Life for the Depressed

Wow, a little over a year ago I lost every poem I’ve ever written. I was no flaming professional or anything, but I did have a few things in some minor publications (I can’t remember where now :); I used to write a LOT of poetry and even wrote a short story once. Anyway, I’m packing right now and ran across a copy of one of my old poems. Actually, it was the very first poem I ever wrote. I was in the seventh grade at the time and will provide a little background below.

Some of you are not aware of my past/ rough childhood. Christ has been very faithful to bring healing to my life, but my younger years were not easy to say the least (as I’ve referenced before, I can only share “so much” here in public because it involves other people, so we’ll leave it at that for now). During those years, I was quite depressed and alone, humanly speaking. I contemplated suicide fairly often during that period, but I could never do it. Not because I was scared, I’m too bold / brazen for that. No, it was not fear that kept me from ending my life, instead it’s an amazing testimony to the love and grace of Christ Jesus that kept me from killing myself then and continues to sustain me today.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the time right now to do this story justice (I’m supposed to be packing my apt so I can move tomorrow and I’m WAY behind schedule). For now, I will simply say that even in the depths of my depression, I always had the feeling that I would let someone down if I did it. At the time, I confidently “knew” that there was not a single human being in the entire world that cared about me at all. I am not exaggerating, I didn’t believe that my own mom cared at the time (the devil is deathly crafty and tells some convincing lies) and the goal of every single day was to simply try to avoid as much berating and abuse as possible, so that I could get up and do it again the next day (no wonder I love the book of Ecclesiastes). All was vanity and loss, yet as a saved person (yes, I was saved at the time… so let your theology cringe in fear), I knew that Christ loved me. I didn’t understand it at a conscious level (in other words I would have denied it at the time), but “deep down” I knew… I couldn’t run from it and it was literally THE only reason I didn’t follow through. It was just the sense that I would be letting someone down despite hours, days, weeks, and even months of pondering “who” and not coming up with a single answer. Anyway, I need to get back to packing, but WOW, what a reflection on the grace, love, and awe-inspiring power of Christ! Thank you Lord!!!


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Life for the Depressed©
By: Aaron Hawk

Is my life meaningless?
Is my life lifeless?
Why was I born,
to soak up the morn?
Why is it that in everything I do,
a problem just rises anew?
Should I open up and cry,
or should I allow myself to die?
Should I kill myself,
or continue to live in stealth?
Whether I choose to live in stealth,
kill myself,
or die,
it shall be done while I cry…
__________________________________




For anyone who may read this and wonder if anyone cares… someone does. Christ cares, and wants to enter into a relationship with you. If you are reading this and are at all intrigued, that alone is proof that Christ is “speaking to your heart.” If you do not have a relationship with Christ, there is guaranteed hope, if you ask Him, Christ will bring you into his family and you will inherit all of the blessings that come with being part of His family (watch the video below and or check out the other links if you want to know how). If you are already part of Christ’s family and struggling, run to your Father in heaven and speak to a faithful minister of the Gospel of Christ! If you do not know one, email me (info below) and I will speak with you and try to find someone in your area. My friend, there is hope, and despite all of the lies that the evil one wants to sell you, you are loved (very deeply) and of great value in Christ! The only warning to give you is that Christ is the only way; He is the only hope… there is no other. The blessing is that if you are feeling prompted by this, He is ready and waiting right now!!!




Email me at Godsservant3” att hotmail dott comm and put “Question about Jesus” in the subject line.






My Church, Ninth and O (woot)

A Church website that seems sound

A fantastic and sincere presentation of the Gospel:

I am Human, forgive me ;-)

This is another one that is straight from my heart. Before I continue, I want to say that, as always, I love comments and would encourage any that you might leave (positive or negative, I really don’t mind). However, due to the nature of the subject, I would sincerely ask that you not leave any cliché comments, such as “you’ll find someone someday.” Dealing with things we don’t understand, we rarely know what to say, yet we want the person to be encouraged. That is fine and I understand the tendency, but I am fine. My refuge is the Lord and my identity is in Him. If you want a more detailed explanation of where I stand, I would encourage you to read one of my previous posts entitled “Sweet Wine.” So, for the record, I am not having a faith crisis, I am not doubting God, I am not bitter. I am human. As such, if you are human, you surely have felt this way at one point or another. I think one of the greatest tragedies in modern Christianity (the only perspective from which I can truly speak), is that there is a strain of bad theology and pseudo-devotion that demands we never be honest about human emotions. God created human emotions and it is only when we are ruled by them that they are bad. Finally, please forgive me for my strong words, but it really bothers me when we can’t be honest. Ok, after a post’s worth of rambling…

I wrote the lyrics below to a tune that I love very much, and which I feel expresses the mood very well (see info on tune itself at the bottom of this post).



Send Her To Me

Lord in your word, you said it was
Not good for me, to be a-lone
Yet I’m a-lone, and wai-ting still
For you to move, and your hand to, provide

Oh Lord my God, send her to me
Weary am I, of wa-i-ting
Yet you are good, al-ways to me
So I’m a-ssured, you’re wor-king in, our lives

And if she be, al-rea-dy near
Lord help me not, look o-ver her
But help me see, her as you do
So beau-ti-ful, in eve-ry way, in you

Lord in con-ten-tment let me rest
Until you bring, my love to me
I know your plan, is best for me
So help me rest, with-in your arms, ‘till then

When in your time, and in your way
Your plan’s revealed, to both of us
Unto your side, help us to cleave
And there re-main, one flesh in you, our Lord



The tune is “Hunter’s Glen” by James D. Cram, 1970. It can be found in the 1975 Baptist Hymnal or you can listen (and read the lyrics) at http://www.friendshipbaptistchurch.com/hymn/bphym312.mid (if it does not load correctly delete the “bphym312.mid” and then look for number 312. I will add that the hymn on this site plays MUCH faster than I like to sing it, so you may have to slow it down to get the sense (and for the purposes of this song, it is really better with just a piano or a violin). Below is the sheet music from the original song




Click below to see the video of this song the way I like it played... by me ;)

To the Ground

Ok folks, I’ve posted some rough and random ones before, but this one takes the cake. A common practice in some denominational circles is to ad-lib a prayer to the Lord in song. Some pick a tune and repeat it, some ad-lib the entire thing. In this case, I started with a basic tune and then repeated and / or changed it at points, so it is sort of in-between (leave it to me not to obey any of the rules… not that they really exist here… and on I ramble). Anyway, I can’t write music and I can’t remember the name of the tune I started with (it is one most of you would know), so you’ll just have to do without. This one is raw and unedited (except for spelling which doesn’t count when you are singing ;) It is not particularly deep or pretty as I just turned the recorder on before I prayed in song, then transcribed it below. I’m not really sure why I’m posting this one, but perhaps it will bless someone.


To the Ground...


Oh Lord my God, I love you, yes I love you
Oh Lord my God, I love you, yes I love you
And I say O Lord my God, I love you, yes I love you
Dear Lord my God, I love you, yes I love you

Oh Lord my God, I love you, yes I love you
Oh Lord I turn at every corner, away from you
Faithful you’ve been, and yet, I run from your hand
You’re so faithful and true, I’m so wicked and vile
Lord you’re both pure, and purity… I’m both filthy and wicked
Oh Lord you’re worthy of all that can give
And Lord I’m not worthy to look upon you
I’m so wicked and vile, how can I call upon you
My voice fails within me, my heart is broken too
And Lord I’m tired of apologizing, again and again…
Lord I’m sorry that I’m sorry once again!

And Lord, I don’t comprehend why you love me
I’m so unworthy of your touch, so unworthy of your heart
You’re so holy and pure, I’m so stained by my sin
I can’t look up to see your face, and yet I know you’re looking down
I can’t reach up, yet I’ve forgotten how to kneel
No longer do I blush when I sin against your name
And no longer do I feel I’ve broken your heart when I have

Oh Lord cut my heart, tear it out, and give me yours
Lord teach me now how to blush, and how to kneel
Break my heart and my spirit…
Oh Lord, help me fall,
-at your feet, let me stay, hold my hand and lead the way
Grab my heart and my mind, lead and guide my every thought

Help me moment by moment to seek your face not your hand
Help me moment by moment to seek your will and not my own
Help me love you with all that I am and I have
Help me Lord to love you and see your face when I’m tempted

Oh Lord when trials come, help me lean on you
Help me seek and find purity in you
Oh Lord turn my heart and my mind, wholly to you
Let them bend and waiver no more
Oh Lord help me now in purity to walk before you
Oh Lord help me sing to honor you in joy and not,
-in pain Lord, let me stand when I sin against you
Yet comfort me quickly, else I perish and return, to the ground
Help me kneel with my face, to the ground…







Ok, though I always have a reason for choosing the pictures I choose to place in my posts (try saying that a few times fast ;), I almost never explain my reason for the choice. In this case, I think the picture fits quite well, but the quality of the shot is such, that I will explain it below. This shot was on a very overcast morning in Cinci, with my old camera. It is a shot of an old tree trunk that had been hit by lightening at some point and been destroyed and lay dead for who knows how long. Now, ignore the sapling closest to the camera (that I could not get out of the shot), and look inside the old, dead tree-trunk… notice there is a fresh, green sapling growing inside the fertile and protected cavity of the decimated tree. I’ll let you take that where you want to, but thought I’d point it out.

Lord Jesus

Once again folks, I know it is a little rough (some of you are coughing at the word “little”), but it is a sincere prayer from my heart. I actually started it while driving home from work about a week ago and then forgot about it. I found it tonight and decided to finish it.




Lord Jesus,

Please cut me while I am exposed,
Please break me while I am broken.
Speak to me while I am listening,
And feed me while I am hungry.


Capture my heart while it is waiting,
Before it takes flight, in the evil of night.
Steadfast it will not stand,
Without power from your hand.


Bind my wounds while they yet bleed,
Set straight the bones which you have broken.
Heal me Lord, and help me stand,
Lest I die, desolately disfigured.


In you let me be sated, and not in this world;
Yet not to contentment, lest I lose sight:
Of how my nakedness you’ve clothed,
Though it cost you your life.


For forgetful am I, once I am full,
So leave me in hunger, if it is needed
To keep me humble, and in love with you.
For only in you, can I find my way.


Cast me not out from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me,
For I have seen the forsaken wastelands and the whitewashed tombs;
In fear and trembling, I would stand before you pleading, Lord let it not be so… let it not be so!





Proverbs 30:2-3

2 Surely I am more stupid than any man, And I do not have the understanding of a man. 3 Neither have I learned wisdom, Nor do I have the knowledge of the Holy One.

A Tirade

Originally posted 5:00am Tuesday, Oct 17, 2006 on Facebook

I am frustrated…

When a standard is created, when it should be abated
From nothing it came, yet to all it casts blame
When the Bible is silent, and yet it is cited
No order or ought, yet judgment is wrought
When I discover derision, from a previous vision
A mirage uncovered, before undiscovered
When I would interact, they refuse to transact
First I’m disbanded, then power’s demanded.
When I desire to make music, in their hearing they refuse it
This song from the heart, they haply tear apart
When beauty is around, and vultures swoop down
The first sign of life, is cut with a knife
When my bow is drawn, yet I can’t see the dawn
When no target is in sight, yet I’m stuck in the plight

Above and beyond, when evil is spawned
The most frustrating thing of all, is when I let myself to fall
When I allow my frustration to prevent supplication
To Christ, my God and my Lord, before whom I should be floored!

TTDOMHIAW

A Prayer and Meditation

Originally posted 7:10am Friday, Nov 24, 2006 on Facebook, yet quite applicable now





Sorry... it's a very rough 1st draft, but its straight from the heart!




Father,

Send your Spirit to comfort me, in this moment of weakness
Hold me in your arms, and let me feel your presence
Calm my spirit, and still my mind
Heal my heart, as only you can


Tell me you love me, and that I am your child
Bind up my spirit, and give me your strength
Give me clarity of vision, so I can see your will
And purity of heart, to follow in obedience


Help me to seek you, more every day
Help me to love you, with all that I am
Teach me restraint Lord, as I wait on you
Help me be a servant, who loves you so


Fill me with your Spirit, as never before,
With your love, with your joy, and with your peace
So that in being filled, I overflow
And others you touch, through my life


My father I love you, and I thank you too
For using one entirely unworthy, and deserving to die
Thank you for your patience, and your tender care
For the way that you love me, and stand near by!

-Amen!


Proverbs 30:2-3 “Surely I am more stupid than any man, And I do not have the understanding of a man. Neither have I learned wisdom, Nor do I have the knowledge of the Holy One.”