An Abbreviated, Short, Brisk Little Rant

I’m reminded of how faith is a gift from God and how belief is first a matter of the heart, not the head. Knowledge is a wonderful thing, but it cannot bring salvation of any kind. On its own it is a god of human imagination, a vain pursuit constantly promising what it cannot deliver. It is an open tomb, always swallowing and never being filled; it is a vacuum that ultimately collapses on itself. Apart from its creator, knowledge has no power and no direction… just like electricity is powerful and useful, but only if it’s grounded. You cannot, with knowledge or learning, convince someone of something they have decided against. You also cannot debate for the sake of debate… this too is a vain pursuit with its end in itself. You can love them, you can speak truth, but you cannot make a willfully deaf man understand.

Meditation

Also, as to aligning with particular groups and doctrinal lines… each “system” is an attempt to reconcile mysteries and as such, is a human structure built (whether solidly or not) on top of the Bible, and thus, is bound to have error. This is why I cannot seem to answer some questions around here… now, some are better than others and I more easily align with them than others, yet some are quite good save a few things or even the tweaking of a few points. If I cannot accept the whole, I cannot claim to align with said system. Thus, I don’t have a clue which particular system I “believe” because they are all in error in one manner or another, though I try my best to be aware of and intelligent on the issues involved. Thus, I know I need to learn more, desire to, and will, yet at the same time, this is why I am ignorant of terms and such. Part of it has been laziness, but part of it is in recognizing that I cannot accept these wholes. So much of this smacks of the “I am of Paul and I am of Apollos” (1 Cor 3:4). If we are truly people of the word, if we truly believe sola scriptura, then why do we so blindly hold to the traditions instead of digging in the Word for ourselves and then taking the systems as advice from elders and those more wise than ourselves.



Some will charge me with being illogical or not desiring consistency… no, quite the opposite. I am a VERY logically-oriented person and quite analytical. I cannot abide inconsistency within myself, my mind, etc. I am very logical and love systematic theology and so on. My contention is that there is more than we are capable of knowing. Thus, we should seek to know all that we can about what we can, but we should not try to force the things that have not been revealed to us. It is actually an affront to God to seek to know the hidden things that He has denied us. If you disagree, explain the Trinity. If you can explain the trinity without becoming a heretic or using this same logic, then I will change my mind. Otherwise, be consistent and admit that you can’t figure out every single thing and learn to be comfortable with mystery… we are the creatures, not the creator. Why can’t we eat this fruit? That doesn’t matter; to you it has not been revealed. Apply yourself with what you are given, but stop grasping for what you have not been. Then, take what you have been given and use it instead of bottling it up in selfishness. Deut 29.29

A Short Devotion

Living the Christian life is perplexing sometimes, and so is zeal for the Lord. Scripture teaches us that the Spirit is like the wind, it blows where it will (John 3:8). We cannot make it blow one direction or the other, nor can we generate the wind at any point. Further, we cannot determine whether it will be a whisper, a gale-force storm, or nothing at all. We are completely dependent upon God to send His Holy Spirit according to his purposes, for His glory. Living and moving in the spirit is like being a sail-boat in the midst of a great ocean. We are dependent upon the wind for movement. We cannot generate our own wind and we could never row long enough to get to safety. We can try all we want, but we will tire and fail if we attempt it. Instead, we must learn to move with the wind, to ride the current. This means being prepared for the wind’s movement and being committed to move the way the wind moves, to go left when the wind goes left and right when the wind goes right. We must let it guide us in the ebb and flow of life, gently caressing and comforting us while moving us swiftly along the ordained path.

Our job, our responsibility, is to prepare for the moving of the Spirit… the end. God’s prerogative, right, and decision is to move according to his purposes and will. Through the disciplines, such as prayer and Bible reading, we prepare ourselves for the movement of the Spirit just like a ship’s sails being properly in place, prepare it for the wind. Yet, as with a ship, having sails up in the air does not mean we will be able to move, it simply means that we are prepared to move when the wind blows and in the manner the wind wills.

There are many spectrums in the spiritual life and this is no exception. At one end of the spectrum is being slack in the disciplines. Slack disciplines are like slack sails, they spill the wind and handle it poorly, causing the ship to move poorly or erratically. When we are slack in the disciplines, we are unable to move with the full power of the Spirit. Though the Lord is willing to move us and sends His Spirit, we are poor vessels, leaking and spilling the precious gift of the Spirit and failing to move in the power thereof. We become erratic and disheartened. Sometimes we even begin to wonder if the wind is insufficient to move us, but in truth it is we who are insufficient. In those times we should recognize it is our insufficiency causing the problem. Yet, at the same time, we need to remember that Christ is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9). It is not that Christ is weak, not at all. Instead, it is that His strength is demonstrated most perfectly when we are at our weakest, when we acknowledge our weakness. It is when we are in a posture or position of being totally submitted, totally open and naked before our creator, that he is able to demonstrate His strength in amazing and perfect ways. It is then that He can pick us up in the warmth of His strong arms, holding us close to His bosom, quieting us long enough to listen to the beat of His heart.

At the other end of the spectrum is holding the sails too tightly. When the wind does blow, we are to hold the sails, but if we hold them too tightly we might believe ourselves to be the master of them, foolishly thinking we can go where we will. If the sails are held too tightly, the wind will push against the sails with tremendous force. If the sails continue to be held too tightly, then you end up in a tugging match with the wind vs you. You will not win! In the same way, if we try to use the disciplines to gain favor with God or to earn His approval, we totally miss the point. If we approach them as if they are a means to get where we want to go, we will end up going no where and even find ourselves opposing the Lord. The disciplines must be used in the way they were designed. They were designed to help us grasp the movement of the Spirit, not control it; we cannot control the wind, nor can we decide our own destination. Remember the disciplines do not make us holy; Christ’s atoning blood has already accomplished that on our behalves. Instead of trying to earn your own holiness (as if that were even possible), you must use the disciplines as tools to learn the way the Spirit moves and then set your sails accordingly.

If the wind is blowing toward the west (from the east, toward the west), you will not get anywhere setting the sails toward the east, or if you do, you’ll only end up going the opposite direction you wish to go. Further, if you stubbornly and rebelliously decide on your own course and face against the wind (toward the north or south), you will have a very hard time keeping the boat from capsizing and will eventually tire out, ruin the boat, or both. A ship in the midst of a storm must use the wind to move and be carried by it where it will, it cannot survive taking the wind broad-side. If we put up our sails the wrong way, we will likely break our mast, rip our sails, or capsize the boat. Thus, when our devotionals are on the wrong things (such as worshipping TV or the latest Christian author - ouch), we are facing the wrong way (to one degree or the other). Further, if we simply refuse to put up the sails (not doing any devotionals), we won’t move at all, but will only bob to and fro, tossed about and destined for destruction.

Yet if we do put up the sails, even if we put up the correct sails in the correct manner, we still cannot believe that this will guarantee movement, we must still wait upon the wind for movement. If performing the disciplines by themselves guaranteed movement, then we would be source of movement, providing our own salvation. God did not create us as motorboats and we cannot save ourselves. Instead, He created us as sailboats, completely dependent upon Him for all, and in all. God desires for us to grow in a deep, intimate relationship with Him. It is only when we are willing to completely submit ourselves to Him, standing naked before Him without pretense, qualification, or ideals of earning our own salvation that we are in the correct posture to be fully moved by the Spirit.

When you pray, how do you pray? What is your posture? Are you commanding the Spirit? Are you begging in disbelief, hoping somehow to get God do to your bidding? Are you praying as a means to gain favor? My friends, prayer is about posture. It’s about saying, here am I Lord! Prayer is about Christ’s kingdom and beseeching the Father to make us what He desires therein. It’s about sitting in the midst of a vast, endless ocean, totally unarmed and helpless, with sails drawn, waiting patiently and properly for the moving of His Spirit. My brother, my sister, this is freedom in Christ. If the Son has set you free, then you are free indeed!


Read Psalm 23 in a paraphrase version and pay attention to the sense of meaning it brings out as compared to a more literal version.

(note: I am usually the one telling people to avoid paraphrase versions... this time I thought it fitting :)







• List the ways you are waiting on the Lord (the key here is passive, like putting sails up and getting them ready for the wind to blow whenever it comes)



• List the things that you are powerless to do (like create the wind or determine the direction it will blow in)



• Find scriptural promises where God has already fulfilled the means to the things listed above. He has already provided, so list how he has already promised to do so.


Take a break from sin! Don’t focus on it or think about it this week. Do I have your attention? Good. Now, I’m not saying that you should use this as an excuse for sin or that you should ignore sin, not at all. Instead, I am saying not to let the accuser of the brethren, Satan, tell you how bad you are this week. This week, work on confessing your sin with an earnest heart and leaving it there. All too often, even after you have sought forgiveness and confessed your sins, even in the midst of a prayer of repentance he loves to come along and tell you that you aren’t praying right, that you aren’t doing what you should, that you didn’t get the formula right (ouch), and that the prayer is thus invalid. Listening to these types of lies just buries you further in a pit of despair for which there is no way out. Christ’s life, death, and resurrection paid the price that we could not pay, delivering us out of this very trap. Do not let the evil one trick you into thinking you are still there, this week is about freedom! Do not let that old devil twist what should be a devotional relationship with our Lord, an intimate communion, into another way to point out our failure. Instead, confess your sins to Christ and ignore the devil. That’s right, ignore him, block him out, rebuke him in the name of Jesus Christ.

1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” You see, “doing” and “not doing” are not the point. Christ has promised his children forgiveness when they ask, so confess your sins and think of how Christ bore your sin on Calvary, taking it upon himself. Let him take it for a week and don’t let it enter your mind. If you find yourself thinking of sin, write it below and next to that, describe what the Bible says about that accusation (Psalm 103:12 would be a great place to start).

The Familiar Path and the Frightened Child

A man was walking along a familiar path in the cool of the day, as was his custom. He stopped at his usual place to lean against an old oak tree and noticed a child had built a structure of some sort on a ledge just below this sturdy tree. After a few minutes, he saw the child coming toward him. Trying to be kind, and not wanting to alarm the child, he said hi. The child cordially responded “hi.” The man then rose and resumed his walk. Upon his return later that day, the man noticed that not only was the child gone, but so was the structure. There remained only a few broken pieces of what had been. As the man observed this, he couldn’t help but think that despite his efforts, he had frightened the child…

The Mystery and Beauty of Women: A Very Brief Meditation

Women (especially sisters in Christ) are truly God’s gift to men in so many ways (ways in which I can’t even begin to explain or comprehend). There is a glory and beauty in women that distinctively reflects so much of who God is and the depths of His character and love, which cannot be adequately expressed or explained. Women are a mystery as well as a blessing. I wish so much that more men recognized this… we have so much to learn from each other. By nature of being created as men and women, we reflect God’s glory differently. What I mean is that we are each made in the image of God, but through the filter of male and female, it is expressed quite differently (oh the vastness of that image that makes it such!).

To provide an analogy: If you think in terms of angled mirrors… one mirror may be at angle “A” and another may be at angle “B.” They are both mirrors, there is no qualitative difference whatsoever. Yet, the angle will determine what is reflected and how it is reflected. Or better yet think of prisms. Pure white light enters and is then refracted and reflected by the prism. The very angle that the light is bent determines the color (or colors) that are displayed. Thus, by design, we each bear the Imago Dei, yet reflect quite different aspects of that glorious and mysterious image.

Also by design, we naturally seek those in whom the Spirit of Christ dwells / is evident. The Spirit bears witness and deep calls unto deep. Add to this the fact that women reflect the image so very differently than men and it should be obvious why a Godly woman so inspires and motivates a man who is already pursuing the Lord, to pursue Him even more. Though he truly seeks her, he is also striving after that part of the image she reflects so very differently than he does. The closer she is to the Lord, the more he will be drawn to her and the more he is drawn to her, the more he will pursue the Lord. With this understanding, is it any wonder that we men are so drawn to our sisters, and ultimately our wife?! It is very good!

This also speaks to the incredible influence a woman has on a man. It is an influence that must be subjected to Christ as it can be a source of blessing or cursing… I wish more women realized this. Women, married or not, it would be very wise of you to meditate on and seek the wisdom of an elder lady in Christ on this one. Also, begin praying for the Lord to help you never to sway your husband away from the Lord or His will… it will be easier than you think.

Spring Time Fun

Though I know some of you are tired of waiting and tired of hearing it… trust me, the series is still coming… I hope to be able to start serious work on it in the next couple of weeks. Thanks so much for your patience :)
________

Wow, as much as I love Winter… Spring is, in truth, probably my favorite time of year. It is still cool enough to keep me from overheating, yet it is so beautiful as life begins anew and so many outdoor activities are once again possible. Without explaining the age-old analogy… what a beautiful picture of the Gospel!!!


The first truly BEAUTIFUL day of the year… it was truly perfect. Being as warm natured as I am, I am not one to just sit outside when warmer weather is present (work is one thing, but not leisure), yet today was so incredibly perfect I just couldn’t help it. I decided to go out in the main court area of the Seminary, read, and soak in the blessings of the day. I really don’t know how many hours I was out there, but it was so much fun. Of course I was blessed to see so many of my friends out there at different points as well. On top of enjoying my studies, today was truly a gift from the Lord in many ways. First, I am finally not only caught up with school work, but am in a position to have a little breathing room (very little as I have a big test and a paper first thing next week, but still). I hate being behind and love being ahead, so my spirits were already much higher. Second, the day itself was a blessing of being surrounded by unspeakable beauty and meditative comfort. I could not have designed a more perfect “relaxing / meditative” day if I had taken weeks to try to plan it. Thus, all I can do is relish in the goodness of my great God and Savior, Jesus Christ. He is so VERY good to us, may we be reminded of this at all times!!!

Days like today are most certainly an answer to prayers such as this one http://a-hawk.blogspot.com/2007/06/prayer-and-meditation.html

Scattered Words and Empty Thoughts

Sorry guys, this one is a hodge-podge… there are at least 4 different posts in this one, yet I just don’t have the time to write anything substantive right now as I am truly overloaded with school work right now.


Exodus 20:20 is really where the Lord has been speaking to me, especially in terms of relationship. He is testing me in many ways in order to see if I will indeed honor Him, or grumble and trade the perishable for the imperishable; may none of us settle for the perishable… trading trinkets for treasures and filth for fulfillment!!! I am in the wilderness, being tested... may I trust only in Him and may I never grumble, for in His perfect time and way I shall indeed receive the reward, if I remain in Him!!!

Rachel has died and I mourned for her, yet Christ is able to raise to life again those who have fallen asleep. Perhaps I was drunk and it was really Leah the whole time, though even when drunk it is hard to mistake gold for dirt… then again, perhaps I am not Jacob. Perhaps also there is drunkenness on the other side and vision only in the forms of trees. There is no way to know at this point, but no matter what I shall set my face as a flint and march ever forward, directed by my loving Father!

True joy in Christ comes in knowing that Christ is working and moving in our lives, not in getting what we want (no matter how wonderful it may be or may seem), or in understanding how or why He moves in the ways He does. My joy and trust is in the Lord and my heart is His, so I can only rejoice that He is working, however incomprehensibly. It is not for the thing created to question or doubt, but to submit in all joy and with all thankfulness to an infinitely benevolent, sovereign, and good Savior who is both near and far!!! Thus, there is only joy, love, and confidence, not pain. Times like these test the measure of our faith and trust in God’s sovereign plan. He has directed my every step and He will continue to do so, thus how can I be anything but joyful and filled with all love and comfort?! Further, I am speaking my heart, not trying to give some theological treatise – to me theology is not a subject of study, it is life… we do not believe something if we do not live it. We cannot truly study something apart from life and we cannot truly live apart from study! We cannot compromise on the balance of Transcendence and Immanence!!! I have truly learned much and I am so thankful for the way the Lord has worked and allowed me to see His hand the entire time (though of course never knowing where it was going). Thus, I am overflowing in true joy in Christ and drinking in undeserved blessings!
























*and yes, the title was taken from a Jeremy Camp song, though I don't know why it came to mind in particular :)

Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Supplement to Part Two B – Analyzing Overanalyzing

Of course the rest of the series is coming, but I am once again drowning in my studies and other things, so please continue in patience. Thanks!

______________________________________________________________
Previously in the Series:

*Preliminary: A Confession From the Heart
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part One: Intro and Background
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part Two: Tickle Me Elmo Goes Berserk!
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part Two B: Tickle Me Elmo Goes Berserk!

______________________________________________________________




Hey guys, I finished writing this post on November 19, 2007 and just haven’t felt the need / felt it was time to post it. Yet, it provides a good supplement to the second part of the “Brothers and Sisters” series. Thus, here you go!
____



Analyzing Overanalyzing

As usual, I ask that you give me some time to set things up. In this post, I will be discussing abuse and healing through Christ, directly from my own life, manifested in my tendency to overanalyze. To do this, I must first give some background info before addressing the real issue… thus, this post is a little bit upside-down. Thanks ;)

Once in a while, I will be speaking to someone and they will look down at my right leg for one reason or another, shifting visual focus as we all tend to do, and they will notice a scar. They are usually very polite and wait until an appropriate moment to inquire about it. It is then that they want to hear the story of how I became scarred. It does not bother me, we all have scars and it can be an interesting “sharing of stories” to explain to each other how we did this or that, that resulted in one injury or the other. For some it is their own stupidity or craziness, while for others it is the result on another’s carelessness, or even abuse. For the scar on my leg, it was the stupidity of not listening to my mom. After Hurricane Hugo in ’89, despite warnings not to run in the rain, I was excited and hyper (those who know me are saying “go figure”), so I ran through a muddy area (in the rain), avoiding all of two or three seconds of additional time. As I ran, I tripped over a tree root and went crashing to the ground where a broken brick was waiting for my leg. After a lot of doctor visits with lots of painful scraping and shots and a lot of time, my leg began to heal. Today, there is still a noticeable scar that reminds me of the disobedience, the events, the pain, and the healing.

It is interesting the different types and levels of injury that we face, and the responses that are necessary for proper healing. For minor damage or abuse, scarring is often nonexistent or very minor and requires very little attention, such as when a friend hurts our feelings by being a little crass one time. These usually amount to nothing in the end and are so insignificant they are like paper cuts. They hurt for a moment, but then go away. For slightly more elevated damage or abuse, such as a minor betrayal, scarring occurs, but can be easily overcome through the proper means of care and healing. Thus, over time, the scar is virtually invisible. Even at this level though, if the proper means of care and healing are not pursued, the wound can remain open causing more pain and infection and, though it will eventually heal, the injury will not heal properly. For severe cases of damage or abuse, such as sustained harm or treachery, the wound is so severe and so deep, that without some type of emergency care, the person will die. This can often leave the person either temporarily or permanently debilitated in some way. Sometimes it is a certain type of pain with a specific movement, other times it is a missing limb. These types of wounds take time to heal and will only heal properly with the proper guidance and a willingness to follow directions from someone who knows what is needed. This process can be excruciatingly time-consuming, painful, and debasing, but it is necessary.

I am not trying to be cliché, but we all have scars… not physically, though that is probably true too, but emotionally and spiritually. We have all been wounded and we have all been scarred in one manner or another. Often times we try to gloss over them as if they have no impact upon us. Other times, we deal with them partially, but only enough to get by. Other times, we assume the emergency care provided is sufficient for all time and we never go back to receive and perform the physical therapy that is needed to regain full health and full function. If this is not the case, we will sometimes go to the physical therapy until we “feel” better. Upon subjectively feeling better, we discontinue the treatments that the doctor has warned us to finish, thinking that we are all of a sudden more intelligent, even though the doctor is the one that has guided us safely thus far and just happens to be the expert.

In this post, I am addressing the lattermost scenario, in my own life. The continuing symptoms are my tendency to overanalyze, especially when new relationships are being formed. Now, before I explain the history, let me make very clear that I do not agree with strains of modern psychology that say every “bad” thing in our lives is directly because of our parents. This type of thinking is designed to blame-shift so as to make a person feel better, though never really bringing healing. The fact is that things in our lives can influence us, some more strongly than others, but we still bear ultimate responsibility for how we handle and respond to those situations. So, I am not blame-shifting in this section, but simply explaining the root (influencing factor) of the problem. Also, let me be abundantly clear that though we as humans can put band aids on things with our own effort, they do nothing where true healing is concerned. True healing comes only through submission to Christ and allowing Him to bring healing where and how it is needed. Thus, Christ may use people (and often does), but He is the reason, means, and effecter of any genuine change and healing.

Some of you who know me personally may know the story with my dad, some may not. Even for those that know the story, it is unlikely that you know all of it. As I have referenced in the past, I cannot and will not go into too many details of this story because it involves people other than myself, whom I am obligated to protect. Even still, I can and will share a few things in order to be able to make sense out of my conclusion. I will say it plainly, based on scripture, my dad was / is an evil man (I pray for his salvation, but thus far, he does not know Christ). Though I cannot go into other details, I can describe in some small way how difficult and abusive my dad was when I lived with him. To put it simply, my dad was an abusive drunk. Every moment of every day was volatile. You could wake up in the morning, go to the restroom, be on your way back to your room, and the next thing you know, he is yelling, screaming, and sometimes becoming physical. Why? Good question! There was literally no telling. It could be that he just remembered something he wanted to be mad about from a month ago, it could be that the sound of the toilette woke him up and that angered him, it could be that he simply hadn’t slept well the night before and was ready to vent his anger, it could be that he had a hangover, or that he was still drunk. I could literally go on and on describing to you the “possible” scenarios. The problem is that when your dad is barreling toward you, threatening, yelling, sometimes hitting or whatever, you don’t have time to think about or sort through these things. Even more troubling, is that what may upset him one day, may be demanded the next day. As an example, you walk into the room (because you didn’t know he was there or you would have simply waited), and greet him. One minute, that may be considered disrespect, and literally the next minute, it may be considered disrespect not to. Thus, no matter what you do, you do not know from one MOMENT to the next what action will set him off and what will not. Notice the use and emphasis of the word “moment.” This is not an exaggeration. It was not week by week or day by day, but moment by moment. Moment by moment, the exact same action could produce two entirely different reactions, with any variance in between.

Beyond these, the things he would say would be the most despicable and soul-tearing that he could possibly come up with. He was a master manipulator, even priding himself on this ability to control others. Thus, not only did you not know what action would set him off, but you didn’t know how it would be twisted so as to be entirely your fault. Whatever defense you might try to put up, would only entice him to go further and hurt you deeper. Even when he was not there, there was always the fear of when he would return and what would upset him. You are constantly the one at fault and very unworthy of his love for being so bad. Even still, he loves you even though you hurt him and if you truly love and care for him you wouldn’t be acting that way. Ok, stop! Wait just a second… If you didn’t catch what I just said, reread this paragraph. Manipulation is SO subtle, yet SO powerful. Those last two sentences may seem like total nonsense to you if you have never been through something like this, but for those who have, it rings very true. The manipulation and mental reprogramming is just that quick and even more subtle. It works its way into your life and even your OWN thinking. As Hitler said, tell a lie long enough and loud enough and people will believe it. How much more when it is your own father or someone for whom you care?!

Thus, you live in sinking sand, a state of constant fear of punishment, shame, guilt, danger, and a surety of rejection no matter what you do; and this at the hands of the one that is supposed to love, care for, and nurture you unconditionally. Survival and avoiding danger become the goal of all of life. Thus, every single action, or non-action, must be carefully weighed in terms of what is least likely to cause a blow-up and what will bring about the minimum danger, given the person’s current posture (which is unknown until afterward and can’t be trusted to remain consistent anyway). Your presupposition, through experience, becomes that no matter your actions, trouble will come, thus you must try to minimize it. Learning to survive involves quick thinking, sometimes deception, and the ability to analyze all possible outcomes from a given scenario, both ahead of time and in the moment, and to choose the one that brings the least pain and destruction. Thus, over time, you become quite skilled at all three of these things, though through twisted glass.

For a while after these things I did not let anyone “inside” emotionally. I was very cold and untrusting. Eventually, I allowed a select few in, and so on and so on. It was only because of the Spirit of Christ that I was not completely hardened and shut-off during these times. Through much time, reading, prayer, and help from my mother, I eventually became a fairly open and trusting person. This did not come quickly or easily though. It took years of prayer and hard work, learning to trust and to forgive. Eventually, through the emotional healing and the mental transformation wrought by Christ, I was no longer noticeably scarred and even came to be able to help others through similar circumstances.

Both during and after these things, Christ was with me, helping me, and healing me. I thank God every time I think back on these things that I was saved by His grace beforehand. Even still, they were very difficult, especially from the perspective of someone who was so young and trying to honor and love his earthly father. Thanks be to Christ that my Heavenly Father is truly in charge! Yes, you heard (read) me correctly, God brought these things into my life and I am thankful for them. Don’t get me wrong, I would not wish them on anyone, but I thank God for them because I would not be who I am today without them. What men meant for evil, God meant for good. He has so much more glory through this story than he would have had I simply had an easy life. I am thankful because He brought me through these things and has not left me alone, but has been with me the whole way. Further, He didn’t just leave me, but has used these things to help forge me into His image even more. He has helped me to learn from these things. For example, my drive for total honesty, authenticity, and sincerity are not merely factors of my personality, though they are in part, but they come from a deep-rooted desire to avoid deception and manipulation, having seen their end result and the destruction that follows. Further, Christ has used these events to enable me to help others that have gone through, or are going through, similar circumstances. I could write countless more reasons and meditations, but hopefully you get the point. Thus, through His eyes, I can say that I am thankful that Christ has worked so wonderfully in my life!

Well, this sounds like a typical testimony where the person has been through some bad stuff and though Christ, this sounds like a complete story, right? Wrong! Though this has been my understanding for many years now, this is only part of the story. You see, though I have been healed of the trauma, there is still a scar there. Though most of the time is seems as if I am completely healed and have worked through all of the issues related to these circumstances, the truth is that there is still scar tissue. For anyone with any sort of medical knowledge, you know that scars form anywhere trauma has occurred. However, scar tissue, the result of the body’s self-preservation, can sometimes bring its own complications. Thus, even after a complete healing, there may be remnant reminders of the trauma.

Ok, with this understanding, where does that leave me? Hang on and let me explain :). Another thing that anyone who knows me knows, is that I am generally, and try to be, fairly introspective. I believe it is the duty of all Christians to continually seek Christ’s healing in every aspect of their lives. Through Christ, this brings renewing of the mind and redemption of past memories and events. It is only when we see these things through the lens of Christ, that genuine healing can take place, as described in the section above, leading to a healthy self in Christ. However, this means continually observing the self (yourself, who you truly are now), through the lens of Christ (who you have been declared to be), watching actions, attitudes, motives, and reasoning. This means that we are not simply healed one time and can then assume that all is well. No, we must continue in vigilance, watching for trouble-causing scar tissue! Thus, when we read, pray, or meditate, we are not doing so only on the words of scripture within themselves, but allowing these things to penetrate us at the deepest level, being laid naked, open, and bare before Him, ultimately allowing Christ to reveal to us the areas where He still has work to do, to make us more like Him. This is what it means to let the scriptures become a mirror. Again, anyone who knows me knows that this is my heart’s desire, though they also clearly know that I have not achieved this.

Unfortunately, we are often blind to our own shortcomings. Even things that others can clearly see, we often cannot. Sometimes I believe this is the grace of God, for we would truly be overwhelmed were we to even see a portion of the work that needs to be done. Sometimes is a coping mechanism, if you will, where we choose to ignore certain things so that we can accept the whole. However, other times, I believe it is laziness, not wanting to do the work associated with growing in and through Christ. Still other times, blindness comes through assumptions. We assume an area is “ok” or “all clear / good enough.” Finally, and even more often, it is a combination of some of these. My friends, let it not be so! Every aspect of who we are has been touched by sin, thus only Christ can reveal truth and declare anything “all clear.” This declaration will not be completed until we are with Him at the end of days, thus, we must remain watchful and vigilant.

With these things as background, one aspect of my personality that has driven me nuts, as well as those around me sometimes, is my tendency to overanalyze. Now, to some degree this tendency is part and parcel with the type of intellect the Lord has given me. It is, and has always been, part of my nature to analyze and think about things. This is not inherently bad. However, there is an extension of this that is very bad. I have been aware of it for years and have spent much time meditating and praying over it, seeking an answer as to the cause and thus the deepest redemption of this aspect in Christ. At times I have felt so close to an answer and deliverance, while at others feeling like giving up on it. Even without understanding things completely, Christ has been working in my life. Believe it or not, this tendency within me has decreased dramatically over the years, but, even still, has not been truly corrected. In recent history, I am only aware of my overanalyzing “showing up” in two different, but related, circumstances. Below I will try to reason through both circumstances.

The first and the worst, is in developing new relationships. In general I consider myself to be a fairly trusting and open person. I give everyone a certain level of trust and really have no problem talking with anyone about almost anything (except where wisdom dictates that I not); writing deeply personal thoughts like this and posting them on a blog is evidence enough. Thus, by all appearances, it would seem that I am completely well in terms of the things mentioned above. Yet, in these situations, it is a non-personal openness and trust. I am not honestly concerned with what a person thinks of me in these general terms. There is no necessary intimacy, thus if there is a misunderstanding or if the person thinks negatively, it really doesn’t bother me at all. Their opinion is that of one with whom I have no relationship and, therefore, doesn’t matter in the grand scheme. However, when there is a new relationship being formed, I have tended to overanalyze things at first in order to try to ensure that they have not changed and that I am being upfront with them. You see, now that there is some level of necessary intimacy, their opinion matters very much (of course, bearing in mind that Christ’s is the only one that matters in the ultimate sense). But, therein is the “in” and “out” label that I didn’t think existed anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I knew some people were closer to me than others, but I didn’t realize that such a large distinction existed within my internal labeling of others. There is a sense in which making sure people are “on the same page” is good, but we must make sure that our motives are truly for understanding and clarification, not an unhealthy result of trust issues. This subtle difference can truly make all the difference and due to the fact that we tend to do these things at an unconscious or automated level, it can be exceedingly difficult to discern and seem a nonsensical distinction (Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall – 1 Cor 10:12).

For me, the overanalyzing often turns into extended periods of questioning every angle of a given issue in order to ensure that both the other person and I have the same picture in mind. This becomes maddening for me as there are so many possible meanings to so many different things and I end up in this sort of mental lock, feeling trapped within reason and logic, despite my effort to avoid that. Further, I know it is exceedingly frustrating for the other person, which simply adds to my own frustration because now in seeking to avoid conflict and confusion, I have created it and frustrated the one with whom I was seeking to avoid frustration. Yet it seems clarification is needed to correct the confusion, and even still, any effort to correct may be considered even more frustrating and may in fact lead to more confusion. Thus, the problem creates the problem and feeds upon itself. At this point, North no longer exists; all sense of an ability to communicate effectively dissipates.

For the past few years, I have considered this an annoying, but necessary part of getting to know someone. It has usually only lasted a very short time, upon first really getting to know the person. Once I feel confident that there is a level of trust in intention (note the word intention, not speech), the overanalyzing goes away completely until the second circumstance listed below. The second circumstance is much shorter in duration and much less intense. It occurs either after an extended period of discord with, or absence from someone that I care about. It is a sort of “realigning” or a “maintenance check” to see that we are still on the same page.

Ok, now to really get to the heart of this post. I have realized for a while my tendency to overanalyze, yet have been unable to find its cause. The problem is that I assumed everything in the “dad” category was taken care of, because so much of it has been. I realized that it was potentially possible that there were remnants of scarring, but, in truth, I wasn’t meditating on the present circumstances (overanalyzing) in light of the scarring to see if there was a “match.” This has proven to be a grave mistake.

Last night (November 18) was a major breakthrough. Once again, I find myself thankful for an insightful mother, who will be honest with me. I was discussing the overanalyzing thing with her and, though I cannot now remember her exact words, she said very plainly that it was probably due to having to be that way with dad. Upon receiving this and meditating on it, I realized that she was, once again, correct. As I discussed above, with dad nothing was trustworthy. Thus, in order to survive, I always had to read between the lines analyzing every potentiality, trying desperately to avoid “bad.” With someone who is acting with evil intentions and not being honest, this is a very good thing to do and will keep you out of a lot of trouble. The problem is that with someone who is being honest and sincere, it serves only to divide and drive everyone crazy. Just like in the medical field, sometimes a “cure” given to someone who is not “sick” actually causes sickness, and even death. So too in interpersonal relationships, especially in the beginning, this causes much trouble and even separation.

Thus, for me, overanalyzing is nothing short of selfishness and a skewed view of the other person, caused by neglecting the existence of scar tissue. It is not personal against the other person, as in they have done anything in particular, but rather an initial / default skepticism for anyone with whom I am growing close. As such, it is sinful. We are not to expect others to come close to us before drawing close to them. This goes so contrary to the idea of transparency and love, that I am baffled at finding it within myself, as these are two things I strive for continually. I know that I shouldn’t be surprised as I recognize that I am evil and wicked apart from Christ, yet somehow we are all surprised when we find sin in our lives. In this, I am reminded once again that we are so INSANELY self-deceived and that we will never stop finding major sin areas in our lives until we are in heaven with Christ. I mean, forget individual sins, we’re talking entire areas, entire regions of blind spots. If you don’t believe in total depravity, please explain this one to me! How can you strive for something with all that you are and find yourself attaining to a very small degree, yet going in the opposite direction at the same time? As soon as we feel we have conquered something, we have just proven ourselves false. With greater maturity comes greater insight. With greater insight, the greater our sin becomes. The greater our sin becomes, the more in need of Christ we are. This is both beautiful and frustrating. It forces us away from ourselves and leaves us with no option aside from Christ!

In terms of my tendency to overanalyze… over the years, some people have handled this quite graciously and lovingly. I am so thankful for those that have as this was not something I truly had the ability to sort through until now. Other people have not and I honestly can’t say that I blame them. To both I must say that I am sincerely sorry and hereby ask your forgiveness. The mark of genuine repentance is change and it is my sincere desire to prove myself genuinely repentant before Christ for this sin. Historically, the Lord has worked quickly in my life upon revealing sin, so I pray that I will respond just as quickly. Thus, I ask for grace where I am bound to mess up and prayer so that I may succeed.

Two final thoughts. The first, is that we are all wounded and scarred. If we say that we are not, we are deceived. If we see a brother or sister fall, we ought to help them, but we are also supposed to look inward, to make sure that we do not fall in the same manner. We are all wounded warriors and wounded healers. Thus, I urge you to introspection before Christ, for it is people such as us (the foolish among fools) that He calls to His work!

The second closing thought, is that we ought to be joyful when sin is revealed. I am so immensely thankful to Christ for revealing this to me. First, because it will help me avoid hurting others (wounded beget wounded, wounds cause wounds). Second, because it is direct evidence of the working of Christ in my life. I am His child and He is actively working in my life to bring me closer to Him. Though correction may hurt for a moment, it is a sweet kind of pain that ensures sanctification before and an ever-deepening relationship with Christ. I am overflowing in His Spirit, with tears of joy streaming down my face even as I type this for being counted worthy to be corrected though I deserve to be left in my sin… it is an amazing thing!!! May the Lord continue to break, purge, and purify my heart, drawing me ever-closer to Him!


... to Christ alone, for where else would I go… all too often I am Oholibah!





___________UPDATE

Ok, to provide an update. As you can see above, I actually wrote this a while back (today is February 18, 2008 and the date above was November 18, 2007 – ha, I promise that was not intentional… kinda funny actually). Though I have noticed one or two times where I have overanalyzed since I wrote the above things, I do have to stand in agreement with what I said about the Lord working quickly in my life. Aside from the minor things I just referenced, I have noticed a completely different outlook, entirely different. There have been two major ways that Christ has helped me in defeating this. First, in turning it over to Him, admitting my sin and standing in my brokenness, He has changed my perspective (renewing of the mind and heart). Thus, for the most part only specific triggers remained. These will take longer to work out and though I believe the Lord has worked mightily in my life in this area, I would not be naive enough to say that they are gone. Thus, I recognized that the triggers still exist. Yet, the second way that Christ has helped me to defeat this (again renewing of the mind), is that the Spirit has prompted me when one of the triggers occurs and in recognizing it as such, I was able to immediately step back and turn it over to Him. Thus, as time moves on, I am confident that in Christ, this will disappear and it will be time to work on the next major area (if I’m not already in the midst of it by then).




___________PROMISED CLARIFICATION ON “JUGGLING”


Ok, I promised to give a more detailed description of the juggling itself. I am not sure how to seamlessly integrate this in the above post without much restructuring, so I am simply adding it to the end.

Now to tie this directly to the previous post. In many ways it may be obvious by now why I have tended to overanalyze in the past, yet I have not explained the three realms. Though I won’t go into any real detail, I will at least introduce them in order to help you better understand my meaning. Also, I will speak to these specifically in terms of working toward a dating relationship as that fits the context moving from the mole mentioned in the first section to the subject of overanalyzing in the second. Thus, the minimal background is that I have never dated in my life until very recently. Though many reasons could be cited, the bottom line is that I was not where I needed to be with the Lord and I knew it. Thus, how can I possibly date and lead someone if I am not following in the way that I ought?! There were different seasons with different reasons for each, but they were all about not being where I needed to be with the Lord and again, I knew it. Yet, even knowing this, I knew that I was to marry, that I was created to marry. Thus, even though I knew I was not yet to date, I spent time trying to prepare myself and meditating on things related to dating and ultimately marriage. Before moving on, I must confess that there were two points in the past that I grew tired of waiting and despite knowing I was not ready, asked someone out. In both of those cases, the Lord proved himself to be in control and didn’t allow even the first date. I am so thankful to God for protecting those sisters from my weakness, as even then, I knew it wasn’t right… it was a lack of faith and the classic human sin of thinking I knew more than God. To bring things into perspective and up-to-date; I am finally ready, and I know it. This past October (’07) the Lord brought revival to my life after a period of disobedience. It was such a great time and I am still basking in the renewing action of the Spirit and so much of the past study is now bearing fruit in the renewed soil of my life. God is SO good and His Spirit testifies continually! Ok, testimony over, let us once again review the “ancient past.”

____
Now, to quickly recap, here’s an excerpt from the previous post:

As I admitted to you in the previous post, I used to be a “mole.” In everyday life, I am quite bold, especially where the Gospel is concerned (and to my shame… sometimes it spills over into arrogance). My primary gifting is the gift of prophecy (and no, I am not going to chase that rabbit right now), thus, I have zero trouble taking a stand or being bold. Yet, until about a year ago, when it came to relationship with girls, I was the polar opposite. I have always had female friends, and that was “safe” so I really didn’t have any trouble there. Yet, when it came to the thought of dating, I was a mole. I have driven myself nuts (or at least more so :) over the years trying to figure out why this was such a big deal to me. There were three primary things that I would look at, in isolation, and try to see if “that” could be the cause. Thus, in the “back of my mind” (or whatever term you prefer for that), these three things would be swirling around. Unable to pin one of them down, I would “pick up” one of the “balls” I was juggling, look at it, and say, “yeah, I can see where this might have something to do with it, but it doesn’t completely explain it. I would then place that one back in “the mix” and pick up the next one. I would repeat this over and over, but never arrive at a conclusion since none of them individually explained the issue. The problem with this method is that my problem was the combination or amalgamation of three different, but related things (this will be explained much more in-depth in a future post entitled “Analyzing Overanalyzing”). Bottom line, juggling is where we take one thing from a complex structure and try to see if that “one” explains the whole. This is logically impossible as one isolated thing can never explain a complex structure. The truth can sometimes be (and often is) revealed when “all three” are seen together. It is when we see all of the issues and the “shape” they collectively make, that we can clearly match it up to the problem. This is sort of like taking a shard from a key and trying to open a door instead of taking the collective whole and then being able to unlock the door. Unfortunately, there is only confusion until we can see how they interact. Thus, I fear for some of my sisters and pray for their healing (as well as my own).
____

The first realm that I recognized as a contributing factor was simply the untrusting and skeptical mentality that develops in abusive situations. It is natural (humanly speaking) to become this way and even resort to anger and total distrust. Thus, when I would look at this in isolation, I would say something like “yes, I see where this might have something to do with it, yet, I am trusting and open in general, so that doesn’t make sense, that doesn’t explain it. Why would this be any different? Well, the simple answer is that it is different because it is a different kind of trust and relationship.

The second realm was that of self-evaluation. In most ways I had to fight arrogance and though I hope I am still winning the battle, I am ever-mindful that it is a struggle if I don’t watch it. Yet, when it came to relationship, I had zero real confidence and I couldn’t figure out why. I felt of basically zero value and / or worth and entirely unattractive. I could honestly and with a straight face tell you I didn’t know why any girl would be interested in me. But, I couldn’t figure out why that was the case when in every other area I was completely confident (and again, sometimes overconfident). Then I would look back at the situation with my dad as well as other things in my past and realize that dad was constantly putting me down. I lost count of how often he would say very hurtful things such as you are fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, selfish, and I could truly go on and on and on. Also, due to other issues, many of them would come from others. Frankly, living in those circumstances, you don’t really care about certain things such as homework or watching your health. Thus, in those circumstances, it becomes self-fulfilling prophecy wherein I was actually fat and I had bad grades and so on and certainly very few people wanted to be around me. Thus, when the evidence seems to support consistent claims from someone who is supposed to protect and be honest with you, you believe it at the deepest level. It took me a long time to overcome these consistently repeated evaluative judgments from my own father, but over time, thought Christ, I did. Yet, because relationship is something infinitely more personal than regular friendships, the healing also had to be at the deepest level. It turns out that those things were still in the back of my mind, though unknown to me. Again, I would recognize that these things could have played a part, yet, I had previously “checked them off” as being “done” or “dealt with.” Thus ignoring them in the present and not truly being healed of both the wound and the scar.

The third realm was simply inexperience. As I have said several times, I simply had never dated and thought that perhaps I was just nervous or something. Well, once again, there is something to this, yet given how bold I am in general, that just didn’t seem to explain more than a potentially “fluttering stomach.” It certainly didn’t explain why there would be such a huge block where relationship was concerned. Yet, once again, this was a contributing factor.

Well, hopefully it is easy to see how none of these could single-handedly explain my problem and why there seemed to be evidence that they could not be. Again, the problem with my evaluation of things was that I was taking each one in isolation. None of the three seemed to be able to explain it, especially when the counterpoint was given. Yet, when (thanks to my mom) I finally looked at them as a collective whole, the picture came into focus. I wasn’t able to pin any of them because I was juggling them and not seeing how the three fit together to form the amalgam. Once the hardened shape was seen, I was able to prayerfully allow Christ to bring healing in my life and redeem these aspects of my life. What a wondrous thing and what a marvelous Savoir. It is truly amazing (beyond words or comprehension) why Christ would save me, but even more than that, why He would care so much as to help me in this life too!!!

Well, hopefully this section will at least help you better understand what I meant by juggling and how it is played out in a real life. Perhaps even more than this, Christ can use yet another testimony to help someone who is struggling. If anyone wishes to talk or just needs an ear or shoulder, I am here and willing to help as Christ will allow me, just email me (you can find my email on the main profile page, or leave a comment). Finally, believe me no credit is deserved on my part. These things have not been a matter of my strength or insightfulness, but instead, it is all of, by, and for Christ… SOLI DEO GLORIA!!!

Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part Two B: Tickle Me Elmo Goes Berserk!

______

Well, I must apologize once again for taking so long between the parts of this series. The last month has proven to be a very trying one for me in every way, thus my concentration has not been what it ought to be. Hopefully the delay will prove itself worth the wait as it is much better (in my opinion) both in organization and content than what I would have posted last time. Thus, I have once again had to sub-divide this particular part due to the length. This part will be broken into three sections. Thus, the first was posted last time, this section is the second, and the third will deal with the reciprocation between the male and female actions and reactions. I hope that the third will be posted with MUCH less delay than this one, yet I must simply ask for your patience at this point. I will write each part whenever I can and post as soon as I am (at least somewhat) comfortable with it. As always, I ask that you to continue to pray for me as I sincerely desire to honor Christ in my thoughts, my life, and my writings!

Also, you may (or may not) notice a difference in my “speech” in this post. Well, I guess it always depends on my mood / mindset when I actually sit down to type, but it is also because I think I am dealing with much more sensitive issues this time and I want to make sure that my writing reflects that. Beyond that, I am speaking more to women than men in this one and believe that a little more tenderness is needed.

Oh, and one more “housekeeping” item: Though the interaction has not been what I would desire, I have had several requests for clarification or expansion. I will be including my response to those requests, as well as any that come from this one, at the end of the next post.


______________________________________________________________
Previously in the Series:

*Preliminary: A Confession From the Heart
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part One: Intro and Background
*Brothers and Sisters are We (?/!) – Part Two: Tickle Me Elmo Goes Berserk!

______________________________________________________________






Female Reactions and Related Problems

Ok, thus far, I’ve been pretty rough on the guys. However, there are two sides to this coin. With the above, the ladies generally react in one of four ways (two of which are related). The first I will only address by saying that they figure out how to be healthy, sanctified, and righteous in the midst of the insanity. How they do it, I could describe to some degree, and will address it indirectly in part 6, but really the bottom line is that Christ is their center, their focus. They derive their worth from Him and trust in Him and His plan and are confident in Him. The other reactions are to hide, to shut down, and to become prideful. These will be addressed below. Please, once again, bear in mind that I am not a girl. These are simply my observations and insights gained through conversation and life with my sisters. Also bear in mind that these three are not necessarily connected or a progression. Often, they will show up together, yet often they will not.


--Hiding (External Withdrawal)

The first way some ladies react is to externally withdraw, to hide, as it were. External withdrawal is primarily prior to the beginning of a relationship (avoidance would be the more accurate term) and can show up in numerous ways. In this section I will address the most obvious, yet ask you to bear in mind that it can be much more subtle than this. Due to the seemingly constant barrage, some simply avoid guys and sometimes refuse to date any. They often stick with only girl friends and stay away from common areas (including hiding in the dorms). I mean, experience has taught them that to show any kindness will almost inevitably bring unwanted weirdness and insanity into their lives. Further, they don’t want to be rude, but in order to be in a common area, they feel compelled to be civil, which means the possibility of unwanted attention. Much of the time, to my understanding, it is not the fact of the attention… it is that it can be overwhelming from even one guy, much less what seems like every guy that you meet. From there, by nature of the frequency, male interest seems less and less sincere as time passes. It is special when a guy or two demonstrate interest, but it can seem completely insincere from a number of guys. So, despite desiring a relationship (in many cases, not all – there’s another one for the guys to get), they are so overwhelmed that they don’t really know what do to. I guess it would be like working at a job that you love, but the boss asking you to do a week’s worth of full-time work in a 6 hour shift (can’t think of a better analogy… suggestions girls?). Thus, they are sort of stuck. They want to remain healthy, but don’t feel like they can in these circumstances. Thus, it is easier to “focus on God and trust Him for the timing” (I will address this later). I can’t say that I blame them, but hiding just further compounds the problems (on both sides). The girls become less comfortable with the guys, who are now seeing the field as that much more narrow. Not to mention that without a “breather” some girls will continue to feel like they are drowning… thus, seemingly never be “ready.” Again, I can’t really say that I blame them. I mean, as a martial artist, even within the context of “friendly sparring” two on one can be a little intimidating, especially if they are bold fighters. To bring it back to the situation at hand, with a two-to-one ratio in any context, especially one so “confused” as what is described above, it would be very hard not to want to simply remove yourself or avoid the “fight” altogether. Thus, for some girls, avoiding guys (externally withdrawing) seems the best way to handle things.

There are a few words I can say to these ladies. First, I am praying for you (no, seriously I am, if you are on this campus or if I know you, I am praying for you). Second, I can understand this reaction in part, but not truly. Third, I encourage you to really draw near to and stay close to Christ. Please understand that I don’t mean this harshly, but you were called to this institution, and you responded. Thus, this is where you are supposed to be. Every place of service and everywhere you find yourself is going to have its unique challenges. In this case, you comprise a 1/3 minority (with my made-up statistics). Until the number of single males and females balances out, you are going to have to face the “constant barrage.” Hiding may seem the best answer, but please recognize what you are doing to yourself. You are isolating yourself and hardening your heart (which leads to bitterness, among other things). It is easier than you think to become so hardened that no one will want to date you even when you are ready. There is an “air” that develops and says “back off” to everyone. If this happens, you will have set yourself up for a lot more trouble later on. A while back I wrote a note that I think applies here. It simply said “it’s hard to hug a porcupine.” (Facebook readers can look it up, for blog readers I posted it three before this one). This is precisely what I was talking about. In the process of putting up walls of protection, you block the very potential of someone being able to come alongside you. Further, becoming hardened is not honoring to Christ and if you do desire to find someone, you may be hiding when he is looking. I mean, yes Christ is in control (you would truly be hard-pressed to find someone who believes more in God’s sovereignty than I do), but that does not deny human responsibility. It is not faith and it is not wisdom to “sit back” under the pretense of “trusting in the Lord.” We are to trust in the Lord and His timing, but this does not mean that we are idle. Instead, we are to be actively involved, listening to the Lord’s direction (as best we can, for all too often our emotions block our discernment). Once again, we have the pendulum. On one end are those that are trying to “make things happen” by their own effort and force, ignoring the Lord altogether. On the other end are those that simply sit under the shade tree, complaining that God is not moving.

In the end, you may not want to date and that is between you and the Lord, but don’t become upset with men that are trying to fulfill what God has placed within their heart, misdirected as it may or may not be. They have no way to know “where you are” until it is too late… it is not their fault, it is simply the result of being human. Yours is a much different type of sanctification, but a very important one. Finally, please realize that, “hiding” is not the same as “resting.” In this section, I am not speaking of “seasons” where it may be wise not to date. Instead, I am speaking in terms of a continuum, where a young lady has decided to withdraw for illegitimate reasons. There may be legitimate seasons for not dating or being available, but they should be infrequent and almost never iron-clad. So, the bottom line from my perspective is that hiding is never the right response… understandable as it may be. Though I could certainly keep typing, I feel very unworthy to speak on this, so I would GREATLY appreciate some female input in this part especially from those that have “figured it out.”

Oh, and one final encouragement for this section… please try to take interest as a compliment. Instead of resenting it or feeling like you are drowning, try (note that word, “try”) to look at it as the blessings of God, confirming your worth in Him. Now, the worth I am speaking of is not worth in the eyes of the guys (though that can be good), but instead, in the eyes of Christ – big distinction there. The simple truth is that guys with the right motives will be seeking a woman of God. Thus, all things being equal, if you are such a woman, it should bless you to know that your relationship with the Lord is so evident that the guys can’t help but want to be around you. Oh, and one more thought, I want to remind you that I am not trying to address the philosophy (or methods) of dating. I suppose at some point in this series I will have to address it a little, but remember that is not my purpose.


--Shutting Down (Internal Withdrawal)

The second reaction I wish to address is shutting down, or internal withdrawal. Internal withdrawal is where, for a number of reasons, a lady will withdraw emotionally (often without realizing it). With internal withdrawal, a lady will go through the motions of relationship, yet the emotions have been “locked up” for purposes of protection. She literally “shuts down” the emotional realm. Unfortunately, it seems to me that these young ladies lock down all emotion, thinking themselves to be “using wisdom” and then can’t figure out why they never feel like a guy might be “the one.” The bottom line is that they are not allowing themselves to feel anything. Thus, the only thing they have left is the mental, which is overloaded, not the primary way they were created, and is never singularly sufficient for making wise choices (for anyone). Beyond that, women were created to be internal and emotional, more so than men. Thus, if ladies deny the emotional, they deny a huge part of how they were created and set themselves up for trouble.

One quick side-bar before moving on to the meat of this section: There can be any number of reasons for this reaction. I will address three in a few moments, yet I think the “guarding my heart” mentality is also worthy of mentioning. To quickly address this one, we ought to guard our hearts, we have a responsibility to, but that does not mean that we close off all (or nearly all) emotion. Emotions are a gift from God and reflect something about Him. Thus, they are good. It is when emotions are unchecked by reason that they are bad (and reason unchecked by emotion is equally bad). This is what it means to guard your heart, among other things in life. Whatever the case, internal withdrawal is usually based on mistrust and / or fear and usually occurs during the beginning, or formative part of relationship, though it may show up later if trust is violated. The sad thing is that it often kills a relationship before it has much of a chance to begin. This is a growth point for the ladies (even though it is often due to damaged emotions and / or genuine fear).

Ok, before I get ahead of myself and lose all literary structure to this post, let me say that there are three primary realms I wish to address that cause otherwise healthy young ladies to internally withdraw. I use the term realm because it is not a simple matter of cause and effect. Instead, it is quite often a complex combination of these realms which she is trying to juggle and can’t figure out. Further, this “juggling act” is usually somewhat unknown to the lady herself. Before I continue, let me explain what I mean by juggling. I think the best way to explain is to use myself as an example, so please bear with me once again as I try to set this up. As I admitted to you in the previous post, I used to be a “mole.” In everyday life, I am quite bold, especially where the Gospel is concerned (and to my shame… sometimes it spills over into arrogance). My primary gifting is the gift of prophecy (and no, I am not going to chase that rabbit right now), thus, I have zero trouble taking a stand or being bold. Yet, until about a year ago, when it came to relationship with girls, I was the polar opposite. I have always had female friends, and that was “safe” so I really didn’t have any trouble there. Yet, when it came to the thought of dating, I was a mole. I have driven myself nuts (or at least more so :) over the years trying to figure out why this was such a big deal to me. There were three primary things that I would look at, in isolation, and try to see if “that” could be the cause. Thus, in the “back of my mind” (or whatever term you prefer for that), these three things would be swirling around. Unable to pin one of them down, I would “pick up” one of the “balls” I was juggling, look at it, and say, “yeah, I can see where this might have something to do with it, but it doesn’t completely explain it. I would then place that one back in “the mix” and pick up the next one. I would repeat this over and over, but never arrive at a conclusion since none of them individually explained the issue. The problem with this method is that my problem was the combination or amalgamation of three different, but related things (this will be explained much more in-depth in a future post entitled “Analyzing Overanalyzing”). Bottom line, juggling is where we take one thing from a complex structure and try to see if that “one” explains the whole. This is logically impossible as one isolated thing can never explain a complex structure. The truth can sometimes be (and often is) revealed when “all three” are seen together. It is when we see all of the issues and the “shape” they collectively make, that we can clearly match it up to the problem. This is sort of like taking a shard from a key and trying to open a door instead of taking the collective whole and then being able to unlock the door. Unfortunately, there is only confusion until we can see how they interact. Thus, I fear for some of my sisters and pray for their healing (as well as my own).

Ok, finally to move on to the three realms, which are: being overwhelmed, having misconceptions of love, and unresolved insecurities (obviously more realms and reasons exist, such as abuse, stress, etc, but again, this is getting long). The first realm is being overwhelmed. I have heard ladies explain this concept a number of ways and still must admit that I don’t completely understand. The bottom line, again, is that women and men are created differently. Generally, men are given boldness so that they can lead while women are geared differently and look to protection first (which is part of the reason men are often more “sure” of the relationship). The best way I can think to explain this is that allowing someone “in” involves vulnerability, which is the very thing girls are often trying to avoid (and we all do to one degree or another). Thus, ladies have to fight somewhat against their nature to let someone in. This is also why guys are sometimes repelled quite quickly even after they are in. Something clicks within her, the panic button, and she forces him out in order to preserve safety (sometimes against all logic and Godly leadership / wisdom – we all have idols and often it is ourselves). I remember countless conversations with one very dear friend of mine who was interested in a guy. He approached her, very boldly, and expressed his interest. I, behind the scenes, knew she was interested in him as well. Even though she was thoroughly impressed with him and definitely interested, she would call me or email me saying she just wanted to run the other way. Herein we also have the classic situation where guys are so frustrated because girls say they want honesty and transparency, yet, when it is given, they “freak out.” Girls want honesty and transparency, yet the very thought that “this may be the one” is so overwhelming and scary, that it makes her want to bail out and run the other way. Thus, she would call me, among other friends, for a “reality check” from time to time. During these conversations, she would be noticeably distraught and a little frantic. Thankfully, she is also mature and rational, as a rule, and she made herself stick with it. Today, they are doing quite well, and I have no doubt that the Lord has put them together. Yet, even now, she still panics once in a while. My point with this is to help both the guys and the girls to gain a little insight into how difficult this can be for the other side. For the girls, to realize that this is fairly normal, yet it must be worked through, in Christ. You must let someone in if you ever hope to be in a successful relationship. I realize that this is very easy to say and quite another thing to actually live out… yet, you must. Thus, I would encourage you to draw near to Christ, gather some faithful counselors, and talk to some older women that you trust (Titus 2, among others). If you are in a relationship, make sure you have solid reasons for ending it before panicking and throwing away something potentially very good (again, bearing in mind our tendency toward self-deception). Bottom line, some confusion and a “lack of peace” do NOT equal God telling you it is not His will (and neither does a lack of anything). Also, realize that to a guy, it seems a contradiction to request honesty and then run the other way. You made a request, he honored it, and if you do this, he is being punished (in terms of his perspective). Guys just can’t grasp this. To the guys, I dare not say that I have this figured out, so I encourage you to simply love your sisters in Christ. Love them and look to their benefit above your own. This means putting their feelings and desires above your own and protecting them even above yourself… this is true love and Godly leadership! Also, it really helps to “study the other side.” In the end, if this happens, you must love her anyway and just pray for the Lord to heal her heart. As to the honesty and transparency… I wish I knew the answer to that one. They do truly want it, yet in doses. This will vary from girl to girl and situation to situation and some can handle more than others. Girls, once again, I ask for input!

The second realm is misconceptions about love. I will not address this in-depth here as it actually belongs more in the next part of the series (part 3). For now, I will simply say that the idea of romantic love, as opposed to Biblical love, tears people apart and ruins many good relationships (existing and potential). The bottom line, Biblical love grows over time and involves getting to know someone. It may involve the “butterflies” or whatever, but is not primarily composed of these things. Emotions are fleeting and fickle, love is enduring. I mean, I get “butterflies” on a rollercoaster, but that doesn’t mean I’m in love with it (and yes, I am being sarcastic). Further, there is a big difference between love and infatuation and it seems infatuation is what so many actually seek. Further, genuine love is accepting the faults of the other person, not being blind to or denying them. In fact, the deepest and purest love is a matter of deep knowledge of (and thus comfort with) the other person, which will lead to excitement IF it is allowed the time to grow (Gen 2:25 among others). As usual, we seem to have our paradigm backwards.

The third realm is unresolved insecurities (or more accurately, evaluative judgments not yet grounded in Christ). This is the most tragic realm of all to me. We all carry insecurities and feelings of being unworthy. However, I think this is an area of struggle that girls are much more prone to than guys (and at a deeper level). Guys generally find their worth or identity more in the external, in what they can do (quantitative). Girls generally find their worth or identity in who they are and how they look, in the internal (qualitative). Thus, sometimes when a girl is with a great guy, she feels very unworthy of him, as if she can’t measure up. To make it worse, she doesn’t know what his expectations are, so she doesn’t even know how high the mark is (again, enter overwhelming). Thus, she is always wondering and thinking something like, “when will he figure it out and get rid of me?” (oh, and btw girls, some guys struggle with this too). Thus, sometimes, she will make the assumption for him and withdraw in order to protect herself from being too attached when “the inevitable” happens. My sisters, this breaks my heart!!! To make it worse, some immature guys act in ways that reinforce this type of thinking, especially in terms of conditional interest / love. Anyway, the point is that much of the time girls don’t seem to realize how incredible they truly are. She assumes she is not worthy of a particular guy, could never possibly be the helper he needs, and shuts down in order to “protect” them both (and yes, I realize I am being repetitive, at least this time). The tragedy in this literally brings me to tears. First, that one of my sisters does not see her true value in Christ. Each of you are uniquely gifted and created in the Lord. Your value is not decided by yourself or by men, but by the one who created you… you are a beloved child of God! Second, it is the nature of Godly men to “lift up” women (read the book of Ruth). Thus, if he values you, then he has made his choice. Provided he has a decent level of maturity, it is not that he is settling, he is choosing. Thus, he chooses you, with all of your blessings and faults. This means that he is unconditionally choosing to discover who you are in Christ. Part of what it is to be a man of God is to be able to lead, help, and protect the women in our lives… especially / ultimately our wives. A while back I was speaking with a female friend of mine about this very thing, we learned a lot from each other. She was warning me about insecurities and I think my response summarizes my heart (what I am trying to communicate) quite well. Speaking in terms of my as yet hypothetical future wife, I said, “I understand that she will have past hurts and be in need of healing, but that is part of the beauty of how God has created us. As a man, I get to help her heal… I look forward to that!” Now, I don’t know exactly how many guys feel this way, but I do know that they exist (so be encouraged ladies). The problem is that “he” will never be able to help “her” if she won’t let him in! May the Lord grant us all wisdom, patience, love, and understanding (and smack us over the head with a 2x4 when we need it)!


---A Few Closing Thoughts on the Three Realms

So often when we are trying to figure things out, especially things as personal as relationship, we tend to either shut down emotions or rely on them entirely. Neither option is Biblical… shutting down emotions is not the same as dealing with them. Though the end result may be that you are not upset, it is not faith, it is not maturity, and it is not Christ-honoring (just like refusing to speak to someone is not the way to handle being upset with them). It is an act of escape, not an act of sanctification, much less is it allowing Christ to rule and reign in our lives. When our emotions are so heavily involved, (whether we realize it or not) our perception is greatly altered (for example, the flowers to the right may be pretty, but they are not real). This is further compounded by stress and other things. Thus, sometimes in these circumstances when we attempt to seek the Lord’s will, we are asking but not truly listening; and then confusion results, due to our internal struggle. Further, love is not all about the mental and yet it is not all about the emotional. If we don’t allow any emotion, we will never “feel in love” (much less actually give someone a chance). Now, if you combine these three things at any level (overwhelmed, misconceptions of love, and insecurities), you have one confused individual. Add to this the pressure and “fast pace” of much of the seminary dating and it is not so hard to see why some ladies tend to shut down and withdraw internally. Marriage should be the ultimate goal for those called to it, but we must be careful not to think too much of it too quickly and thus skip over the beginning steps. This particular person may or may not be “it.” But, forcing someone to fit into a marriage paradigm too early will crush ANY relationship, no matter what potential is there.

The thing that is so sad to me is that often we all shut out the very one that might be able and willing to help. I wrote a note a while back for one of my sisters addressing this very thing (though I didn’t tell her it was for her). It is entitled, “The Frail Rose.” The most frustrating thing for a man who desires to help, is the realization that she has shut him out emotionally. No matter how true what he says may be, he realizes that she will never hear a word he says until her heart is softened. He further realizes that any attempt on his part to help will only result in her pushing him farther away, as she will never trust his motives in this state. The even more saddening realization is that she may never allow him back in and it may have had nothing to do with him (directly), but is due to pain, fear, pride, and sin (or some combination thereof). She is unintentionally denying the good that God is trying to bring into her life (as we all tend to do so often).

One final (and admittedly strong) exhortation to my sisters in this section: You are surrounded by Godly men and you will not always have such godly men around you, much less so many. I am not saying you should settle (you certainly should not if your reasoning is truly Biblical), but withdrawing because you are overwhelmed is not healthy. This drives a wedge between you and the guy, which causes emotional distance, which ends in a downward spiral. Thus, go figure, you no longer feel like there is a future for the two of you. You then conclude that you were right to withdraw. Yet if these are the reasons, you probably weren’t. What you have basically done is rejected the good that God has tried to bring into your life, and then blamed the distance on the good, not the reaction. You have done it to yourself. Thus, you continue in this pattern, frustrating yourself and others around you… all the while wondering when is God going to bring someone into your life. He just tried and you rejected him! Now that I probably have every lady reading this upset with me, let me qualify... I am not saying that every single instance where you feel it is “not right” falls into this category. However, I am saying to check your motives, the problem is where withdrawing is the result of a complex of the three realms mentioned above (or others) instead of the genuine leading of the Lord. As always, I would remind you of our human tendency toward self-deception… we can “make” anything legitimate if we want to and so often we stop our ears to the Lord when we are confused (so let us search our hearts).

I am including this next paragraph as more of a reflection than necessarily part of the series, thus the difference in language and direction. I find myself overburdened sometimes in talking with and praying for my sisters in this area. Most women were not created to be alone (likewise with men). Yet, so many are alone and they have to fulfill the role of both the man and the woman, something for which they were not created. Thus, they may appear very strong, yet they admit that their strength is only “as strong as glass.” They hate it so very much, yet they have no option. Thus, especially in times of confusion, they need a strong leader to listen to them and then say ok, here’s what is going on, here’s what we need to do, and then take them by the hand and say let’s do it together, I am here for you and with you. Yet, there is no one to do that (at least right now). The fact that some of my sisters are in this position truly breaks my heart; I am literally in tears as I am typing this! It breaks my heart because I see so many of my sisters, whom I love very much in the Lord caught in these types of situations. I see (at least to some degree) what needs to be done, what needs to happen, where the growth points are, where they need to be healed, and yet, I am a man under authority and it is not always my place to help beyond a certain point. It feels like watching someone drowning in the water, seeing the life raft, having the ability to throw it in, yet not being able to because it is not my place, I do not have the right or authority to help them. Thus, I listen, encourage, sometimes exhort, and mostly pray for them, all the while not having the liberty to truly help them. To those ladies that I have spoken with, please don’t misunderstand this section. You are not a burden to me, I love being there for you as much as I am allowed to be and nothing thrills my heart more that talking with you, praying for you, and helping however I can to bear your burdens… it is my joy, my privilege, and my heart! You truly have no idea how much I love and care for you in Christ! My point is that I constantly have to fight the temptation to step in where I have no authority. You see, that authority belongs to your future husband. There is a bonding that takes place when a man “takes a woman by the hand” and leads her and only a foolish man would violate this. Now understand that I am not saying that I / we can’t help at all, but there is a level of intimacy and leadership that must not be violated (this is why when I am counseling, I only help so far). Thus, I long for the day when I can finally use the giftings the Lord has blessed me with, take my future beloved by the hand, and go to the throne of Christ for healing! Finally, to all of the ladies, be encouraged that there are Godly men around (among whom I would love to be counted, yet dare not count myself) who are ready, willing, and able to help, lead, and love you!


--Pride

I have much to say on this one as I have seen it all too often, yet I want to season my speech with grace and love. So far in this part, I have discussed things that are quite troublesome and need to be corrected, yet are at least somewhat understandable as they are the result of a need for healing. Thus, in the above sections I took more time to try to explain the “whys” so that there might be more understanding. Though pride can come from a need for healing, it is a much more serious issue. Thus, in this section, I will continue to try to exhort, yet you will notice a difference in its treatment.

Ok, for this one I will go back to the supply and demand analogy. When supplies are limited and demand is high, two things happen. The first is that people go crazy (tickle me Elmo goes berserk), which we’ve already discussed. The second is that the price goes up. With so many Godly young men asking a girl out, or at least demonstrating interest, it is easy for pride to enter the picture. At this point, I must say that this observation is not directly from me. Though I recognized it in part, I had no idea how deep and wide-spread it is. One dear sister in Christ and I have spoken about these things on a number of occasions and she kept telling me “it’s pride Aaron, just pride.” I really didn’t understand for a long time. We are (or at least I am) so conditioned to think of men struggling with pride that we sometimes forget ladies fall to it as well. Also, since it is a human condition, women fall to it just as deeply… though maybe not in the same ways. I have discussed and observed three basic types of pride in the women here, which will be discussed below. Of course, I am not saying that all of the women here are necessarily prideful in all or any of the following ways… once again, speaking in terms of the grand scheme and the big picture of possibilities.

Ok the first form of pride is the “pearl necklace.” As this sister has explained to me, and several others, some girls pride themselves in the number of guys that they have interested in them. They will get together, or even in general conversation, brag about how they have this guy and that guy after them and they just can’t make up their mind who they want and so on and so on. This is the most offensive form of pride. Be sure to note that there is a BIG difference between sincerely not being sure, and becoming prideful about the decision. Also, it is only ok to be “making up your mind” for a short period of time, assuming more than one guy approached you at about the same time. It is an entirely different thing after you are in a relationship or after a period of time. Anyway, the exact quote (from my female friend) is that they “wear them like a string of pearls,” showing all of the other girls, and even the guys, how “worthy” they are. Thus, they “string along” a number of guys refusing to settle for anyone but the best, inciting competition and all manner of ungodliness (sometimes even holding out because there is probably yet another “better” one). They continue doing so, feeding their self-worth, engorging themselves in attention and pride.

I have to be very, very careful in the way that I address this one because to be quite honest, it really makes me upset (and thus, I must remind myself of my own pride). There is SO much wrong with this one, but I will address this very briefly as I don’t want to speak too harshly. First, this is the antithesis of Christian love and reveals a very carnal mind. This type of girl is using other people for her own gratification. This is not self-sacrifice, this is self-aggrandizement… and is a direct affront to God. It is bad enough to be prideful within yourself, it is another to use and hurt others to feed yourself. Second, she is proving herself unworthy in that she obviously sees him not as a brother in Christ, but as a toy, an object put on this earth to please her. The fact that she would play with her brother’s emotions and heart in this manner proves her to be the most contemptuous of women, having no regard for his wellbeing before Christ, but only her fleeting pleasure. Third, she is flaunting supposed “success” before her sisters, stirring up envy and jealousy (especially among those that already feel unworthy or don’t seem to have anyone interested in them). This too is deeply disturbing and proves her worthy of no one, not even the least of all in that she has no honor and no respect for anyone above herself. So, now, she is hurting and upsetting both her brothers and her sisters.

The second form of pride is the idea of “holding out” because there’s bound to be someone better. This will be addressed much more in the next part (part 3), though from a slightly different angle than the scope of this particular post. Nevertheless, this is where a lady, no matter how good the guy, refuses to settle for anything less than perfection. Now, if you ask her, she would say she doesn’t expect perfection, yet the moment she sees anything “wrong” with him, she moves on to the next guy. This is the most foolish of all the forms of pride (if it were actually possible to rank them). I’m just going to say this plainly… she needs to grow up. To use the cliché, there has only been one perfect man and He’s engaged and returning for the church! One last repetitive thought on this one… if you are here at the seminary and you are a single lady, you will never again be surrounded by so many Godly young men (and I would say the inverse to the men… you will never again be surrounded by so many Godly young women). Again, I will be addressing this much more in-depth in the next part, so forgive the short nature if its treatment.

The third form has already been addressed indirectly, but is worth mentioning. It is the idea that everyone is interested. This is probably the most subtle (and thus common) form of pride because, quite frankly, the ladies are in short supply and are therefore in high demand. Yet it is sinful to assume that every guy that is around you or that smiles at you is “after” you. As hard as it is, you must do as one of my other sisters has told me she does. She does not assume anything until he explicitly tells her. Thus, even though her “spidey senses” may be going off, she checks herself the best she can, and just acknowledges him as a brother in Christ. Beyond this, work on general and genuine humility. You must find the balance between seeing yourself as valuable and seeing yourself too highly. The best way to do this is to pray that God would help you see / perceive through His eyes. Thus, you will see who you really are in Him, yet be reminded (and humbled) by seeing yourself as you are outside of Him. Where pride is involved, other things naturally result, the least of which is, thinking too much of yourself, ignoring guys, and treating them poorly simply because they are guys. This is damaging to both yourself and your brothers and most importantly, it is not honoring to Christ.


--A Few Closing Thoughts

Now before closing, let me be clear; there is nothing more sinful in the female responses than the male response, or the other way around. Again, we all have our own particular weaknesses and some of them fall on gender lines. Thus, I hope that you will realize that I am not trying to be any more harsh on one side or the other (and I hope that I am, in fact, not being).

Also, there are many, many brothers and sisters on this campus that do NOT fall into the “bad” things that I have described thus far. There are many very Godly young men and women on this campus that truly “get it.” I would love to publicly praise them all, but I could never remember all of their names and wouldn’t want to leave anyone out. I guess the best example I can think of (though there are many) is one time a while back when a single young lady walked into the laundry room in Fuller Hall where a few guys (including myself) were sitting there talking (about what else :). We quickly changed to some random subject and she, knowing one of the guys, walked over and joined the conversation for about a half-hour. It is sad that I was surprised, but it sticks in my memory quite well because she was “just a sister” and wasn’t acting weird or making up her mind to come back later. No, she knew the one guy, heard a conversation, introduced herself to us, and had a good conversation with some brothers in Christ. She may or may not remember this as that is simply who she is, but it was encouraging. May God continue to lead, guide, and heal His children!!!