Life for the Depressed

Wow, a little over a year ago I lost every poem I’ve ever written. I was no flaming professional or anything, but I did have a few things in some minor publications (I can’t remember where now :); I used to write a LOT of poetry and even wrote a short story once. Anyway, I’m packing right now and ran across a copy of one of my old poems. Actually, it was the very first poem I ever wrote. I was in the seventh grade at the time and will provide a little background below.

Some of you are not aware of my past/ rough childhood. Christ has been very faithful to bring healing to my life, but my younger years were not easy to say the least (as I’ve referenced before, I can only share “so much” here in public because it involves other people, so we’ll leave it at that for now). During those years, I was quite depressed and alone, humanly speaking. I contemplated suicide fairly often during that period, but I could never do it. Not because I was scared, I’m too bold / brazen for that. No, it was not fear that kept me from ending my life, instead it’s an amazing testimony to the love and grace of Christ Jesus that kept me from killing myself then and continues to sustain me today.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the time right now to do this story justice (I’m supposed to be packing my apt so I can move tomorrow and I’m WAY behind schedule). For now, I will simply say that even in the depths of my depression, I always had the feeling that I would let someone down if I did it. At the time, I confidently “knew” that there was not a single human being in the entire world that cared about me at all. I am not exaggerating, I didn’t believe that my own mom cared at the time (the devil is deathly crafty and tells some convincing lies) and the goal of every single day was to simply try to avoid as much berating and abuse as possible, so that I could get up and do it again the next day (no wonder I love the book of Ecclesiastes). All was vanity and loss, yet as a saved person (yes, I was saved at the time… so let your theology cringe in fear), I knew that Christ loved me. I didn’t understand it at a conscious level (in other words I would have denied it at the time), but “deep down” I knew… I couldn’t run from it and it was literally THE only reason I didn’t follow through. It was just the sense that I would be letting someone down despite hours, days, weeks, and even months of pondering “who” and not coming up with a single answer. Anyway, I need to get back to packing, but WOW, what a reflection on the grace, love, and awe-inspiring power of Christ! Thank you Lord!!!


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Life for the Depressed©
By: Aaron Hawk

Is my life meaningless?
Is my life lifeless?
Why was I born,
to soak up the morn?
Why is it that in everything I do,
a problem just rises anew?
Should I open up and cry,
or should I allow myself to die?
Should I kill myself,
or continue to live in stealth?
Whether I choose to live in stealth,
kill myself,
or die,
it shall be done while I cry…
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For anyone who may read this and wonder if anyone cares… someone does. Christ cares, and wants to enter into a relationship with you. If you are reading this and are at all intrigued, that alone is proof that Christ is “speaking to your heart.” If you do not have a relationship with Christ, there is guaranteed hope, if you ask Him, Christ will bring you into his family and you will inherit all of the blessings that come with being part of His family (watch the video below and or check out the other links if you want to know how). If you are already part of Christ’s family and struggling, run to your Father in heaven and speak to a faithful minister of the Gospel of Christ! If you do not know one, email me (info below) and I will speak with you and try to find someone in your area. My friend, there is hope, and despite all of the lies that the evil one wants to sell you, you are loved (very deeply) and of great value in Christ! The only warning to give you is that Christ is the only way; He is the only hope… there is no other. The blessing is that if you are feeling prompted by this, He is ready and waiting right now!!!




Email me at Godsservant3” att hotmail dott comm and put “Question about Jesus” in the subject line.






My Church, Ninth and O (woot)

A Church website that seems sound

A fantastic and sincere presentation of the Gospel:

Scattered Words and Empty Thoughts

Sorry guys, this one is a hodge-podge… there are at least 4 different posts in this one, yet I just don’t have the time to write anything substantive right now as I am truly overloaded with school work right now.


Exodus 20:20 is really where the Lord has been speaking to me, especially in terms of relationship. He is testing me in many ways in order to see if I will indeed honor Him, or grumble and trade the perishable for the imperishable; may none of us settle for the perishable… trading trinkets for treasures and filth for fulfillment!!! I am in the wilderness, being tested... may I trust only in Him and may I never grumble, for in His perfect time and way I shall indeed receive the reward, if I remain in Him!!!

Rachel has died and I mourned for her, yet Christ is able to raise to life again those who have fallen asleep. Perhaps I was drunk and it was really Leah the whole time, though even when drunk it is hard to mistake gold for dirt… then again, perhaps I am not Jacob. Perhaps also there is drunkenness on the other side and vision only in the forms of trees. There is no way to know at this point, but no matter what I shall set my face as a flint and march ever forward, directed by my loving Father!

True joy in Christ comes in knowing that Christ is working and moving in our lives, not in getting what we want (no matter how wonderful it may be or may seem), or in understanding how or why He moves in the ways He does. My joy and trust is in the Lord and my heart is His, so I can only rejoice that He is working, however incomprehensibly. It is not for the thing created to question or doubt, but to submit in all joy and with all thankfulness to an infinitely benevolent, sovereign, and good Savior who is both near and far!!! Thus, there is only joy, love, and confidence, not pain. Times like these test the measure of our faith and trust in God’s sovereign plan. He has directed my every step and He will continue to do so, thus how can I be anything but joyful and filled with all love and comfort?! Further, I am speaking my heart, not trying to give some theological treatise – to me theology is not a subject of study, it is life… we do not believe something if we do not live it. We cannot truly study something apart from life and we cannot truly live apart from study! We cannot compromise on the balance of Transcendence and Immanence!!! I have truly learned much and I am so thankful for the way the Lord has worked and allowed me to see His hand the entire time (though of course never knowing where it was going). Thus, I am overflowing in true joy in Christ and drinking in undeserved blessings!
























*and yes, the title was taken from a Jeremy Camp song, though I don't know why it came to mind in particular :)

A Continued Moment of Sobriety

Don't fear, the next post in the series is coming very very soon (probably Monday :)

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Hey guys, this is just a continuation of my previous post “A Moment of Sobriety.” Please take the time to read that one as I don’t want to waste time repeating myself… I am just overly burdened at realizing my sin, especially when realizing the depth of my sin. As I mentioned in that note, I have recently realized a critical attitude and form of arrogance that I have not had to fight in a while. By nature of saying that, I also admit my faults in not fighting it in the way that I ought to… once again, I have fallen into complacency and dropped my guard. I spoke on this in the last note and definitely stand by what I wrote. Yet I have come to realize that the problem is larger and deeper than I thought, even when I wrote the last note. This is not who I have grown to be in Christ, yet I have allowed myself to slip back into my old, sinful ways.

I had a group of friends over this afternoon and dearly enjoyed the fellowship. Yet, I caught myself several times making comments (subtle or otherwise) that I should not have and putting others down, instead of building them up (as I have a few other times lately). It would be easy to label this “fine tuning” in terms of sanctification, and perhaps it is somewhat; yet it is deeper than that, and much more vile. The truth is that others may or may not have noticed as they were the type of comments that normally accompany our sinful natures and that we all fall into if we don’t watch things carefully (even still, there is no excuse!). Often we preface them with, well, this person is great… except (or with some other similar qualifier). The idea is that if we “show” that we love the person first, we then have the freedom to “honestly point out” their faults. In accountability directly to this person, or in ministerial conversations (pastoral concern), etc, where the goal is to reason through things so as to help the person, I think this is fine. Yet, all too often we (I) use these premises as an excuse for “sanctified gossip / slander.” In this note I am not accusing anyone other than myself of making such comments. To those in attendance, I am very sorry for not guarding my tongue and not being the man that God has created me to be. Also, I want to apologize to any that have been around me during this season… I am deeply grieved for being a reproach on the name of Christ and for slandering any of my brothers and sisters. Again, I ask for accountability… if you hear me doing this, please call me out. Despite my sinfulness, I love each of you very much (all my friends, not just those here tonight) and am torn to pieces at the thought of offending you directly or indirectly.

Upon realizing the depth of this sin, I have “pulled out” a few older meditations. They are not profound or new, but they are true.

Bottom line, how can I judge anyone? I can declare based on the authority of scripture that something is wrong, but it is not my place to judge any person’s motives or heart… I am not the measuring stick. If on a hypothetical “holiness” scale of 1 to infinity (where Christ’s holiness is infinite), let’s assume that I am a 1.5 (and this is admittedly a nonsensical argument as there is no such thing as holiness apart from Christ, especially where I am concerned) and let’s assume that I genuinely see someone else (true perception) who is a 1.25… it is still wrong to look down on them… for what is that compared to the infinite! More importantly, by even entering into this thought, I prove myself “less” than they are. We are not comparing ourselves to others, but to Christ. Beyond this, since when is our sinful perception actually correct?! Chances are, if we perceive ourselves at a 1.5, we are quite a bit lower than that. Further, if we perceive someone else at 1.25, chances are they are higher. I mean, we make such snap judgments with such partial knowledge that we cannot possibly be correct. Use this example… take one frame from a film that is two hours long. Most 35 mm film travels at a speed of 24 frames per second. Thus, if we run the numbers, the overall averages are 24 frames per second, 1440 frames per minute, 86,400 frames per hour, and 172,800 frames in a 2 hour movie!!! Even if I take 10% of those frames, I am only “seeing” 17,280 frames and missing 155,520. That is NOT enough to “see” who that person is. Thus, not only are we condemned by our own system (if we try to use this one), but the entire paradigm is wrong as Christ is the measure… thus, there is none righteous! Second, it is a matter of rights. God is the only one with perfect perception, thus He is able to judge righteously. To judge someone (again intents, not actions clearly expressed in scripture) is to assume perfect knowledge (again, using the film illustration above) and since that is something which belongs only to God, it is blasphemy! Third, the very nature of love is to build up, not to tear down. It is the antithesis of love to speak negatively, especially to put down. This is nothing short of evil!

Thus, once again, I desperately ask forgiveness and sincerely hope that I am catching this early enough that my sin has gone unnoticed (humanly speaking), yet am not naive enough to think it so. I say this not because I want to hide my sin (otherwise I would not post this), but because once again, I am hoping that I have not hurt or offended any that I love. My offense is ultimately against God and was not and cannot be hidden. Thus, I would rather fall into the merciful and righteous hands of Christ for my own sin, than to offend one of His children and add sin upon sin (2 Sam 24 among others).

A Moment of Sobriety

Don't fear, the next post in the series is coming soon
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Anyone who knows me also knows that I spend a lot of time meditating and reflecting on all sorts of things, including who and where I am in relation to the Lord. I do this mostly because of the way Christ has created and wired me, thus I cannot take much credit. Yet it is also because of my past and the clear realization that we are all self-deceived. I believe that much of the maturation process is a matter of self-reflection before Christ. This is precisely why I am always talking about transparency, honesty, and vulnerability. This is also why Kierkegaard resonates with me (though I don’t agree with everything he says).

Anyway, I am writing after yet another instance where I have discovered self-deception. Take heed, watch therefore, be on the alert, take diligent heed, watch yourself, watch the gates, watch out, watch is mentioned 58 times in the updated NASB,… these are just a few examples in the scriptures of where we are told to be vigilant and watch over our souls. Over and over and over, the scriptures command us (yes, command) that we be watchful. We are to watch ourselves in every aspect at every level of who we are. Thus, we are to watch our life, our doctrine, our growth, our attitudes, our perceptions, our thought processes, the very intents of our hearts, and the list could go on. This takes much discipline and deliberate effort, just as a business cannot operate well if the steward is not keeping track of everything. One little thing neglected, and it can affect all of the others. My mind goes to the story (or secular parable), “For want of a nail the kingdom was lost.” This type of careful watch can be quite overwhelming sometimes and it seems so many never undertake the endeavor. Even with the fact that I am naturally wired to do this (thanks be to God), I must admit that I am all too often lulled into a state of complacency and coasting. Cruise control has no place in the life of a believer, yet too often I fall asleep at the wheel.

The Lord has been very good to me lately (as always), bringing me so near to him after a long time of disobedience and self-will. There are a number of things that I know I must watch on a regular basis. Due to my sinful nature and sinful propensities for using God’s gifts for my own glory, I tend to think too much of myself, when, if I understood the truth, I would be so crushed by my own sin, I wouldn’t be able to lift my head (Luke 18:9-14). A few years back the Lord dealt with me in a pretty major way where it concerns this sin, and I am so thankful to the many that allowed Him to use them. Yet, God does not zap us into perfection. He may work in a way that deals with a sin very powerfully and a major adjustment may be made. Yet, if we are not careful and watchful, it will return very, very slowly and overtake us in a moment (just as I look out one moment and it is night, yet the next it is morning). The way to bring down a castle is not to attack its strength, head-on. But instead, to attack its foundations, slowly undermining its walls or to sneak in through some unguarded way. In the martial arts, the way to defeat an opponent is not to go straight in at his strength, but to find his weakness and exploit it. If we intend to avoid falling in a major way, we MUST watch the little things (catch the little foxes).

In several ways here lately I have noticed a critical attitude, an arrogant moment here or there, a slight shift in perception. It is a scary thing to me as I know self-deception. By nature of realizing that the problem has returned, I must assume it is once again deeper than I realize. A lone soldier may once in a while walk up to a castle, but rarely. Usually, it is a scout, sending word to the ranks hidden beyond the tree line that they should either attack, or hold yet a little while. So, with this realization, I must not only kill the scout, but I must also find the encamped army and with the Spirit, slay them all with my eye showing them no pity.

Ok, so why am I sharing this? Well, for three reasons. First, and most importantly to me, is to seek forgiveness for any that I have offended. I have asked this many times in my life and I know that I will ask many more times. Yet, it is just as sincere now as it has ever been (and I pray that it always will be). Simply put, I have been so overwhelmed and overloaded in the last few months that I simply have not been myself (in Christ). Also, I hope that I am catching this early enough that it has not become noticeable or offensive to any aside from myself, but don’t want to take any chances. I take friendship very seriously and love my friends more deeply than I could ever express. I know that I do not always demonstrate the depth of my love because, quite frankly, I don’t know how to. Encouragement is usually appreciated, but it seems many times deep love is misunderstood (even if in Christ). We don’t know what to do with it, or if we can even trust it when it is given. We want others close, yet not too close. For example, I might give an encouragement to a sister or brother and tear up, only to realize it has been misunderstood. Thus, for ourselves and for others, we restrain ourselves… or at least I try. This is truly sad and surely the affects of sin. Anyway, I am getting into another post at this point. I say these things because I want to illustrate that I am not merely bothered when a friend is offended, but deeply grieved. It is hard enough when I have to stand for the Gospel, which I am more than willing to do. But it can feel unbearable when it is my own sin that causes trouble. The second reason is to thank those that are in my life, acting as watchmen on the wall of my castle. Though I can try to patrol my own walls, I need my watchmen to be on the alert, telling me when I have dropped my guard. Thus, I sincerely thank those that have warned me and beg for continued, brutal honesty. We are in a war folks, when it comes to our defenses there is no room or time for flattery, only the blast of a trumpet. We are not islands… we need each other!!! The third reason is to urge anyone who reads this to watchfulness. I share my heart in the hopes that Christ will, through His Spirit, remind you of the need for vigilance so that it may be well with you. Thus, I could try to write and encourage and exhort you, but I think instead, I will leave you with a few scriptures as there is no greater authority and, thus, no better teacher.



Let the Word of the Lord pierce our hearts!!!
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Deuteronomy 6:10-12 10 "Then it shall come about when the LORD your God brings you into the land which He swore to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you, great and splendid cities which you did not build, 11 and houses full of all good things which you did not fill, and hewn cisterns which you did not dig, vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant, and you shall eat and be satisfied, 12 then watch yourself, lest you forget the LORD who brought you from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. – NASB Updated


Deuteronomy 8:1-20 Deuteronomy 8:1 "All the commandments that I am commanding you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the LORD swore to give to your forefathers. 2 "And you shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. 3 "And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD. 4 "Your clothing did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. 5 "Thus you are to know in your heart that the LORD your God was disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son. 6 "Therefore, you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. 7 "For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills; 8 a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey; 9 a land where you shall eat food without scarcity, in which you shall not lack anything; a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. 10 "When you have eaten and are satisfied, you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you. 11 "Beware lest you forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments and His ordinances and His statutes which I am commanding you today; 12 lest, when you have eaten and are satisfied, and have built good houses and lived in them, 13 and when your herds and your flocks multiply, and your silver and gold multiply, and all that you have multiplies, 14 then your heart becomes proud, and you forget the LORD your God who brought you out from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. 15 "He led you through the great and terrible wilderness, with its fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty ground where there was no water; He brought water for you out of the rock of flint. 16 "In the wilderness He fed you manna which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end. 17 "Otherwise, you may say in your heart, 'My power and the strength of my hand made me this wealth.' 18 "But you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day. 19 "And it shall come about if you ever forget the LORD your God, and go after other gods and serve them and worship them, I testify against you today that you shall surely perish. 20 "Like the nations that the LORD makes to perish before you, so you shall perish; because you would not listen to the voice of the LORD your God. – NASB Updated


Proverbs 4:25-27 25 Let your eyes look directly ahead And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. 26 Watch the path of your feet And all your ways will be established. 27 Do not turn to the right nor to the left; Turn your foot from evil. – NASB Updated


Luke 11:34-36 34 "The eye is the lamp of your body; when your eye is clear, your whole body also is full of light; but when it is bad, your body also is full of darkness. 35 "Then watch out that the light in you is not darkness. 36 "If therefore your whole body is full of light, with no dark part in it, it will be wholly illumined, as when the lamp illumines you with its rays." – NASB Updated


1 Timothy 4:16 16 Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you. – NASB Updated

I am Human, forgive me ;-)

This is another one that is straight from my heart. Before I continue, I want to say that, as always, I love comments and would encourage any that you might leave (positive or negative, I really don’t mind). However, due to the nature of the subject, I would sincerely ask that you not leave any cliché comments, such as “you’ll find someone someday.” Dealing with things we don’t understand, we rarely know what to say, yet we want the person to be encouraged. That is fine and I understand the tendency, but I am fine. My refuge is the Lord and my identity is in Him. If you want a more detailed explanation of where I stand, I would encourage you to read one of my previous posts entitled “Sweet Wine.” So, for the record, I am not having a faith crisis, I am not doubting God, I am not bitter. I am human. As such, if you are human, you surely have felt this way at one point or another. I think one of the greatest tragedies in modern Christianity (the only perspective from which I can truly speak), is that there is a strain of bad theology and pseudo-devotion that demands we never be honest about human emotions. God created human emotions and it is only when we are ruled by them that they are bad. Finally, please forgive me for my strong words, but it really bothers me when we can’t be honest. Ok, after a post’s worth of rambling…

I wrote the lyrics below to a tune that I love very much, and which I feel expresses the mood very well (see info on tune itself at the bottom of this post).



Send Her To Me

Lord in your word, you said it was
Not good for me, to be a-lone
Yet I’m a-lone, and wai-ting still
For you to move, and your hand to, provide

Oh Lord my God, send her to me
Weary am I, of wa-i-ting
Yet you are good, al-ways to me
So I’m a-ssured, you’re wor-king in, our lives

And if she be, al-rea-dy near
Lord help me not, look o-ver her
But help me see, her as you do
So beau-ti-ful, in eve-ry way, in you

Lord in con-ten-tment let me rest
Until you bring, my love to me
I know your plan, is best for me
So help me rest, with-in your arms, ‘till then

When in your time, and in your way
Your plan’s revealed, to both of us
Unto your side, help us to cleave
And there re-main, one flesh in you, our Lord



The tune is “Hunter’s Glen” by James D. Cram, 1970. It can be found in the 1975 Baptist Hymnal or you can listen (and read the lyrics) at http://www.friendshipbaptistchurch.com/hymn/bphym312.mid (if it does not load correctly delete the “bphym312.mid” and then look for number 312. I will add that the hymn on this site plays MUCH faster than I like to sing it, so you may have to slow it down to get the sense (and for the purposes of this song, it is really better with just a piano or a violin). Below is the sheet music from the original song




Click below to see the video of this song the way I like it played... by me ;)

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow, Yet Onward We Grow

Herein I write yet another reflection from my life. This time a public praise of my mother, on her birthday. So, it is with a heart overflowing with love that I wish my mom a happy birthday and try, in some small way, to tell her how much she means to me.

First, let me say that I thank God for my mother. I know it would be naive to say that she is the best mother in the world, but I sincerely cannot imagine anyone better. She has always been my human anchor, a (human) rock, on whom I could depend to steady me in times of trouble and confusion. We have been through some incredibly difficult times, the nature of which some of you, but certainly not all, may understand. In these difficulties, she has always demonstrated a strength and wisdom that any leader would envy. I would love to publicly proclaim example after example, yet she is also humble and wouldn’t have it. Through all of the bad times, she has shown endless love, patience, and (again) strength.


She and I have always had a close relationship. This is partly due to the difficult times I’ve referenced and mostly to the fact that mom has always understood my strong personality (and yes, ultimately the Grace of Christ). She has always allowed me to voice my opinion and given me as much freedom as I was able to handle, yet not more so. She has always made me feel that my opinion was important and valued, yet the lines between parent and child have not been crossed. Bottom line, she has held the perfect balance of protecting me and giving me the independence “my wiring” has always desired. I stand here, in sincerity, not knowing how she has done that. I pray to God that, when it is time, I can be as good a parent and demonstrate as much wisdom and love.

In keeping with the above, she has always sensed and prepared for changes in our relationship. As any healthy relationship will, ours has constantly changed and grown. Being a mother, something I cannot begin to understand, I am sure everything within her has wanted to hold on a little longer and keep things just as they are, yet she has (always) unselfishly prepared me for each stage. This most recent trip home was no different. Mom and I both enjoy whatever time we are able to spend together, yet, we know that our relationship has and is changing, yet again.

She continually demonstrates her love and understanding in that she knows me well enough to allow me to “go on” when it’s time for change. She knows that my antsiness is not personal, but a desire to move on, in strength, realizing it is Christ’s plan for my life. In all of our lives, we pass from season to season, adapting, changing, and growing. In this particular season of my life, the Lord is preparing me for marriage. Though I do not know when that day will be, the Lord is accomplishing his work in my heart and affections (Genesis 2:24 “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh”). What this means is that my affections are naturally turning away from her, and toward the future, specifically, toward my future beloved (whomever she may be). My mom and I have talked about this for a long time; yet, recently, there has been a noticeable change, wherein theory is becoming reality. My point is that, once again, my mom is proving herself to be both a blessing and a remarkable parent by not only accepting this fact, but by continually preparing me for that day. I thank God for her unselfish love, tough as it may be!

When it is time to part we have always put on a strong face and tried to make the departure as natural as possible. To do anything else would only make parting more difficult and fight the natural order God has set. Yet even in this, is a demonstration of the love, understanding, and concern we have for each other.




Now, in closing, to speak directly to mom… Thank you for being so wonderful and so loving. Once again, I wish so much that I could write in such a way as to accurately express how much I love and respect you, yet regardless of my skill, that would prove to be an impossible task. So, I will close with that understanding, simply saying, thank you… and happy birthday!

Lord Jesus

Once again folks, I know it is a little rough (some of you are coughing at the word “little”), but it is a sincere prayer from my heart. I actually started it while driving home from work about a week ago and then forgot about it. I found it tonight and decided to finish it.




Lord Jesus,

Please cut me while I am exposed,
Please break me while I am broken.
Speak to me while I am listening,
And feed me while I am hungry.


Capture my heart while it is waiting,
Before it takes flight, in the evil of night.
Steadfast it will not stand,
Without power from your hand.


Bind my wounds while they yet bleed,
Set straight the bones which you have broken.
Heal me Lord, and help me stand,
Lest I die, desolately disfigured.


In you let me be sated, and not in this world;
Yet not to contentment, lest I lose sight:
Of how my nakedness you’ve clothed,
Though it cost you your life.


For forgetful am I, once I am full,
So leave me in hunger, if it is needed
To keep me humble, and in love with you.
For only in you, can I find my way.


Cast me not out from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me,
For I have seen the forsaken wastelands and the whitewashed tombs;
In fear and trembling, I would stand before you pleading, Lord let it not be so… let it not be so!





Proverbs 30:2-3

2 Surely I am more stupid than any man, And I do not have the understanding of a man. 3 Neither have I learned wisdom, Nor do I have the knowledge of the Holy One.

A Prayer and Meditation

Originally posted 7:10am Friday, Nov 24, 2006 on Facebook, yet quite applicable now





Sorry... it's a very rough 1st draft, but its straight from the heart!




Father,

Send your Spirit to comfort me, in this moment of weakness
Hold me in your arms, and let me feel your presence
Calm my spirit, and still my mind
Heal my heart, as only you can


Tell me you love me, and that I am your child
Bind up my spirit, and give me your strength
Give me clarity of vision, so I can see your will
And purity of heart, to follow in obedience


Help me to seek you, more every day
Help me to love you, with all that I am
Teach me restraint Lord, as I wait on you
Help me be a servant, who loves you so


Fill me with your Spirit, as never before,
With your love, with your joy, and with your peace
So that in being filled, I overflow
And others you touch, through my life


My father I love you, and I thank you too
For using one entirely unworthy, and deserving to die
Thank you for your patience, and your tender care
For the way that you love me, and stand near by!

-Amen!


Proverbs 30:2-3 “Surely I am more stupid than any man, And I do not have the understanding of a man. Neither have I learned wisdom, Nor do I have the knowledge of the Holy One.”

Sweet Wine

Originally posted 6:30am Saturday Dec 30, 2006 on Facebook
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Meditation on Sweet Wine

So many conversations around here (here being the Seminary) stem around marriage and singleness. This one goes out first to myself, and then to all of my single friends. Also, please forgive me if there are mistakes in here (logical or technical). It’s late and I’m tired, so I may have to come back and revise later.

One of my constant meditations is that of God’s salvation. No, not salvation in the eternal sense, though that is certainly worthy of constant meditation. Here, I mean in the sense of preserving my physical life. One of my favorite things to focus upon is traffic lights. I wonder how many times the Lord has preserved my physical life with the simple device of a traffic light. The number must surely be astounding (yes, for the theologians, I realize that he is doing so every moment of every day, but I speak here from the temporal perspective). I think about this sometimes, especially at traffic lights as they are something so many tend to curse (if not in the literal sense, in the sense of being aggravated by them). I must admit that I find myself annoyed by them sometimes too, but am immediately reminded of this meditation. How many times has the Lord used the timing of the traffic light to preserve my life from some unknown danger that lie ahead and would have taken my life, had I been there a second earlier (or later)?!!! The key is timing. God’s timing demonstrates his infinite wisdom, power, and glory. Even in something as simple as a traffic light, this can be seen.

So often we speak about God’s timing being absolutely good and perfect. We glory in it and say that we agree with and are thankful for it. In the ‘little’ things I think that we probably do. It’s easy to step back and think of a traffic light being used to demonstrate God’s timing, yet, as we so often do, when it comes to things that are dear to our hearts, we seem to think that we know best. We become impatient and discontented. We then ‘take’ things out of God’s hands and try to handle them ourselves. Then we read the story of Abraham and Sarah and condemn them for laughing and for their actions. We can trust God with the ‘little’ things, but not the ‘really important’ things. Do we really believe in his timing?

For those that are single, we must realize that timing comes into play in the second most important way of our lives when we discuss relationships and ultimately marriage. The first, is obviously salvation. Nothing else can compare to that. However, God’s timing for our marriage (if indeed we are to marry, as some are not), is the next most important thing in our earthly lives. It involves the right person, the right preparation, and the right timing. While we are single, we should be focused on being content, yet looking to the future. We must also focus on serving Christ during this special time of undivided devotion and growing as close to him as possible. During this time we must be meditating on him and allowing him to refine us for our future spouse. We must constantly be watching and growing, especially in terms of the qualities needed for marriage. Most importantly, we must be in prayer, sincerely asking that the Lord would prepare our future spouse for us and us for our future spouse and bring the two together in the fullness of time, in his time and in his way. It’s all about preparation in the proper timing.

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What do you think of when I say ‘timing’? Are you a musician, a dancer, a martial artist, so on and so on… How important is timing in these things? Do we really think that we can master these things better than God? Do we really think we can orchestrate things in such a way as to bring about good? No, my friends we must realize that the master of timing is infinitely wise and trust in the giver of all good gifts! How devastating to the musical score it would be if the notes were not given the proper timing. How devastating to my health if my timing in the martial arts is not correct (as my recent ankle injury has proven). How devastating to the dance (and the dancers) it would be if the timing was not correct. You get the point. Without proper timing, there is only devastation. I think back just a few years ago when I believed myself to be ready for marriage and thank God that he preserved some young woman from being bound to me (this is hypothetical, as I have never dated, for those that might wonder about inconsistencies in my speech). I was not ready and devastation would have been the result. We must also refrain from comparing ourselves to others (as always), thinking, they are younger than I am, why are they married and the like (or God forbid we be so arrogant as to think ourselves more ‘ready’ than they are). It is not for the thing made to say to the maker why, but to submit, rejoicing in his wisdom. We must realize how fatal a mistake in this area can be. If not, we prove our ignorance of the gravity of such a decision (and our ignorance of the nature, power, and wisdom of God).






Now we come to the inspirational illustration that sparked this entire note… sweet wine. The thought came to me randomly (the randomness is no surprise to those that know me) that I was being aged and prepared just like sweet wine. Now, for the record, I’ve never tasted wine and don’t really know anything about it (alcoholic father), so I had to do a little research here (and still don’t know why this, of all things, was the illustration contrived within my mind). I found that ‘sweet wine’ is really the most popular and desired wine. It contains alcohol, but its content is much lower than ‘dry wine.’ Sweet wine is made when it is aged ‘just so.’ If it is too soon, you have grape juice, not wine. If too late, you have more alcohol than wine (dry). Thus the desirable sweet wine, is attained when the aging is properly timed. Even in the aging process there are many factors that affect getting ‘good’ versus ‘bad’ sweet wine. The type of grapes used, the specific fermentation process, and even the way in which the future wine is stored contribute to the quality and ‘fullness’ of the wine. Again, preparation and timing.

If we truly desire God’s greatest glory in our lives we must realize that only his timing and his chosen person will do. If we truly believe this, it will be evident in our conduct and our attitudes. We will overcome all discontentment and impatience, and be joyful* when things we view as good fall through, since it is simply further evidence of Christ’s preparation and timing in our lives. If not, then it is not marriage we seek, but a selfish fulfillment of our own desires!



*Note: I am not talking about being joyful FOR a heart being broken or being joyful if we have been mistreated. But even in these things we can be joyful that God has preserved us from going further into these situations and from even worse ones. These also serve to remind us to seek God in our decisions and not our own desires or what seems good to us (ever heard of Samson?).

I'm an addict... thank you!

Once again I stand in complete amazement as I realize (once again) what amazing and encouraging friends I am blessed of the Lord to have!!! In (and because of) this realization, I am continually humbled, literally falling on my face before God, thanking Him for placing such incredible people in my life. I am SO thankful for you all and am continually renewed by your love, your encouragement, even your simple presence. It is truly good for brothers and sisters to dwell together in unity!



The number one way I connect with people is physical touch, so for those that are willing to put up with my playing around (and allow me the delusion that you enjoy it ;), you have no idea how much I need to play this way and how much you delight my heart in this. For those that are huggers, I literally cannot express how much you mean to me. By the simple, pure act of a hug, you are ministering to my soul (in a way that nothing else can)!

For those that are not huggers or don’t play around with me, please understand that you minister to my soul as well. Just as my spiritual life will be negatively affected by a lack of physical touch (seriously folks), I cannot subsist without deep, deep conversations, and the more sober moments of life, to compliment my more zany side. Thus, no matter what particular way you minister to me, I am dependent upon you. Thanks be to Christ Jesus our Lord (my ultimate sustainer), for the way He has ordained for His body to function!!!

Though this note sincerely goes out to ALL of my friends and has been coming for some time now, I do want to include a special “thank you” to those that were here tonight (you know who you are). I enjoyed our fellowship more than you know and am so thankful that you came. I literally wanted to cry (and am now, reflecting upon it) when I looked into your eyes and saw the sincerity and depth of your encouragement and love. I am truly unworthy of such exceptional friends, brothers, and sisters!!!

This last section is going to sound really sappy / corny, but it is from the heart. I hope that you do not doubt the sincerity of this note on the whole, or this last section. I am so amazed at the fellowship and friendships that I have here, I sometimes feel as if I am in a dream and if I breathe, it will all vanish. Yet, I am so confident of the sincerity of your friendship that I know you won’t! I am literally addicted to you guys. This, is the primary reason I don’t want to leave this summer. If I’m home, I can’t get my fix!

I wish that I were skilled enough to use words that would accurately convey the depth of my love and appreciation for you all, but I am unskilled and inept in this regard. I will simply close by saying thank you for allowing me to get to know you!!!


With an overflowing heart of gratitude and love,

Aaron HawkJohn 3:30

Another short meditation from the disturbing mind of Aaron Hawk

Originally posted 6:03pm Thursday, Nov 2, 2006 on Facebook

I wish so much that we, that is people, didn’t feel that we have to play such games with each other. We guard our thoughts and feelings so closely because of sin and pride. Sometimes, we’re guarding ourselves, sometimes the other person, though usually ourselves. We are so concerned that our intentions will be revealed or that friendships will be severed by our honest thoughts and feelings. It is so frustrating to have to think in these terms. If a friendship were strong and genuine, nothing of this sort could destroy it. If two people claim to love Christ, the same should be true, no matter the difference (provided it is not a matter of sin). Our focus should be on His glory, not our comparatively minute interests. Yet, we hold our own pride and sin above this free communication and God-ward glorification, to the point that we are afraid to share. So we speak in riddles and half-truths in order to protect our fragile egos.

When it is our sin that will sever ties, it should be dealt with. If it is simply vulnerability, that says little of the friendship. We should be able to walk right up to someone with whom we have a relationship (no matter the type or longevity; whether new, old, just friends, or more) and tell them our opinions and/or thoughts and have no fear of the outcome because both parties would be seeking Godliness and reconciliation (if a rift were to occur). Yet we fear that our intentions would be misunderstood and the relationship would be adversely affected or severed altogether. We fear both ourselves and the other person's perception and/or reaction. This shows a very low view of the other person and ourselves, yet the fear of the effects of sin so often paralyzes us. When one person feels differently than the other, that should not stop or weaken the friendship, yet so often it does. That is both shameful and sinful.The most frustrating part of this is that though I recognize it as such, and though I am not known, in general, for being a timid person, I catch myself doing it and being enslaved by it. Even within this note there is a background I am not willing to share. The same is also true within several of my other notes and I am not willing to reveal much about them. The screaming example is the actual riddle I put in there.

I hate this game, yet I find myself playing right along!

About me – the Fuller Version

Let’s see, where do I begin… duh… I am deeply in love with Jesus Christ!!! I strive to submit my will, my mind, my talents, and my all to Him… for He alone is Worthy!!! (Lord, I love you; help me to love you more!!!)

Ok, the first thing is that I am completely new to the whole “online” thing, as far as blogs and communities. I have had email since 2000, but otherwise, haven’t really used the internet until recently. Thus, I am still really new at all of this.

Second, I’m really not sure why anyone would care what I have to say. This is not false modesty or anything like that, I sincerely don’t understand; who am I that people should care what I have to say? To be completely honest, there are two reasons I decided to do this. The first was the gentle coaxing of some friends who refused to read my notes on Facebook and said I was basically using FB as a blog, thus I should just start one. :) Gotta love my friends! The second is that, though I truly write for my own satisfaction, I do really enjoy feedback. Also, as an added benefit, it gives people another angle from which to view and get to know me. So, if you have any comments, please feel free to leave them.


Now, for general info about me…

Well…

The best way to get to know me is to talk with me, obviously. I enjoy anything that stimulates the intellect (especially things that are witty or sarcastic in nature). I also love to laugh and have a good time. I love cutting up and playing with people. I love music and sing almost all the time; especially when I am close to the Lord. There’s nothing like singing at the top of your lungs at 3:00 in the morning! I also enjoy psychology and counseling and studying people in general. One of the greatest joys and interests in my life is that of studying people and spurring them on in the Lord.







On one hand, if you meet me, I will probably seem like one of the quietest people you have ever met, at first. In all of life, I am generally an observer first and then I act. Thus, in new social situations, I will usually “disappear,” until I am comfortable with a group or person. Once those barriers are broken down and I am comfortable, I act very different. Then “the real me” begins to come out. I love talking… a lot of talking. In fact, sometimes too much talking (can you tell ;) I am also an extremely hyper person. I have tons of energy and enjoy staying active. I don’t like staying still. Even at home, I am up and about doing anything but sitting still, at least as rule. I do know when to relax, especially where fellowship and conversation are concerned, but even in these times, my mind is usually going. On the other hand, I have a very strong personality and an even stronger will. Thus, when I need to be, I can be one of the boldest people you will ever meet. As a rule, I am a very up front person and prefer people be the same way with me.

There are two words that the people who know me best use to describe me, time and time again. Those words are sincere and intense. I don’t mind those two descriptive terms; in fact, I think they are good attributes. However, they both seem to get me into a lot of trouble. I hate ambiguity with a passion. I desperately love deep conversation and communication, free from pretense and deceit. That said, until I am secure in a relationship and can trust that a person will not misunderstand what I am saying, I tend to overanalyze and over-qualify things. This drives some people nuts. Other nuts, like me, understand and aren’t bothered by it. Even by including this in my “about me” section, I am proving my own point :) So… I am asking (ahead of time) for your forgiveness and for grace if I offend you in some way. Also, I have a really “bad” habit of giving people more information than they were really asking for. When I am interested in something, anything, I want to know everything I can about it, every little detail. I also love talking, as mentioned above. Thus, put those two together, and you have a person who gives a lot of info when asked a question. I am getting better at holding the balance on all three of these things, but the key here is “getting” better (present-active sense). Thus, once again, I ask that you just call me a dork and hand over some grace!


Ok, one last thing here (at least for now)… Let me be abundantly clear: I am writing as a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ. Christ, who is the Son of God, the second person of the trinity (see scripture passage below*). Further, I believe that the Bible is God’s special, inspired revelation of Himself to us. I believe it is entirely true and completely perfect (2 Tim 3.16). That said, if you are not a Christian or do not believe in the total inspiration of the Bible, please feel free to comment and interact as much as possible. Also, feel free not to use abusive language or harass me or any that may read this blog. If you disagree, that is fine, but let’s all be civil. Abuse will not be tolerated!

May the Lord help us to honor Him in all of our thoughts, speech, and actions!!!


Sincerely, the recovering Pharisee,

Aaron Hawk



*John 1:1-14 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. 4 In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. 5 The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it. 6 There came a man sent from God, whose name was John. 7 He came as a witness, to testify about the Light, so that all might believe through him. 8 He was not the Light, but he came to testify about the Light. 9 There was the true Light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man. 10 He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him. 11 He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him. 12 But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, 13 who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. 14 And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.