries we must learn to deal with. Thus, I now leave you to read and respond.

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Email to me (selection – in context of encouraging me to return to the dance studio)

hey, just wanted to apologize for making you uncomfortable ---. w/most people, a little encouragement/convincing works. You're not most people. I'd forgotten that till after the fact. It was interesting though. I felt like I was looking in a mirror of myself --- ago. I've changed a lot since I started dancing.Yet there are a couple of key differences. 1) you were willing to try it before you decided it wasn't for you. and 2) expected gender roles: it's a lot easier to say "ok" , than "would you like to dance?"that aside, it was good to see you, and I'm glad you're feeling better!God bless!

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My response to the above email (selection)

Hey, no apology needed, seriously. You are right, I am not most people. Generally, if I make up my mind, it is hard to sway me. However, I have not completely given up on dance, so it was not unwarranted. Further, you did not make me feel uncomfortable at all. I would not have talked about it if I were uncomfortable with the subject. I realize that I am being complex here, but I am not at all uncomfortable talking about this with you and ---… I trust you both as sisters in Christ. Beyond this, I am a very bold person in most circumstances. For whatever reason, talking about these things falls in that category and I would have no trouble talking about it with most people (though of course a little more guarded than with you two). However, asking someone to dance falls into the not-so-bold category. I have analyzed the heck out of this and can’t make any sense of it myself. I have ranged from calling myself prideful to shameful… still can’t figure it out. I think the bottom line is that I have never dated, I was raised by a single woman, and I’ve had tons of female friends. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but I simply don’t know how to “be” with women that I don’t have some sort of friendship with (except in the formal polite sense). I have always either been friends, or it was just some stranger. Further, if I am not friends with a girl, I am in this constant paradox (as a single male) of wondering if there might be something there and not wanting to needlessly lead someone on. From there, how to get to know someone that you don’t have any sort of relationship with, in order to see if there is anything at all, without being the typical “seminary creep.” Knowing (believing?) this still doesn’t help figure out the “whys.” A further paradox then becomes the fact that I enjoy dance and desire to learn more (though time is really limited) and yet, with the above, it seems much easier to wait until I meet someone and then at least I would just have one primary dance partner, thus eliminating the weirdness. This then leads me to yet another paradox in which the question becomes how do you meet someone if you are not “out” (b/c seminary seems impossible in this sense). As you can see, I end up in a logical spiral.

On top of all of the above, I don’t know enough dance to feel at all confident in just dancing. I always feel that I am boring and irritating anyone that I am with because I barely know the basics, much less anything to actually make it interesting. I know women like strong leaders and want to have fun. How can I lead if I don’t really know how to dance? Thus, to me, I am getting in the way of their enjoyment of the evening. Thus, I end up leaning against the wall bored to death and very uncomfortable (and upset with myself for being in this logical hold). Even still, I do believe that the time I have spent at the dance studio has been good for me and I have changed, at least a little, for the better (and made some great friends). Also, I am not saying that I will not come anymore. But, at least at this time, I keep running into the “brick wall” above. Also, at other dance studios (the few times I’ve been to another one), it has not been an issue at all because people are just paired up by nature of the class, thus no weird stress. Yet between time and not knowing anyone, I really don’t want to try the others. Further, I realize that I am technically addressing two separate things, but they are connected.

The most interesting / perplexing thing of all, is how polar opposite this area is to every other area of my life. If I am given authority or a job to do, I have zero problem leading and I am extremely bold. Perhaps this is also a clue… but again, I can’t figure it out.

Finally, I realize this is WAY more than you asked for (especially since you didn’t ask for anything :), but you, ---, ---, and several others have been after me to come back and I just feel that I owe you guys an honest and complete answer (at least as much as I am able to give). Also, I sincerely appreciate you acknowledging the two differences you mentioned. Though they are not mountains, they are true and it seems few acknowledge the second.

Hopefully I am making some semblance of sense here and this does not sound like aimless rambling ;-)